“The assertiveness bible; helps the non-assertive speak up and the aggressive, tone down.” — USA Today
“Without a peer in the field…truly a classic.” — Aaron Beck, MD, psychiatrist and author of Love is Never Enough
“Not only is it the best book on assertiveness, it sets the standard for selfhelp books in general.” — Gary Emery, PhD, psychologist and author of Overcoming Depression
“Your Perfect Right is the gold standard…for self-help.” — Allen Fay, MD, psychiatrist and coauthor of I Can If I Want To
“There are many practical guides to assertive living, but this is without question, the best.” — Cyril M. Franks, PhD, psychologist and editor of Child and Family Behavior Therapy
“Filled with a wealth of examples on how to cope with everyday situations… counters feelings of futility.” — Los Angeles Times
“Five-star Highly Recommended rating in the national survey… Some mental health professionals call (it) ‘the assertiveness bible,’ they think so highly of it…this is an excellent self-help book.” — The Authoritative Guide to Self-Help Books
“The bible of assertive training.” — Journal of Counseling & Development
“An interesting, readable, and practical manual.” — Contemporary Psychology
“Long regarded as the A-T bible.” — Human Behavior
“I am pleased and honored to write an endorsem*nt for the tenth edition of Your Perfect Right. This was the groundbreaking book in the 1970s that first addressed how people can develop skills to improve relationships, problem solving, conflict resolution, and more effective communication and coping. Your Perfect Right is the best book written about this topic. The writing is articulate, the strategies practical, and the tone is hopeful and compassionate. I teach psychology, and have recommended this book (and all of its new editions) to thirty years of graduate students. I always receive rave reviews. I recommend it very highly!” — John Preston, PsyD, ABPP, professor emeritus at Alliant International University’s California School of Professional Psychology
“Your Perfect Right is truly a modern classic. In defining assertiveness within the guidelines of equality and non-aggressiveness, it serves as a manual for professional therapists and as a self-help guide for the public, and it has been a resource for a multitude of readers for almost a half century.” — Jerrold Lee Shapiro, PhD, professor at Santa Clara University, licensed clinical psychologist, and author of Pragmatic Existential Counseling and Psychotherapy, When She’s Pregnant, and Finding Meaning, Facing Fears
“Alberti and Emmons have taken their classic contribution to the understanding of assertiveness and made it even better. This edition is chock-full of clear examples that allow the reader to understand exactly what assertiveness is, and how it can be developed and enhanced in community members and professionals alike. They show how living an assertive life will lead to personal fulfillment without impinging on the rights of others. Of interest, they indicate that while the fundamentals have remained intact, as in using assertiveness skills to overcome anxiety and to express anger and love appropriately, there has been significant growth in application areas. Assertiveness has now spread to the world culture. Not limited to the mental health enterprise, it is now important for international business leaders, medical personnel, university students, teachers, IT workers, and parents. They also place some focus on assertiveness in important life situations such as intimacy and sexuality, family relationships, and when dealing with difficult people. Readers can expect clearly written text with many examples and worksheets to aid in the development of knowledge and behavioral skills. This book is a clear winner for all who want to live a better life!” — Howard Kassinove, PhD, ABPP, professor of psychology and director at the Institute for the Study and Treatment of Anger and Aggression at Hofstra University
“A tenth edition of Your Perfect Right? These authors are certainly doing something right, and this book amply deserves its longevity and success. Readers will find its up-to-date research and practical applications—from how to assert their rights without bullying to how to express anger without cruelty— immensely helpful.” — Carol Tavris, PhD, coauthor of Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me)
“Healthy relationships depend upon individual responses to situations, whether personal or in the workplace. Alberti and Emmons have updated their work to acknowledge the increasing disruptions politically and internationally, and to help readers understand how to be assertive without being a bully. New forms of communication —e-mail, texting, tweeting, etc. — all require new rules for interaction. Of particular interest is the advice for employees, bosses, and supervisors that will guide them in dealing with difficult people, accepting and responding to criticism, and addressing anger management in the workplace.”
— Gretchen M. Bataille, PhD, strategic leadership consultant with ROI Consulting Group
“In this landmark tenth edition, the book that launched a movement toward self-confidence and equality delivers on every promise, and then some. Written with genuine warmth and wisdom, Your Perfect Right is still the gold standard for how assertiveness enriches your life and elevates each and every relationship.” — Nancy K. Austin, MBA, coauthor of A Passion for Excellence
“I’ve read each update of Your Perfect Right and this 10th edition is by far the best. Flip the cover and you’ll discover a treasure chest of wonderful ideas to build strong relationships, overcome needless social anxieties, and advance your enlightened interests. You can do this without needlessly trampling on the rights of others. This stand-up-for yourself book is a win-win for all!” — Bill Knaus, EdD, author of The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety and founder of the Association of Procrastination Counselors and Educators.
Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the
understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2017 by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons Impact Publishers An imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer Edited by Cindy Nixon Indexed by James Minkin All Rights Reserved Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file
Contents Acknowledgments R.E.A. M.L.E. Introductionto the Tenth Edition How Did Your Perfect Right Get That Way? How It All Began What’s Been Happening with Assertiveness? Where Are We Headed? — Robert E. Alberti
PART I: YOU AND YOUR PERFECT RIGHT CHAPTER 1: ASSERTIVENESS AND YOU So, How Does It Work? Assertiveness and Your Brain Who Needs It? The Assertive Alternative What Gets in the Way of Self-Expression? How Can You Benefit from This Book?
CHAPTER 2: HOW ASSERTIVE ARE YOU NOW? Analyzing Your Results
CHAPTER 3: KEEP TRACK OF YOUR GROWTH Making Your Journal Work for You
PART II: DISCOVERING ASSERTIVENESS CHAPTER 4: WHOSE PERFECT RIGHT? Are Some More Equal Than Others? Assertive Women in the Twenty-First Century Men Can Be Assertive Too! Living in a Multicultural, Pluralistic World How Different Is “Different”? What Does Background Have to Do with Assertiveness? Society Often Discourages Assertiveness
CHAPTER 5: WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ASSERTIVE Assertive, Nonassertive, and Aggressive Behavior Assertiveness and Personal Boundaries Cultural Differences in Self-Assertion And It’s Not Just Culture… “But Isn’t Aggression Just Human Nature?” Classifying Behavior: “A Rose by Any Other Name…” Social Consequences of Assertion “Be Nice” Assertiveness in the Twenty-First Century Eleven Key Points About Assertive Behavior
CHAPTER 6: “CAN YOU GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE?” Recognizing Your Own Nonassertive and Aggressive Behavior
PART III: BECOMING ASSERTIVE CHAPTER 7: SET GOALS FOR YOURSELF “How Do I Know What I Want or Need?” “Hello, Needs? It’s Me, Tim Id.” A Behavioral Model for Personal Growth Structuring Your Goals Personal Factors Ideals Feasibility Flexibility Time Priorities Goal for It!
CHAPTER 8: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S HOW YOU SAY IT! “I Never Know What to Say!” The Components of Assertive Behavior Eye Contact Body Posture Distance/Physical Contact Gestures Facial Expression Voice Tone, Inflection, and Volume Fluency Timing
Listening Thoughts Persistence Content Check Out Your “Component Competence”
CHAPTER 9: ASSERTIVE MESSAGES — TWENTY-FIRSTCENTURY STYLE How Will You Send It? Assertiveness Counts Phone Messages Written Messages — Online or Snail Mail Children Online
CHAPTER 10: THINKING ASSERTIVELY Self-Expression and Your Brain Your Attitude Toward Becoming Assertive Your Attitude Toward Yourself Thoughts That Get in the Way of Self-Assertion Helpful Aids for Handling Thoughts Stress Inoculation Thought Stopping Positive Self-Statements Stop Imagining the Worst “What Else Can I Do About My Thoughts?” Are Some More Equal Than Others?
CHAPTER 11: THERE’S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF Finding Your Fears: The SUD Scale List and Label Your Fears Methods for Overcoming Anxiety Systematic Desensitization Exposure Desensitization Diet, Exercise, and Sleep Meditation, Breathing, Relaxation Training, and Mindfulness Treatment for Panic Attacks Irrational Beliefs and Self-Talk Assertiveness Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Medication Other Therapies for Anxiety Summing Up About Anxiety
CHAPTER 12: IT’S A SKILL YOU CAN LEARN Changing Behavior and Attitudes Getting There from Here When You Are Ready to Begin
CHAPTER 13: TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME The Step-by-Step Process for Increasing Your Assertiveness
PART IV: BUILDING ASSERTIVE RELATIONSHIPS CHAPTER 14: ASSERTIVENESS BUILDS EQUAL RELATIONSHIPS Your Social Brain Nature Plus Nurture Social Learning “What the World Needs Now…” Reaching Out “Thanks, I Needed That!” Apologies Friendship The Battle of the Sexes Is Over…and It’s a Draw! Assertiveness in a Shrinking World
CHAPTER 15: ALL IN THE FAMILY: ASSERTIVENESS FOR PARENTS, CHILDREN, AND SENIORS Out of the Mouths of Babes They Do Grow Up, Don’t They? Grandparents Can Be Assertive Too Assertiveness and Balance in the Family System
CHAPTER 16: ASSERTIVENESS, INTIMACY, AND SEXUALITY Are Intimacy and Sex the Same Thing? Is That All There Is? Assertive Sexuality Sex Is a Social Activity Some Basic Skill Areas of Assertive Sexuality When No Is Not Enough Assertiveness and Equality in Intimate Relationships
PART V: APPLYING YOUR ASSERTIVENESS
CHAPTER 17: ANGER 101: IT’S NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD There Are No Easy Answers What Do We Know About Anger? What Do We “Know” That’s Not So? Anger Myth #1: Anger Is a Behavior Anger Myth #2: You Should Be Afraid of Your Buried Anger Anger Myth #3: An Angry Person Is a Human Steam Kettle Anger Myth #4: Venting Is Good for Your Health Anger Myth #5: Anger Needs to Be Expressed Anger Myth #6: Tell Other People but Not the Person You’re Angry With “Okay, Okay, Enough with the Myths: What Are the Facts About Anger?” Anger May Be Hazardous to Your Health “Why Do I Get So Angry?”
CHAPTER 18: ANGER 102: WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT Take Good Care of Your Anger Accept It Work It Out Minimize Anger in Your Life Cope Before You Get Angry Respond Assertively When It’s Worth It to Express Your Anger When Someone Else Is Angry with You Thirteen Steps to Effective Conflict Resolution Add It Up: 33 + 8 + 13 = 4 — Keys for Coping with the Anger in Your Life
CHAPTER 19: MUST WE PUT UP WITH PUT-DOWNS? Dealing with Criticism, Within and Without Direct Verbal Put-Downs: “You Fool!” Indirect Verbal Put-Downs: “Nice Work, for a Woman.” Nonverbal Put-Downs: Dirty Looks and Obscene Gestures Self Put-Downs: “I’m Such a Jerk.” Get Past It and Move On
CHAPTER 20: ASSERTIVENESS WORKS AT WORK TOO Assertiveness in the Workplace Job Search Interviewing Before the Interview At the Interview After the Interview Can the “New Kid on the Block” Be Assertive?
On-the-Job Relationships Dealing with Supervisors Supervising Assertively Keeping Your Priorities Straight More On-the-Job Situations for Practice
CHAPTER 21: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE What Do You Think? How to Deal with Bozos 1. Changing Your Cognitions, Attitudes, Thoughts: “It’s All in How You Look At It” 2. Dealing with Your Anxiety: “Dentist’s Chair Syndrome” or “If You’re Going to Get Drilled Anyway, You Might as Well Lie Back and Enjoy It” 3. Taking Direct Action: “Don’t Talk to Me Like That!” 4. Syntonics: “Tune In, Turn On, Talk Back” 5. Lifemanship: “What’s That on Your Cheek?” 6. Solutions: “No-Fault Insurance” 7. Withdrawal: “The Engagement Is Off!” 8. Humor: “And the World Laughs with You” 9. Knowing Your Audience: “Not in Front of the Children” 10. Requesting Clarification: “Say What?” 11. Changing the Scene: “Build a Level Playing Field” The Situation Is Serious, but Not Hopeless
PART VI: LIVING AN ASSERTIVE LIFE CHAPTER 22: DECIDING WHEN TO BE ASSERTIVE — OR NOT “So How Do I Know When Action Is Called For?” 1. What Really Happened? 2. How Much Does It Matter to You? 3. What Is the Probability That You’ll Get What You Want? 4. Are You Looking for a Specific Outcome or Just to Express Yourself? 5. What Are Your Options? 6. Are You Looking for a Positive Outcome? 7. Do You Have Assertive Attitudes, Skills, and Intent? 8. Have You Counted to Ten? 9. Would It Be Better to Wait Until Tomorrow? 10. Will You Kick Yourself If You Don’t Take Action? 11. Have You Done Everything You Can to Remove or Reduce the Obstacles to Your Desired Outcome? 12. What Are the Probable Consequences and Realistic Risks of Your Possible Assertion? 13. Will Assertion Make Any Difference? Will It Change the Situation?
CHAPTER 23: WHEN ASSERTIVENESS DOESN’T WORK It’s Only Failure If You Quit Definition Inadequate Assessment Contraindications Canned Approaches Wrong Technique Skill Deficits Anxiety An Issue That May Require Intervention on a Number of Fronts When You Are Wrong Avoiding Failures
CHAPTER 24: HELPING OTHERS DEAL WITH THE NEW ASSERTIVE YOU How Does It Look from Outside? Be Aware of Your Impact on Others Potential Adverse Reactions Include a Friend in Your Learning Process
CHAPTER 25: BEYOND ASSERTIVENESS “It’s Too Late Now!” The Swing of the Pendulum Assertiveness and Holistic Health Assert Your Way to Health Assertiveness and Common Sense Membership in the Human Community Now What?
APPENDIX: ASSERTIVENESS PRACTICE SITUATIONS Family Situations Sleepover Visiting Relative Past Midnight Holy Terror Intimate Situations Late for Dinner Balancing the Books Sagging Sex Beach Blanket Roulette Alcohol Amour
Consumer Situations Haircut Hassle Shortchanged Lines, Lines, Lines Do Not Call Employment Situations Overtime Deniable Passion Below Par Cutting Critique Late Again School and Community Situations Hearing Aid Clarification Morals Know-It-All Social Situations Breaking the Ice Making a Date Summary Online Resources Online Psychology and Self-Help Resources Online Resources Mentioned in the Text References and Further Reading Index
Acknowledgments We’ve been honored and humbled that so many readers, reviewers, therapists, and others have found value in these pages over nearly five decades. Ten editions, nearly a million and a half copies in print, translations published in more than twenty languages, lots of glowing feedback…it’s very rewarding to know our work may have touched so many lives. And, of course, we didn’t accomplish this alone. Hundreds — perhaps thousands — of colleagues, known and unknown, in psychology and the other human service professions have contributed to this book with their honest critiques, support, praise, and recommendation to clients. It’s gratifying to know that they consider this the best of the many books on the subject of assertiveness and one of the best of all self-help books. (Blush.) We hope this tenth edition will continue to serve as a valuable resource for them and for their clients. In thanking those who have made direct contributions to our knowledge and to the success of Your Perfect Right, a few will, inevitably, be missed. Please accept our apologies if you’re not mentioned here, and be assured that we’ve appreciated your help. Special thanks to Judy Appelbaum, Nancy Austin, Albert Ellis (deceased), Kay Emmons, Cyril Franks, Carol Geer, W. Harold Grant (deceased), Chuck Hillinger, Arnold Lazarus (deceased), Lachlan MacDonald (deceased), Carita and Charles Merker (deceased), Stanlee Phelps, all our friends at Research Press (in part because they didn’t publish it), Mike Serber (deceased), Janet Wolfe, Joseph Wolpe (deceased), and the dedicated staff at Impact Publishers over the years. More recently, we’re indebted to Tesilya Hanauer and Cindy Nixon, our editors, and the many other professionals at New Harbinger Publications who have made the transition from “editor” to “editee” (almost) painless and have guided the transition to a bigger and broader audience so smoothly.
Finally, Bob adds a very special recognition to Deborah Alberti for six decades of support and loving partnership. Michael acknowledges his wife, Janet, for her role in helping him translate the lessons of assertiveness into their everyday encounters while parenting, working, and loving. R.E.A. M.L.E. Atascadero and San Luis Obispo, California August 2016 Footnote: As this tenth edition of Your Perfect Right was about to go to press, Michael left us. After a battle of more than three years, his cursed debilitating illness succeeded in overcoming his indomitable spirit. Mike was a very dear friend, a brilliant co-author, and one of the finest human beings I’ve ever known. The biggest Acknowledgment of all goes to him — this book was his idea in the first place. R.E.A. Atascadero, California October 2016
Introductionto the Tenth Edition It was Michael’s idea. I was relaxing on my patio when the phone rang that sunny Tuesday in July 1970. On the line — Wait! Does anybody read the introduction to a book, anyway? Let’s start with the basics: what this book is about. The history can come later for those who may be interested. Your Perfect Right is a step-by-step guide to: Overcoming interpersonal anxiety Meeting your needs in relationships Creating relationships of greater equality Setting limits on your life and relationships Learning and applying skills of assertiveness Becoming more effective in expressing your needs Your Perfect Right is not a guide to: Bullying others Getting your way Telling people off Manipulating people Slamming the door in others’ faces Getting what you want at the expense of others
You’ll find: In part I, an introduction to the concept of assertiveness and encouragement for you to learn about your own capabilities for selfexpression In part II, a discussion of what it means to be assertive, exploring the implications of assertiveness in personal and social relationships, including several example situations to help illustrate and clarify the concept In part III, detailed explanations and step-by-step procedures for developing assertive behaviors that express your needs and feelings while respecting the other people in your life In part IV, helpful ideas for assertiveness in close relationships — with friends, family, intimate partners In part V, an exploration of some practical applications of assertive action: handling anger, responding to put-downs, assertiveness on the job, and dealing with difficult people In the final section of the book, part VI, some answers to questions about living an assertive life, including guidelines for deciding when to be assertive or not, responding when assertiveness doesn’t work, and helping those close to you to deal with changes in your style Okay, if that’s all you need from an introduction, you can skip to chapter 1. For those readers who would like to know something of the background of this book, read on.
How Did Your Perfect Right Get That Way? We started this book with the idea that some people — a number of our clients in a university counseling center — needed help overcoming the fear of speaking up for themselves. In fact, that’s where our title — Your Perfect Right — came from. It concerned us that so many seemed to be manipulated by others, pushed around, denied equal standing in relationships. We had done a good deal of work helping such folks learn to deal more effectively with life situations that called for a stronger response. Here’s our starting point, as described in the introduction to the first edition of this book. (We hope you’ll consider the date — 1970 — and forgive our masculine pronouns. We’ve learned a lot over the years!) This book describes for the lay or professional reader some methods of dealing with anxiety through assertive training… . When a person becomes able to stand up for himself and do things on his own initiative, he reduces appreciably his former anxiety or tenseness in key situations, and increases his sense of worth as a person. We’ve endeavored to keep the book up-to-date beyond that first edition’s emphasis on “some methods of dealing with anxiety through assertive training.” New editions over the years, in response to a ton of research and practice by colleagues near and far, have addressed better ways to handle anger, a broader view of social skills, approaches to dealing with social anxiety, greater sensitivity to others, expressing caring and compassion assertively, recognizing and asserting needs and goals, assertiveness and social issues, online methods of self-expression, assertive intimacy and sexuality, on-the-job assertive skills, and dealing with difficult people.
How It All Began Now, where was I? Oh, yes… I was relaxing on my patio when the phone rang that sunny Tuesday in July 1970. On the line was my university counseling center colleague Mike Emmons. “You’ve done some work with assertive training, haven’t you?” he asked. “I have,” I told him, “but why do you ask?” Mike told me he was surprised to learn from a search of the psychological literature that there was virtually nothing published that explained assertiveness training in detail. We were both familiar with the pioneering work of Joseph Wolpe and Arnold Lazarus, but their discussion was limited to a chapter in a text for professionals. There was a dissertation project or two and a much earlier book by our later-to-be-friend Andrew Salter on what he called “conditioned reflex therapy” — related, but not about assertiveness as such. Mike’s next comment caught me off guard: “Let’s write a guide for counselors,” he proposed. Now, I enjoyed writing and had no doubt we could put together something useful, but did I want to take on a book? Well, why not? We decided to give it a shot, and I spent the rest of that summer getting up to speed with Mike and jotting down lots of ideas for a small manual. By early October, we had assembled what became the first edition of this book. Full of optimism about the project, we set up a card table at the first Southern California Conference on Behavior Modification in Los Angeles on October 16, 1970, and began advance sales of the book at $2.50 a copy. We were amazed at the interest: we sold sixty copies on the basis of a table of contents and a couple of paragraphs of description. Impact Publishers was born. Our wives typed the text on an IBM Selectric typewriter (some of you may be old enough to remember typewriters!), and that original 100-page manual came off the press in January 1971. One of the first copies went to Dr. Michael Serber, a psychiatrist who had agreed to prepare a review of our little book for the then-new journal Behavior Therapy. As luck — or
“planned happenstance” — would have it, our card table at that conference in Los Angeles was next to the Association for Advancement of Behavior Therapy table, and we got acquainted with AABT’s first president and the editor of Behavior Therapy, Dr. Cyril Franks of Rutgers University, who became a lifelong friend and supporter of our work. We sold our first 1,000-copy print run (produced on a small-job press in my parents’ garage) in about a year. The next run of 2,000 went in six months, and another 5,000 in another couple of years; after that, my folks couldn’t keep up. We revised and expanded the work and issued a commercially-printed-and-bound second edition in 1974. About that time, the university public affairs office issued a press release about our success. The Los Angeles Times picked it up, and — in today’s vernacular — the project “went viral.” While Your Perfect Right was the first book devoted solely to the topic of assertiveness, it wasn’t alone for long. Our success spawned literally dozens of other titles (including a few that we published at Impact), a handful of which remain in print today. It was clear from the research literature, the glowing reviews we were getting, the remarkable sales of the book, and the feedback from colleagues around the nation and beyond that assertiveness training was helping a very large cohort of therapy clients and self-help readers. In the late 1970s, Michael and I conducted a series of training workshops for professionals around the country, teaching them the procedures we had developed and learning from them lots of great ideas to add to our model. Those ideas were vitally important to the development of the process — and the succeeding editions of the book. As I sit at my keyboard preparing this new tenth edition of Your Perfect Right, I can’t help recalling what this book has meant over the last fortyseven years. So much has changed — in our lives, in the world, in the meaning of assertiveness. The most notable change, sadly, is that Mike is gone now. His declining health prevented him from active participation in this new edition, and I missed his wise, thoughtful, and foresighted perspective so much as I wrote. I’ve given you my best effort, but it’s not the same without his input.
What’s Been Happening with Assertiveness? As you might imagine (or perhaps hope!), I’ve done a good deal of research into the literature of assertiveness, social skills, and social anxiety in preparing this revision. I’ve found a ton of recent research on applications of assertiveness, not much on new methods. (Perhaps I should find that reassuring.) Much of the recent research has been conducted around applications of assertiveness in Africa, eastern Europe, India, China, Japan, Thailand, and Iran. The concept certainly has legs, and they’re traveling around the globe. Some of the most interesting applications have dealt with business leaders, nurses, couples, teacher trainees, social workers, hospital employees, midwives, and adolescents. Research and training efforts have focused on women in developing nations, nurses in China and Ireland, headache patients and university students in Turkey, managers in Japan, IT workers in Spain, customer service providers in Israel, operating room nurses and low-income women in the United States, adolescents in the rural United States, and midwifery students in Australia.
Where Are We Headed? When we began our work with assertiveness training in the late 1960s, the world was a simpler place, and being assertive pretty much meant standing up for yourself, not allowing others to push you around or take advantage of you. Given the tenor of those times, the meaning quickly expanded to include support for sociopolitical movements: civil rights, women’s equality, individual freedoms. Those personal and social issues are still with us, of course, but these days, “living assertively in a crazy world” comes with a caution. It’s more important than ever to assess the probable consequences of an assertive act. It’s usually worth the risk — but sometimes the best course is to “let it go.” As the world continues to grow smaller, we envision a number of factors likely to impact what it means to be assertive in interpersonal relationships. We all can look forward to the development of: Increased emphasis on equality in relationships More effective approaches to dealing with anger Recognition of when to let it go, to accept rather than assert Greater sensitivity to the needs of others; it’s not all about you or me Better ways to handle bullying in schools, in communities, and globally New methods of assertive communication via electronic and social media Better skills for dealing with a variety of cultures, lifestyles, and belief systems We can’t really predict, of course; nobody has a working crystal ball. What we do know is that now and in the future, you’ll find that an assertive approach to equal relationships in your life will help you meet your needs
and achieve your goals. And if you follow the model we describe here, the other people in your life will benefit as well. We believe this book provides the tools you need to build those skills. We wish you well on your journey toward more effectively assertive selfexpression. —R
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CHAPTER 1
Assertiveness and You Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you. — Alan Alda
Don’t let the title fool you. This book is not about getting your way. Our view of “your perfect right” means living on an equal footing with the other people in your life. We’re all about equality — balance — in your life and relationships. Consider this: Do you like Ben & Jerry’s ice cream? Maybe Chunky Monkey or Chubby Hubby or Cherry Garcia or White Russian? (Hey, B&J, whatever happened to White Russian, anyway?) Okay, it’s a loaded question. Who doesn’t like rich, premium ice cream? (Except, of course, for those unlucky folks who are lactose intolerant.) We ask because there’s an interesting story behind Ben & Jerry’s success in becoming an international brand. In 1984, after Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield had built up an enviable reputation in the New England states for their “homemade” product, featuring Vermont cows on the label, they came close to extinction. It was about that time that Ben & Jerry’s ice cream really began to get noticed. So noticed, in fact, that Pillsbury, the parent company of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, began to tell its resellers they could not carry Ben & Jerry’s if they wanted to sell Häagen-Dazs. And, as you might guess, Pillsbury’s clout scared Ben & Jerry’s grocery outlets; most of them were ready to give up “Vermont’s finest.” Fortunately for ice cream lovers everywhere, however, Ben and Jerry were not intimidated. In addition to antitrust legal action, they began a publicity campaign, under the slogan “What’s the Doughboy Afraid Of?” With leaflets, T-shirts, and bumper stickers, the Ben & Jerry’s team kept up the PR pressure while the topflight Boston legal counsel they engaged kept
the antitrust negotiations on the front burner. After a year of lawsuits, countersuits, and priceless national publicity, the dispute was settled out of court, and Ben & Jerry’s became a premium ice-cream brand to be reckoned with. (If you’d like to follow up on the Ben & Jerry’s story, get a copy of Ben & Jerry’s: The Inside Scoop by Fred “Chico” Lager.) Now, let’s be clear: this is not a book about ice cream, or about antitrust lawsuits, or even about David versus Goliath. (Well, maybe a little about David and Goliath.) We won’t show you how to punch out the guy who kicks sand in your face. Nor will you learn techniques for pushing to the front of the line or even winning a lawsuit. If you’re looking for lessons in how to manipulate others, you’re reading the wrong book. We believe there’s too much of that in the world already. Our purpose here is to encourage people — like you — to balance the scales, just as Ben and Jerry did with Pillsbury back in the 1980s. And the process we’ve developed over five decades will help you do just that. We advise assertiveness as a tool for making your relationships more equal — for avoiding the one-down feeling that often comes when you fail to express what you really want and need. This approach to human relationships honors everyone, helping underdogs to level the playing field and express themselves while respecting the rights of others. What’s more, it works as well for conveying your positive feelings as it does for standing your ground.
So, How Does It Work? The process itself is pretty straightforward. We’ll teach you some basic principles, give you some examples, and present a series of specific procedures for you to follow. Your part — if you decide to try this approach — is to read carefully, learn to recognize your own feelings and needs, and give the steps we’ve outlined a try. Sound like a lot of work? It’s not really. It just takes persistence and a determination to make your life better. (Oh, and a little patience; it won’t happen overnight!) Here’s an example of what we’re talking about: Valerie looked at her watch: 7:15 p.m. She’d called Sean and left a message, but she knew he would be furious — or worried sick. Valerie’s boss had appeared at her desk at 4:55 and asked her to get his report ready for the board meeting at 8:15 in the morning. It wasn’t the first time. Feelings of anger, confusion, and helplessness can result from situations like this. What can you do? How can you express your needs and feelings when such frustrations come up? There are no easy answers, but there are answers, if you’re willing to make the effort. It may require that you make some changes in your life. Changing yourself is challenging, but you can do it. We’ll show you a proven step-by-step method for developing effective assertiveness and improving your relationships with others. If you follow it, we’re confident it can work for you. Millions of folks have learned to express themselves more effectively and achieve more of their life goals using this approach. Incidentally, you may be amazed to learn — as we were when the research was first published — that our brains contain a remarkable system of neural networks that have a major influence on our social behavior. Neuroscientists have discovered some of the key patterns that are important to our ability to express our social emotions effectively.
Assertiveness and Your Brain Much research on brain development and function has appeared in the last fifteen to twenty years. It turns out, researchers tell us, that one’s capacity for effective social relationships develops very early in life and becomes virtually “hardwired” via neural pathways in the brain. Psychologists these days refer to those characteristics that we’re more or less born with as “temperament” — very close to what used to be loosely referred to as “personality.” These “social intelligence” brain patterns focus mostly on two themes: Sensitivity to the feelings of others (for example, the ability to detect and empathize with the feelings of others) Behavioral skills for responding appropriately to those feelings (such as social skills) Those response patterns established early on in the brain are hard to change, but they can be changed. That means everyone can learn more effective personal expressiveness. It also means you’ll need to take into consideration your own temperament and learning style. Those for whom sensitivity to the feelings of others is central will need to learn to recognize signals (social cues) from others and to discover how to detect and understand the needs, feelings, and behavior of other people. (Interestingly, psychologists did a great deal of work in that area even before the brain patterns were measurable; back in the 1960s and 1970s, we called it “sensitivity training.”) Those who need to learn behavioral skills for responding appropriately to others’ feelings will find that assertiveness — the skill you’ll be learning about in this book — is central to one’s repertoire of social skills. The brain research on social relationships is new, exciting, ongoing, and very complex. We’ll have more to say about this work throughout the book.
Who Needs It? Jeanette was really upset when her neighbor came over and talked nonstop for forty-five minutes about neighborhood gossip. Mostly, she was upset with herself for letting it happen…again. Is this stuff mainly for those — like Jeanette — who aren’t able to stand up for themselves? Only partly. We wrote the first edition of this book (in 1970) for folks who have that trouble, but we’ve learned a lot over the years, and one thing we now know is that everyone needs a hand at times in getting along better with others. If you’re like most of us, your personal power is diminished every day — at home, on the job, at school, in stores and restaurants, and in club meetings — in ways both trivial and important. Many people find themselves at a loss for just the right action. How do you handle it when: You want to say no to someone’s request for a favor? You get a telephone sales pitch at dinnertime? A coworker puts you down in front of your work group? Your spouse gives you a dirty look? A neighbor blasts his home theater until three a.m.? One of your children snaps at you? Are you able to express warm, positive feelings to another person? Are you comfortable starting a conversation with strangers at a party? Do you have difficulty saying no to persuasive people? Do you sometimes feel ineffective in making your needs clear to others? Are you often at the bottom of the “pecking order,” pushed around by others? Or maybe you’re the one who pushes others around to get your way?
Assertiveness is a tool for making your relationships more equal.
At times like these, we all need “survival tactics” — ways to respond that let others know something’s wrong. Some folks swallow their feelings, say nothing, and remain upset. Others blast the offender with a punishing, put-down response. We think there’s a better way. We endorse equality as a style. Not “getting your way.” Not “getting back at” the other person. And not “turning the other cheek.” We think the important thing is to affirm selfworth — both yours and the other person’s. Although there’s no one “right way” to handle such events, there are some basic principles that will help you to gain confidence and effectiveness in your relationships with others. You’re going to learn those principles as you read this book. You’ll discover how to develop and use tactics that are fair, leaving both parties with their self-respect intact. You don’t have to intimidate others in order to avoid being intimidated. And you don’t have to allow anybody to push you around. By learning to be assertive, you can deal with such upsets directly and honestly and keep everyone on an equal footing — most of the time, anyway. The text box on the next page identifies more of the kinds of everyday situations we’re talking about.
The Assertive Alternative Travis and Linda were not sure if the waiter had forgotten them, was ignoring them, or was simply very busy. He had not been at their table for at least fifteen minutes. And they had theater tickets. Assertiveness is an alternative to personal powerlessness or manipulation. You’ll find in this book a program that will help you develop effective ways to express yourself, maintain your self-respect, and show respect and goodwill toward others. We firmly believe in the equal worth of every human being, and this book celebrates that belief and encourages positive relationships among people who respect and value one another. There are lots of popular ideas you may have heard about what it means to be assertive. We don’t agree with most of them! An old Ziggy cartoon, for example, illustrates the unfortunate image that many hold. We find our hero walking up to a door labeled ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS. Below that sign is another: DON’T BOTHER TO KNOCK, BARGE RIGHT IN! (You can probably guess our view: barging in is not being assertive!) Over the years, there have been other popular books that talk about “assertiveness” as a technique for getting your way. As we’ve said, that’s not our goal. We’ll help you to clarify your personal goals in relationships, and we’ll show you how to retain a sense of self-control, a sense of being in charge of your own life, without trying to control others in the process.
Aggression and assertion are commonly confused, but they are distinctly different. Aggressiveness means “me first,” pushing others around, denying their rights. As you’ll learn in the pages to come, assertiveness reflects genuine concern for everybody’s rights. A lot of people, including some book authors, tend to equate being assertive with “saying no.” While that is one important aspect of what we’re talking about, there’s much more. Let us give you our definition of healthy assertiveness: Assertive self-expression is direct, firm, positive — and, when necessary, persistent — action intended to promote equality in person-to-person relationships. Assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our feelings and needs (affection, love, friendship, disappointment, annoyance, anger, regret, sorrow) honestly and comfortably. Confronted with a difficult situation, many people tend to respond nonassertively, thinking of an appropriate comeback long after the opportunity has passed. Others react aggressively and make a deep and negative impression that they often regret later. By developing a more adequate repertoire of assertive behavior, you’ll be able to choose appropriate and self-fulfilling responses in a variety of situations.
What Gets in the Way of Self-Expression? In helping thousands of people learn to value themselves and to express themselves directly and honestly, we have found three particularly difficult barriers to self-assertion: Many people don’t believe they have the right to be assertive. Many people are highly anxious or fearful about being assertive. Many people lack the skills to express themselves effectively. In addition, some of that exciting recent research in neuroscience sheds new light on our subject. For example, brain scientists now tell us that some people are born with a genetic predisposition to shyness or social inhibition. Yet even that obstacle can be overcome to a large extent with diligent application of the procedures we describe. We’ve addressed these barriers to personal power and healthy relationships and offered proven tools to overcome them. In later chapters, you’ll learn about the concepts of nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive behavior, and lots of examples and specific instructions will show you how they may apply in your life. Incidentally, on the plus side, brain studies also show that we’re all equipped with something scientists call “mirror neurons” in the brain, which lead us to mimic the behavior of others and help us to learn socially appropriate behavior and to respond accordingly.
How Can You Benefit from This Book? Learning to respond more effectively will reduce the anxiety you may feel in dealing with others. You may even begin to feel better in other ways as well. Headaches, general fatigue, stomach disturbances, rashes, depression, and even asthma are sometimes related to a failure to express feelings directly. Learning to assert yourself positively and firmly can help you avoid such symptoms. Hundreds of research studies have shown that by developing the ability to stand up for yourself, overcome your anxiety in social situations, and take the initiative to do what’s important to you, you can cut down your stress and increase your sense of worth as a person. You can be healthier, more in charge of yourself in relationships, more confident, more capable, and more spontaneous in expressing your feelings. And you’ll likely find yourself more admired by others as well — especially if you treat them with respect and kindness. Whether your goals are personal, social, job related, or world changing, these ideas and procedures will help you to develop positive self-expression and healthier relationships.
You won’t find gimmicks on how to manipulate others in this book.
We are honored that thousands of therapists have recommended this book as helpful reading for their clients. Indeed, maybe that’s why you’re reading it now. And we’ve been gratified to note that, in three separate surveys of practicing professionals, this book has consistently received the highest rating among assertiveness books and has been among the most often recommended of all self-help books. Before you go on to the next chapter, think a bit about why you picked up this book. Are you looking for help in specific areas of your life — on the job, perhaps, or with your family relationships? Do you have some ideas
about how you’d like your life to be different? Chapter 7 goes into specifics about setting goals for your growth, but give a few moments of thought now to what you’d like to gain from reading Your Perfect Right. Then, when you’re ready, push ahead and let’s find out what this “assertiveness” stuff is all about.
Chapter 2
How Assertive Are You Now? If you cannot say no, you are not in charge of your own life. — Randy J. Paterson
Before we continue our exploration of what assertive behavior is and how it can help you create a more satisfying life for yourself, we think you’ll find it helpful to explore your own style of self-expression. In this chapter, we’ve provided a short questionnaire that will tell you more about how well you handle everyday social situations. What do you know about your own assertiveness? Others’ reactions give you clues: Aunt Maria says, “You’re sassy!” The boss tells you to be more persuasive with customers. Or perhaps the children believe you need to say no instead of listening to telephone sales pitches. Maybe you tried to speak up to a clerk but backed off when she responded with a scornful look. Everyday comments and reactions such as these are helpful indications of how you are doing now with assertiveness, but we want to encourage you to be even more thorough and systematic in observing yourself. Our Assertiveness Inventory on the following two pages offers a helpful tool for improving your understanding and awareness of yourself. One problem in measuring assertiveness is that there is no one single human characteristic you can put a finger on and say, “That’s assertiveness!” It is a complex phenomenon that depends on both the persons involved and the particular situation. That doesn’t mean that you ought to quit trying to figure out how you’re doing. It can be very valuable to take a close look at your life and identify your strengths and weaknesses. Take a few minutes right now to respond to the Assertiveness Inventory. This is just for you, so be honest with yourself. After you complete the inventory, read on for the discussion of results and for specific steps you
can take to make the results practical in your life. The inventory is not a standardized “psychological test” — the studies required to thoroughly evaluate and approve a test have not been conducted — so just relax and enjoy this brief exploration of when and how you express yourself. Some items won’t apply to your life. And you may want to respond, “What does that mean?” or “It depends on the situation.” Don’t let your criticism of the questions get in the way. If you take the time to answer honestly, the inventory can be a helpful tool in your growth in assertiveness. When you complete the inventory, you’ll probably be tempted to add up your total score. Don’t! A “total score” really has no meaning, since no general trait of “assertiveness” has been found to exist. As you have no doubt experienced in your own life, “what is assertive” must be answered in terms of the person and the situation. Think of the inventory as simply a personal survey to use for your own benefit.
Analyzing Your Results Here are our suggestions for ways to examine your responses to the Assertiveness Inventory: Look at individual events in your life involving particular people or groups and consider your strengths and shortcomings accordingly. Look at your responses to questions 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 21, 22, 24, 25, 27, 28, 30, and 35. These questions are oriented toward nonassertive behavior. Do your answers to these items tell you that you are rarely speaking up for yourself? Or are there perhaps some specific situations that give you trouble? Look at your responses to questions 3, 8, 13, 20, 23, 26, 29, 31, 32, 33, and 34. These questions are oriented toward aggressive behavior. Do your answers to these questions suggest you are pushing others around more than you realized? Most people confirm from completing these three steps that assertiveness is situational in their lives. No one is nonassertive all the time, aggressive all the time, or assertive all the time! Each person behaves in each of the three ways at various times, depending upon the situation. It is possible that you have a characteristic style that leans heavily in one direction. You may discover your own weak spot and thereby begin the process of change. Reread the inventory and write in your journal a discussion of your feelings about each item. (Oops. We haven’t talked about a journal yet, have we? Stay tuned. It’s the subject of the next chapter.) An example: Question 1: When a person is highly unfair, do you call it to attention?
Response: 0 Discussion: I’m afraid that if I said anything, the other person would become very angry. Perhaps I’d lose a friend, or maybe the person would yell at me. That would upset me a lot. Go over all of the information you have generated from the preceding steps and begin drawing some general conclusions. Look specifically at five aspects of the information: What situations give you trouble? Which can you handle easily? Do other people in your life make it especially difficult to be assertive? What are your attitudes about expressing yourself? Are you able to meet most of your needs? Are your behavior skills up to the job? Can you be expressive when you need to be? What obstacles are in the way of your assertions? Are you afraid of the consequences? Examine these five areas carefully. Write comments in your journal, summarizing your observations of yourself. Spending some time now to think about these aspects of your own style of self-expression will help you to see your own needs more clearly, to set goals for yourself (more about goal setting in chapter 7), and to determine where to go from here in your efforts to become more assertive when the situation calls for it.
Chapter 3
Keep Track of Your Growth Where I was born and where and how I have lived is unimportant. It is what I have done with where I have been that should be of interest. — Georgia O’Keeffe
We’d like to encourage you to begin your own process of growth toward more effective self-expression by starting a “personal growth journal.” Nothing fancy, just a simple device for jotting down notes about how things are going in your life as you take this journey toward greater assertiveness. A daily record of your assertiveness will help you judge your progress over time. After a few weeks, you’ll find it provides a wealth of information about your ongoing assertiveness. We urge you to get a special notebook, pad, folder, or whatever, so you can record your thoughts, observations, feelings, and progress. Your journal entries can include self-examination, notes on your reading, goals…anything you’d like to keep track of. To help you get started, here once again are those five dimensions of your life that relate to assertiveness: situations that come up; people in your life; your own attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, and needs; your behaviors; and obstacles to expressing yourself. A sample page of your journal might look like this:
If you keep it up regularly, your journal can become a very important tool — both to record your progress and to serve as a “motivator” to continue working on your personal development. As you undertake specific changes in your life, you might decide to become more thorough in your journal keeping: You may wish to refer to the Assertiveness Inventory. Which situations and people can you handle effectively and which are troublesome? Write down the results in your journal. Pay particular attention to any patterns in your life. Are you more assertive with strangers than with intimates, for example, or perhaps vice versa? Can you readily stand up for your rights but fall down on expressing affection? Do such factors as age, sex, or roles (for instance, authority) of the other person make a difference? It is very difficult to accurately measure attitudes and needs, and it is particularly difficult to be objective about your own. Nevertheless, we encourage you to write down in your journal your feelings about your right to behave assertively. Look at the various situations and people in the definition of “assertive behavior” (chapter 1) and in the situations described in the Assertiveness Inventory. For example, do you feel that it’s okay to respond when a boss or teacher has criticized you? Evaluating your behavior is not as difficult but may take longer. In chapter 8, we’ll describe several components of behavior that are part of any assertive act. If you watch your own behavior carefully for a time (a week or more is a good idea) and record your observations regularly in your journal, you’ll have a good idea of how well you do with eye contact, facial expression, body posture, and the other components. It may help to watch some other people you consider good models of assertiveness and to note in your journal some of their behavioral qualities as well. Obstacles may be the easiest area for you to keep track of. Most people want to act assertively, but there are many barriers that seem
to make assertion difficult. Common obstacles within you fall into two categories: Anxiety, fear of the possible consequences (Maybe the other person won’t like me, or will hit me, or will think I’m crazy. … Maybe I’ll make a fool of myself. … Maybe I won’t get what I want. … I just feel anxious!) Lack of skills (I don’t know how to meet girls. … How do I express a political opinion to my friends? … I never learned how to show affection.) Perhaps the most difficult external obstacles are the other people in your life. (Parents, friends, lovers, roommates, and others have an interest in making it difficult for you to change, even if they believe they want you to be more assertive.) Record in your journal those obstacles that you think are making assertiveness more difficult for you.
Making Your Journal Work for You If you take the time and effort to keep a journal and, as you learn more about assertiveness, proceed carefully and thoroughly with your selfassessment, you’ll find that the results will help to pinpoint specifically how you may want to change. At every point, of course, you may choose whether to carry this personal growth program further and what direction you will take. And choice is what it’s all about anyway! Every week or so, carefully examine your journal entries: situations, attitudes, obstacles, people, behaviors, and notes. Look for patterns. Remember to evaluate your strengths as well as your weaknesses. The first week or two of entries in your journal should give you a good picture of how you are doing now and provide a basis for setting goals for yourself. While we have not yet presented a systematic process for setting goals (that comes in chapter 7), we encourage you to continue to think about your own hopes for improvement and to make notes in your journal about them. Your journal might show you that you have difficulty with people in authority — that you don’t believe you have a right to speak up to them, that you can’t maintain good eye contact with them, and that you’re very anxious around such people. You can work on these items individually through the step-by-step procedures described in the chapters ahead. Changing long-standing aggressive, nonassertive, or other behaviors is difficult. Your journal is a crucial asset in the process of change. As you become aware of your behavior patterns, you can begin to choose deliberately and act in ways that will move you toward your goals. As your initial awkward attempts at assertion are rewarded — “Hey, it worked!” — you’ll find the assertive choice will become easier and easier. Start your journal today with notes about your reading thus far in the book. Keep using your journal throughout your reading of Your Perfect Right and beyond to keep a careful record of how you’re doing as you apply these concepts in your own life. Your journal will provide a series of “benchmarks” so you can watch yourself grow. It will help motivate you to work at your progress. It will remind you how far you really have come —
especially valuable at those times when you begin to think you aren’t getting anywhere! Reading your journal will reassure you that you are making progress, even if it is slow. Your journal will help you to be more systematic about your work on assertiveness. And that can make all the difference! As you learn new things about yourself, you may find serious shortcomings in some of the areas we’ve discussed. If so, you may want some professional assistance in reaching your goal. Particularly if you experience very high levels of anxiety about being assertive, we suggest contact with a qualified counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other therapist. Your local community mental health center, college/university counseling center, or professional society of therapists may assist you in finding someone to help.
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Chapter 4
Whose Perfect Right? Between people, as among nations, respect of each other’s rights insures the peace. — Benito Juárez
In an interview for his 2006 book Therapy’s Best, therapist-author Howard Rosenthal asked Your Perfect Right coauthor Bob Alberti this question: “Are people more assertive now than when you first published the original [1970] edition?” Bob’s response offers a kickoff for this chapter’s discussion of how we treat one another in an assertive society: It seems that we have — as a society — reached a point of much greater openness and freedom of expression. That may not be all to the good. … Some folks have used “assertiveness” as a pretext for all sorts of uncivil behavior — misinterpreting the concept as if it gave them license for rudeness, road rage, and boorishness. Fortunately, that’s not the rule, but I sometimes think we may have “created a monster,” despite our best efforts to teach a self-expressive style that is respectful of others. Up to now, you’ve been exploring what it might mean to you to become more effective in expressing yourself. Now let’s take a look at some of the ways assertive actions fit — or don’t fit — into a larger view of society. We believe and have long taught the concept that every individual has the same fundamental human rights as every other, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, role, or title. That’s an idea worth some thought. And if the notion of equality of human rights is not idealistic enough for you, here’s another: equality is fundamental to assertive living. We’d like to see all people exercise their rights without infringing on the rights of others.
The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, adopted by the United Nations General Assembly in 1948, is an excellent statement of goals for human relationships. The excerpt on the next page presents a few key clauses from that document. The declaration is idealistic, to be sure, and we doubt that any country in the world actually lives up to its ideals. Still, we urge you to let those principles encourage you to support the rights of every individual — including yourself! Keeping a broad view of individual human rights can help us to counteract the forces that pit us against one another. We are all human beings after all, citizens of a very small planet, and dependent upon each other in many ways. We need mutual support and understanding for our very survival.
Are Some More Equal Than Others? Unfortunately, society often evaluates human beings on scales that rank some people as more important than others. Here are a few popular notions about the value of people. Which ones do you agree with?
The lists could go on and on. Many of our social and political organizations tend to perpetuate these myths and allow individuals in “less valuable” roles to be treated as if they were of lesser value as human beings. The good news, however, is that lots of folks are finding ways to express themselves as equals.
Assertive Women in the Twenty-First Century Through the first few editions of this book, the movement popularly known as “women’s liberation” was gaining momentum. We don’t hear the term much anymore, but the concept of liberated individuals — free to be themselves — has not gone away. An assertive, independent, and self-expressive woman is capable of choosing her own lifestyle, free of dictates of tradition, government, husband, children, social groups, and bosses. She may elect to be a homemaker and not fear intimidation by those who work outside the home. Or she may elect to pursue a male-dominated profession and enjoy confidence in her rights and abilities. In their excellent book The Assertive Woman, Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin present the behavioral styles of four “women we all know.” Their characterizations of “Doris Doormat,” “Agatha Aggressive,” “Iris Indirect,” and “April Assertive” are self-explanatory by the names alone. Yet, in describing the patterns of each, Phelps and Austin help us to gain a clearer picture of the social mores that have in the past devalued assertiveness in women. Agatha gets her way, though she hasn’t many friends. Iris, the sly one, also gains most of what she wants, and sometimes her “victims” never even know it. Doris, although denied her own wishes much of the time, was once highly praised by men and by the power structure as “a good woman.” April’s honesty and forthrightness may have created trouble for her at home, at school, on the job, and even with other women. In her sexual relationships, an assertive woman can be comfortable taking initiative and asking for what she wants (and thereby freeing her partner from the expected role of making the first move). She and her partner can share equally in the expression of intimacy. She can say no with firmness — and can make it stick — to requests for favors, to unwanted sexual advances, to her family’s expectations that she “do it all.” As a consumer, she can make the marketplace respond to her needs by refusing to accept shoddy merchandise, service, or marketing techniques.
A number of factors have combined to help women achieve longoverdue gains that acknowledge their individual rights. The popularity of assertiveness training for women, including specialized workshops in management and other fields, has been a contributing factor. Women of all social viewpoints, ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds, and educational and professional involvements — homemakers, hard hats, and high-ranking executives — have made phenomenal gains in assertive expression. As a result, the old “ideal,” which identified women as “passive, sweet, and submissive,” is no more. Today’s assertive woman is an assertive person who exhibits the qualities we espouse throughout this book; and she likes herself — and is liked — better for it! What’s more, many of these changes are recognized around the world. This book and The Assertive Woman have been translated and published in China, Germany, India, Israel, Japan, Poland, and many other countries. According to press reports, although women continue to be subject to severe cultural and legal restrictions, even in some conservative Muslim societies women are making gains in personal and political equality.
Men Can Be Assertive Too! We’ve enjoyed inviting audiences to imagine the following scene: John’s day has been exhausting; he has washed windows, mopped floors, completed three loads of wash, and continually picked up and cleaned up after the children. He is now working hurriedly in the kitchen preparing dinner. The children are running in and out of the house, banging the door, screaming, and throwing toys. In the midst of this chaos, Mary arrives home from an equally trying day at her office. She offers a cursory “I’m home!” as she passes the kitchen on her way to the family room. Dropping her briefcase and kicking off her shoes, she flops in her favorite chair in front of the television set, calling out, “John, bring me a beer! I’ve had a helluva day!” This scene is humorous partly because it counters cultural stereotypes. After all, shouldn’t John also have a career, working for a salary instead of at home? Isn’t it a man’s place to go out and conquer the world on behalf of his family? To demonstrate his manhood, his machismo, his strength, and his courage? For too long, our society accepted as proper the stereotype of the male as the “mighty hunter” who must protect and provide for his family. Indeed, from earliest childhood, the accepted male roles of earlier days encouraged assertive — and often aggressive — behavior in pursuit of this “ideal.” Competitiveness, achievement, and striving to be the best were integral components of male child-rearing and formal schooling — much more so than for daughters. Men have been treated as if they were by nature strong, active, decisive, dominant, cool, and rational. Late in the twentieth century, a growing number of men began to acknowledge a great gap in their preparation for interpersonal relationships. Limited in the past to only two options — the powerful, dominating aggressor or the wimp with sand in his face — most found neither to be particularly satisfying. Assertiveness offered them an effective alternative, and a new generation of men has rejected the aggressive, climbing, “success” stereotype in favor of a more balanced role and lifestyle. Psychological and cultural concepts of “masculinity” have changed to acknowledge the caring, nurturing side of men as well. Men have recognized
that they can accomplish their own life goals in assertive — not aggressive — ways. Professional advancement is available for the competent, confident, assertive man. We have witnessed remarkable changes in our society’s definition of what it means to be a man. The emerging definition looks remarkably like the assertive man we have been encouraging for decades: firm but not pushy, self-confident but not arrogant, self-assertive but committed to equality in relationships, open and direct but not dominant. We admire those men who acknowledge to themselves and to one another (and to the women in their lives) their needs and desires, their strengths and their vulnerabilities, their anxieties and their guilt, and the internal and external pressures that drive their lives. Assertive men these days are held in high esteem in relationships with the important others in their lives. Family and friends are closer to and have greater respect for the man who is comfortable enough with himself that he needn’t put others down in order to put himself up. The honesty of assertiveness is an incalculable asset in close personal relationships, and assertive men are coming to value such closeness right along with the traditional rewards of economic success. Researchers who have studied large groups of men over long time periods have noted that many men who lived the aggressive style in their twenties and thirties found that the achievements thus gained meant little in their later years. The values of personal intimacy, family closeness, and trusted friendships — all fostered by assertiveness, openness, and honesty — are the lasting and important ones.
Living in a Multicultural, Pluralistic World The essence of our approach to assertiveness training has always been equality. The goal of this book is to foster better communication between equals, not to help one to be superior to another or to step on others to get her way. Open and honest communication — mutual, cooperative, affirming — is the process that can achieve the desired outcome of equality: a place for everyone. These days, however, that goal may be more challenging than ever before, as the world grows smaller. Globally, economic, political, and personal changes have led to more awareness of and direct contact with people of different cultural backgrounds. Every day, right here at home, most of us can see that the world is becoming a multicultural “mixing pot” to a greater degree than ever before. It’s exciting and refreshing to see different faces, hear different languages, and encounter different lifestyles. At times, it can also be uncomfortable. At the time of this writing, fear of those very differences is widespread. Terrorism appears to be an ever-present threat, although its tragic results affect many fewer people than “everyday” homicides in the United States. Tensions are high around the globe as dictators and despots in nations large and small jockey for position in the struggle for international power and influence. Extremists of every stripe exploit the latest technologies in pursuit of their zeal to disrupt the peace and sway the masses. And our politicians unfortunately play on those fears, knowing such a strategy will buy them votes. Although change far outpaces our ability to keep track, no other nation today has the cultural diversity of the United States. California is in the forefront of the interface of cultures but is by no means alone. In fact, more than half the populations of California, Hawaii, New Mexico, and Texas are people of color, including Hispanic/Latino, African American, Asian, Native American, and other ethnic groups. In the public schools — a microcosm of the larger society — teachers of English as a second language face a sea of faces from dozens of diverse cultures. In one Los Angeles school, a reported twenty-two different languages are spoken!
As California’s multiethnic population has grown, similar population changes are occurring throughout the United States. Can we all live together? Do we respect and value one another? Or are we threatened by the entry of each newcomer, each “foreigner,” each person who is “different,” each believer in a different god? Protection of human rights, equality of treatment, and respect for individuals regardless of ethnic or personal traits: the more we can become aware of and understand and accept one another — including those who are “different” — the stronger we will be as individuals (and as a nation and world).
How Different Is “Different”? When people think about other cultures, they commonly assume that “all people from a culture behave in the same way.” UCLA professor Steven Lopez told us a few years ago that, for too long, “understanding” people of other backgrounds has meant lumping cultural groups together and ignoring individuals. Such stereotyping creates barriers, it doesn’t erase them. We hear stereotypes about other cultures all the time. Here are a few: in some cultures, if a woman smiles at a stranger, it has sexual implications; African American males do not like to maintain eye contact in conversations; the male rules the household in the Mexican American culture; Saudi Arabians stand very close and seldom use their right hand when communicating; in some cultures, the death of a loved one is a joyous occasion. Can it be that all people from a certain culture (or all women, or all teenagers) have the same beliefs? Or act the same way? Of course not. And such stereotypic assumptions are as dangerous as they are false. We get into trouble when we assume that all people from any group behave in the same way or share the same beliefs. The catch is that it’s equally false — and dangerous — to assume that “people are people” and deep down we’re all alike as human beings, regardless of our groups. Culture, gender, and age are important, and to understand an individual requires that you acknowledge these vital characteristics — and treat her or him individually.
What Does Background Have to Do with Assertiveness? As you begin to develop assertive skills, how can you use them in dealing with people from different backgrounds? First, treat each person with respect; second, educate yourself about the backgrounds of people you encounter; and third, if something seems unusual in an individual’s style — standing too close, avoiding eye contact, being overly shy or pushy — check it out. You might say something such as, “I find it a little uncomfortable when you stand so close to me. I guess I’m not used to that.” Keep in mind that each human being is unique, a complex blend of age, gender, genes, culture, beliefs, and personal life experiences. All Italians, or Irish, or Vietnamese, or Mexicans are not alike, but members of each group have much in common. All teenagers, or senior citizens, or preschoolers are not the same, but it helps to know something about the needs and characteristics of a person’s group as you deal with that individual. All working women, or midlife men, or thirty-somethings are not identical, but they have similarities that may be important to be aware of if you want to get to know someone who fits one of those labels. In sum, as you seek to understand people of other cultures or backgrounds, begin first with the individual. Don’t underestimate cultural or group-specific behavior or overestimate the universality of human behavior. When in doubt, show respect, ask questions, and listen, listen, listen.
Society Often Discourages Assertiveness Despite important improvements in some areas, society’s rewards for appropriate assertive behavior are not universal. The assertions of each individual, the right of self-expression without fear or guilt, the right to a dissenting opinion, and the unique contribution of each person all need greater recognition. We can’t overemphasize the importance of the difference between appropriate assertion and the destructive aggression with which it is often confused. Assertion is often actively discouraged in subtle — or not so subtle — ways in the family, at school, at work, in faith-based communities, in political institutions, and elsewhere. In the family, the child who decides to speak up for his or her rights is often promptly censored: “Don’t talk to your mother (father) that way!” “Children are to be seen, not heard.” “Don’t be disrespectful!” “Never let me hear you talk like that again!” Obviously, these common parental commands are not conducive to a child’s assertion of self! At school, teachers are frequently inhibitors of assertion. Quiet, wellbehaved children who do not question authority are rewarded, whereas those who “buck the system” in some way are dealt with firmly. Educators acknowledge that the child’s natural spontaneity in learning is, by the fourth or fifth grade, replaced by conformity to the school’s approach. The results of such upbringing affect functioning on the job, and the workplace itself often is no help. At work, employees usually assume that it’s best not to do or say anything that will rock the boat. The boss is in charge, and everyone else is expected to “go along” — even if they consider the expectations completely inappropriate. Early work experiences teach us that those who speak up are not likely to obtain raises or recognition and may even lose their jobs. You quickly learn not to make waves, to keep things running smoothly, to have few ideas of your own, and to be careful how you act lest it get back to the boss.
We all have the right to express ourselves and our needs, and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process.
Fortunately, things have changed somewhat in recent years, with more employee rights and a greater balance emerging. A collegial atmosphere now pervades high-tech firms. Low unemployment has required employers to accommodate a variety of individuals with talent. Many people work at home, as independent contractors or telecommuters, for virtually all of their working lives. In many work environments, employees no longer fear speaking out on the job, but “whistle-blowers” — those who openly report unfair, unethical, or illegal activities in the workplace — are often shunned and rebuked, in spite of laws allegedly protecting them. There are still many influences that suggest it’s best to be nonassertive at work! The teachings of many religious organizations suggest that assertive behavior is somehow at odds with the principles of one’s faith. Such qualities as humility, self-denial, and self-sacrifice may be encouraged to the exclusion of standing up for oneself. There is a mistaken notion that religious ideals must, in some mystical way, be incompatible with feeling good about oneself and with being calm and confident in relationships with others. Quite the contrary; assertiveness is not only compatible with the teachings of major religions, it frees you of self-defeating behavior, allowing you to be of greater service to others as well as to yourself. Political institutions may not be as likely as the home, school, or workplace to influence the early development of assertive behavior, but political decision making still remains largely inaccessible to the average citizen. Nevertheless, it is still true that the “squeaky wheel gets the grease,” and when individuals — especially when they get together in groups — become expressive enough, governments usually respond. Of course, since September 11, 2001, restrictions on civil liberties (such as the USA PATRIOT Act) have made it more hazardous for individuals — and even groups — to express dissent from government policies, even in the “free speech” United States.
We have been gratified to see the growth and successes of assertive citizen lobbies. Minority/homeless/children’s/gay and other rights movements, MoveOn.org, Public Citizen, Common Cause (for political reform), AARP and Gray Panthers (for older Americans), and the various tax reform movements are powerful evidence that assertion does work! And there may be no more important arena for its application than overcoming the sense of “What’s the use? I can’t make a difference,” which tends to pervade the realm of personal political action. Social institutions change slowly. Colleges and universities, governments, political institutions, and international conglomerate corporations often resist change until conditions become so oppressive that some people consider it necessary to become aggressive in pursuit of their goals. Sadly, they may take to the streets in aggressive protest, vandalize property, or even hurt other people in order to make a point. Yet such institutions tend to dig in and resist violent change; they are most likely to respond favorably to persistent assertive action. Those who have been carefully taught by family, school, and society not to speak up or demand their reasonable rights may feel powerless to express themselves or highly anxious when they do stand up to be counted. We look forward to the day when most families, schools, businesses, religions, and governments encourage individual self-assertion and stop limiting selffulfilling actions. We love it when frustrated individuals and groups seeking change develop assertive alternatives in pursuit of their goals. After all, each of us has the right to be and to express ourselves and our needs and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process.
Chapter 5
What It Means to Be Assertive There are three possible broad approaches to the conduct of interpersonal relations. The first is to consider one’s self only and ride roughshod over others. … The second…is always to put others before one’s self. … The third approach is the golden mean. … The individual places himself first, but takes others into account. — Joseph Wolpe
They harvest fruits and vegetables that nobody else wants and distribute them to people who would otherwise be without. They’re the “Senior Gleaners” of Northern California, an all-volunteer assembly of people of retirement age, loosely affiliated with groups in other areas around the country through Feeding America — the national food bank network. The group was started in 1976 by a retired engineer, Homer Fahrner, who gathered the first thirty volunteers in his Sacramento garage. In an interview with psychologist-author Bill Berkowitz for a feature story in the book Local Heroes, Fahrner was asked for the key to the group’s early success. He responded enthusiastically: “I’m saying first, right out, when the crops grow, go out and see those people and persist. Because one turns you down, maybe he’s got a good reason. Go on, go on, go on.” Homer Fahrner’s admonition could be the mantra of this book: “Go on, go on, go on.” Persistence may just be the single most important thing you learn from this process. But wait! Yes, persistence is important, and we encourage you to make it a part of your “assertiveness toolkit,” but it’s not all there is to being assertive. Stay with us as we take another look at the concept of assertiveness as we defined it in chapter 1: Assertive self-expression is direct, firm, positive — and, when necessary, persistent — action intended to promote equality in
person-to-person relationships. Assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our needs and feelings (affection, love, friendship, disappointment, annoyance, anger, regret, sorrow) honestly and comfortably. Let’s examine those elements in greater detail. To be direct, firm, positive, and persistent means to express your thoughts and feelings spontaneously, directly to the person(s) involved, firmly enough to make your point clear, and persistently enough so others recognize you’re serious about it. To promote equality in person-to-person relationships means to put both parties on an equal footing, to restore the balance of power by giving personal power to the “underdog,” to make it possible for everyone to gain and no one to lose. To act in your own best interests refers to the ability to make your own decisions about career, relationships, lifestyle, and time schedule, to take initiative starting conversations and organizing activities, to trust your own judgment, to set goals and work to achieve them, to ask for help from others, and to participate socially. To stand up for yourself includes such behaviors as saying no, setting limits on time and energy, responding to criticism or put-downs or anger, and expressing or supporting or defending an opinion. To exercise personal rights relates to competency as a citizen, as a consumer, as a member of an organization or school or work group, and as a participant in public events to express opinions, to work for change, and to respond to violations of one’s own rights or those of others. To not deny the rights of others is to accomplish the above personal expressions without unfair criticism of others, without hurtful behavior toward others, without name-calling, without intimidation, without manipulation, and without controlling others. To express needs and feelings honestly and comfortably means to be able to disagree, to show anger, to show affection or friendship, to admit fear or
anxiety, to express agreement or support, and to be spontaneous — all with little or no painful anxiety. Putting those elements of the definition back together, you can see that assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values the other people in your life. It contributes both to your personal life satisfaction and to the quality of your relationships with others. Studies show that, as a direct result of gains in self-expressiveness, individuals have improved their self-esteem, reduced their anxiety, overcome depression, gained greater respect from others, accomplished more in terms of their life goals, increased their level of self-understanding, and improved their capacity to communicate more effectively with others. We can’t promise any specific results for you, of course, but the evidence is impressive!
Assertive, Nonassertive, and Aggressive Behavior We get a lot of mixed messages about appropriate behavior these days. Conflict between what’s recommended and what’s rewarded is evident in many areas of life. Ideally, each of us should respect the rights of others. And the public comments of most political leaders frequently repeat that ideal. But what about the real world? All too often, parents, teachers, and business, government, and other institutions say one thing and do another, contradicting these values in their own actions. Tact, diplomacy, courtesy, refined manners, modesty, civility, and self-denial are generally praised; yet, realistically, to get ahead, it seems to be pretty much acceptable to step on others. Athletes, for example, are encouraged to be aggressive in competitive sports, perhaps even to bend the rules a little. That’s winked at because “winning is the only thing,” right? “It’s not important how you play the game; it’s just important that you win.” So, how to deal with these mixed messages? We believe you should be able to choose for yourself how to act. If your “polite restraint” response is too strong, you may be unable to express yourself as you would like. If your aggressive response is overdeveloped, you may achieve your goals by hurting others. Freedom of choice and self-control are possible when you develop assertive responses to situations you have previously handled nonassertively or aggressively. Throughout the nine editions and nearly five decades of this book’s history, one of the most popular (and frequently reproduced) sections has been our simple chart contrasting assertive, nonassertive, and aggressive actions. The chart (on the next page) helps to clarify the concepts by displaying several feelings and consequences typical for the person (“sender”) whose actions are nonassertive, assertive, or aggressive. Also shown for each of these actions are the likely consequences for the person toward whom the action is directed (“receiver”). As the chart shows, a nonassertive response means that the sender is denying self-expression and is inhibited from letting feelings show. People who behave nonassertively often feel hurt and anxious since they allow others to choose for them. They seldom achieve their own needs and goals.
The person who carries a desire for self-expression to the extreme of aggressive behavior accomplishes goals at the expense of others. Although frequently self-enhancing and expressive of feelings in the situation, aggressive behavior hurts other people in the process by making choices for them and by minimizing their worth. Aggressive behavior commonly results in a put-down of the receiver. Rights denied, the receiver feels hurt, defensive, and humiliated. His or her needs and goals in the situation, of course, are not achieved. Aggressive behavior may achieve the sender’s goals but may also generate bitterness and frustration that may later return as vengeance.
Some professionals who work with assertiveness training prefer to add a fourth category — indirect aggression — to this model. They note that much aggressive behavior takes the form of passive, nonoppositional action. Sometimes such actions are sneaky or sly; other times they may simply be double entendres: smiling, friendly, agreeable behavior that hides a backstabbing or undermining action. We consider this category to be a form of aggression and have simplified our model by not dealing with it separately. Appropriately assertive behavior in the same situation would be selfenhancing for the sender, would be an honest expression of feelings, and would usually achieve the goal. When you choose for yourself how to act, a good feeling typically accompanies the assertive response, even when you don’t achieve your goals. When the consequences of these three contrasting behaviors are seen from the viewpoint of the receiver of the action, we see a parallel pattern. Nonassertive behavior may produce sympathy, confusion, or outright contempt for the sender. Also, the receiver may feel guilt or anger at having achieved goals at the expense of the sender. The receiver of aggressive actions often feels hurt, defensive, put down, or perhaps aggressive in return. In contrast, assertion tends to enhance the feeling of self-worth of both parties and permits both full self-expression and achievement of needs. In summary, it is clear that self-denial in nonassertive behavior hurts the sender; aggressive behavior may hurt the receiver (or even both parties). In the case of assertion, neither person is hurt, and it is likely that both will succeed. The series of example situations that appears in chapter 6 will help to make these distinctions more clear.
Assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values the other people in your life.
It is important to note that assertive behavior is person- and situationspecific, not universal. What may be considered assertive depends upon the people involved and the circ*mstances of the situation. Although we believe
the definitions and examples presented in this book are realistic and appropriate for most people and circ*mstances, individual differences must be considered. Cultural or ethnic background, for instance, may create a different set of personal circ*mstances that would change the nature of “appropriateness” in assertive behavior.
Assertiveness and Personal Boundaries There’s lots of talk these days about “boundaries.” The concept of personal boundaries is a graphic way of describing how close you allow others to come to you — physically, emotionally, sexually, intellectually, and socially. Your sense of yourself provides the foundation for your creation of boundaries. It might appear that someone who has a strong self-concept would have solid boundaries: a virtual bubble in which one can walk at a safe distance from other people. We don’t see it that way. In our view, a strong self-concept will enable you to allow others to get close to you because you’re secure in yourself. Personal insecurity — a weak selfconcept — may lead you to keep others at a distance, lest their closeness become a threat. The relationship between personal boundaries and assertiveness is strong but not necessarily simple. Assertive self-expression allows you to communicate your boundaries to others: “That’s as close as I’ll allow you to get to me.” “Don’t touch me.” “You’re in my space now; please back off.” But assertiveness is not all about setting limits or maintaining control in relationships. The equal-relationship assertiveness we urge is about closeness as well. We want you to be able to act assertively in drawing people closer to you as well as in keeping them away, as you choose. Romantic relationships provide classic examples of how personal boundaries work. If Jill finds Jack attractive, she may approach him with an invitation to get together socially, expanding her personal boundaries in an effort to draw him closer. Jack may misinterpret Jill’s invitation and conclude that he is at liberty to make sexual advances. Jill may consider such actions a boundary violation and push Jack away. How close is “close enough”? Effective personal boundaries are not set in stone. They’re flexible, they vary with each person with whom you have a relationship, and they vary with time. Jill might have welcomed Jack’s sexual advances at a later time. By invading her boundary too early, however, he has probably lost the opportunity to develop a longer-term relationship. Once again, choice is the bottom line here. Our goal in facilitating your growth in assertive self-expression is to free you to make those choices: to
be close when you want and to maintain distance when you prefer that; to nurture your ties with friends and loved ones and to set firm limits with those you don’t want close; to speak up when it’s necessary to defend your personal space and to reach out when you want to expand your personal space; and to recognize that the other person has rights too. As President Abraham Lincoln, Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., and others pointed out more than a century ago, “Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.”
Cultural Differences in Self-Assertion While the desire for self-expression may be a basic human need, assertive behavior in interpersonal relationships is primarily characteristic of Western cultures. (For purposes of illustration, please permit us a few cultural generalizations and a stereotype or two. We discussed this topic in the previous chapter, but it’s important enough to take another look as we consider what it means to be assertive.) In many Asian and Middle Eastern cultures, group membership (family, clan, tribe, work group, religion) is valued above individuality. How others see one tends to be more important to an individual than self-concept. Courtesy is a key virtue, and communication is often indirect so as to avoid confrontation or offending another. Those who value tradition generally do not consider assertiveness, in the Western sense of direct self-expression, appropriate. Many young people, however, and those whose activities include considerable contact with the United States and Europe have developed more direct, informal, and assertive styles. Many individuals and subcommunities in Latino and Hispanic societies have emphasized the notion of “machismo” to the point that assertiveness — as we have defined it — seems rather tame, at least for men. In those cases, a greater display of strength is the norm for male self-expression. Yet people from cultures where self-assertion traditionally has not been valued may be just those who most need its benefits. As our world shrinks, it may be that current and future international relations require more open and direct communication and a greater sense of equality — expressed on both sides of the table.
And It’s Not Just Culture… We hope our discussion of cultural differences doesn’t make it seem that’s all there is to “diversity.” Not so. Although culture is a very significant factor when it comes to assertive behavior, it’s important not to overlook other dimensions of “differentness.” We’re all different! Think about ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, physical abilities, mental abilities, socioeconomic status, education, religious beliefs. While it’s not humanly possible to take all of these variables into account in assessing what it means to be assertive in any given situation, we urge you to make diversity a part of your frame of reference in your approach to relationships.
“But Isn’t Aggression Just Human Nature?” Aggression and violence are often excused on the grounds that they are innate in the human organism and cannot be avoided. That’s not the case, say the most distinguished scholars who have researched the subject. The Seville Statement — written in 1986 by twenty distinguished social and behavioral scientists from twelve nations and endorsed by the American Psychological and American Anthropological Associations — declares: It is scientifically incorrect to say: That we have inherited a tendency to make war from our animal ancestors. … Warfare is a peculiarly human phenomenon and does not occur in other animals. … War is biologically possible, but it is not inevitable. … That war or any other violent behavior is genetically programmed into our human nature. … Except for rare pathologies, the genes do not produce individuals necessarily predisposed to violence. Neither do they determine the opposite. … That in the course of human evolution there has been a selection for aggressive behavior. … Violence is neither in our evolutionary legacy nor in our genes. That humans have a “violent brain.” While we do have the neural apparatus to act violently…there is nothing in our neurophysiology that compels [such behavior]. … That war is caused by “instinct” or any single motivation. We conclude that biology does not condemn humanity to war, and that humanity can be freed from the bondage of biological pessimism. … The same species [that] invented war is capable of inventing peace.
Classifying Behavior: “A Rose by Any Other Name…” “I told my father-in-law not to smoke his cigar in my house. Was that assertive or aggressive?” Members of assertiveness training groups and workshops have often asked us to classify a particular act as “assertive” or “aggressive.” What makes the important difference? We’ve suggested that assertive and aggressive behavior differ principally in that the latter involves hurting, manipulating, or denying others in the course of expressing oneself. Practitioners and writers with a psychoanalytic orientation have proposed that intent must be considered. That is, if you intended to hurt your father-inlaw, that’s aggressive; if you simply wanted to inform him of your wishes, you were acting assertively from the viewpoint of intent. Many psychologists insist that behavior must be measurable according to its effects. Thus, if your father-in-law gets the assertive message and responds accordingly — by agreeing not to smoke — your behavior may be classified as assertive. If he pouts in a corner or shouts, “Who do you think you are?” your statement probably came across as aggressive. As we have noted, the sociocultural context must be taken into account in classifying behavior as assertive or aggressive or nonassertive. A culture that highly values honoring one’s elders may view the request as clearly out of line and aggressive, regardless of the behavior, response, or intent. There are no absolutes in this area, and some criteria may be in conflict. A particular act may be at once assertive in behavior and intent (you wanted to and did express your feelings), aggressive in response (the other person could not handle your assertion), and nonassertive in the sociocultural context (your culture expects a powerful, put-down style). It’s not always easy to classify human behavior! A specific situation may vary considerably from the examples we discuss here. In any event, the question “Is it assertive or aggressive?” is not one that may be answered simply! Each situation ultimately must be evaluated on its own. The labels “nonassertive,” “assertive,” and “aggressive” themselves carry no magic, but they may be useful in assessing the appropriateness of a particular action.
Bottom line: don’t sweat the labels. We want you to be able to choose for yourself how you will act and to know that you have the tools you need to succeed.
Social Consequences of Assertion While you’re learning skills to improve your ability to express yourself appropriately and responsibly, keep in mind that self-expression must be modulated by its context. Just as freedom of speech does not convey the right to yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater, so the form of self-expression we advise is one that considers its consequences. Once again, “Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.” The perfect right you have to say no exists alongside the other person’s right to say yes. And your desire to accomplish your goals through selfassertion must be weighed against the needs of the larger society. Speak out or write about any idea you choose to support, but recognize the other person’s right to do the same. And be prepared to pay some dues — perhaps in jail — if your expression goes beyond words and includes civil disobedience. Just as there are taxes for those who accumulate wealth, there is a price to pay for freedom of expression. While you have a perfect right to maintain a viewpoint, everyone else has the same right — and your views may conflict. Keep this in mind on your journey toward greater personal assertiveness.
“Be Nice” “What’s the secret of good conversation?” the CBS TV host asked our psychologist colleague and friend Bernardo Carducci. “Be nice,” Bernie replied. Can it be that simple? Perhaps. Dr. Carducci was invited to the show because he’s well known for his systematic approach to making conversation. In his Shyness Clinic at Indiana University Southeast, Carducci teaches five key steps to help students reach out to others and make good conversation. For TV, of course, he compressed his system into a sound bite: “Be nice.” Although we’ve spent much of the last fifty years helping folks express themselves more effectively, maybe we should have been paying more attention to niceness. Standing up for yourself; speaking out to right wrongs; expressing your wishes, feelings, and opinions — those are the important skills we’ve emphasized and called “assertiveness.” But as we think about what it means to be assertive, maybe we need to go further. Maybe more “nice” is what’s needed these days. Consider: Courtesy. Holding doors for others, not cutting in lines, asking rather than demanding, just being polite, being on time. If your hair isn’t gray, hold a door open for someone whose is. Thanks. Expressing appreciation for small things, recognizing those who give of themselves. If a member of your service club or bridge group or band goes the extra mile, thank her publicly. Thoughtfulness. Remembering others’ needs, doing favors, giving compliments, listening, paying attention. If there’s a birthday coming up for someone in your life, remember it in some small (or large!) way. Honesty. Being straight but not hurtful, expressing love and caring, keeping promises. If a loved one or friend has hurt you, find a time and place to bring it up, gently, and work it out.
Balance. Give and take, quid pro quo. Civility. We don’t hear much about it today, but believe it or not, it used to be the order of the day in Congress. Can we disagree without being disagreeable? Reaching out. Being the first to say hello or wave, cultivating friendly neighborhoods, connecting, making friends. Organizations, institutions, corporations, and even schools and colleges and hospitals often take advantage of people. The people in them don’t matter; all that matters is that the institution itself continues on its path without interference. Even volunteer groups in the community frequently are careless about how they treat those who give so much to make life better for all of us. As individuals, we don’t have to act like institutions. We can treat one another with respect, as people of unique worth. We can be nice.
Assertiveness in the Twenty-First Century In early editions of Your Perfect Right, we used the following example of a situation calling for assertive action: “Has anyone ever cut in front of you in a line?” Our advice, of course, was to speak up for yourself, to call attention to the situation, to ask that the line-jumper respect the rights of those who have already been waiting. Today, frankly, we’re not so sure. New York Times columnist and author Thomas L. Friedman (The World Is Flat) tells of an incident in an airport bookshop a few years back that illustrates this point. Thinking he was next in line, he put his money on the counter and heard the woman next to him say, “Excuse me, I was here first” — obviously, this was someone in a hurry to make her purchase. Friedman said he was very sorry, but he was clearly there first. Today, he says, he would have responded very differently: “I would have said, ‘Miss, I’m so sorry. I am entirely in the wrong. Please go ahead. And can I buy your magazines for you?’” These days, Friedman muses, you never know how people will react. “I’d be thinking there is some chance this woman has a blog, or a camera in her mobile phone, and could, if she so chose, tell the whole world about our encounter — entirely from her perspective — and my utterly rude, boorish, arrogant, thinks-he-can-butt-in-line behavior. Yikes!” And if the other person in such an encounter were inclined to be directly aggressive, Friedman might have wound up with a bloody nose (or perhaps worse, in a time when weapons are commonly carried). We have emphasized the importance of individual self-expression, and we remain committed to the value of each individual human being. But let’s be real about the world in which we find ourselves in the twenty-first century. We have long considered appropriate assertiveness to be person- and situation-specific. The cutting-in-line situation must be assessed more carefully. Our “perfect rights” haven’t changed, of course, but we must exercise our right to express them with greater caution. It has always been true that you risk being punched in the nose when you speak up for yourself. Today, however, the probability of a violent reaction seems greater than ever before. A punch in the nose, an obscene gesture, even a knife or gun are seen as the quick answer to many disagreements.
Cut me off on the freeway? The least you’ll get is my horn and the extended digit of one hand. You may get bumped the next time traffic slows down. Or I may just decide to run you off the road. Reprimand or fire me at work? I may return with a gun to “pay you back,” if I’m emotionally unstable or under the influence. (Law enforcement officials tell us that a huge percentage of convicted criminals are chronic drug users.) There are, of course, no easy answers to such dilemmas of life in a violence-prone, post-9/11 society. We cannot recommend that you take the risks of asserting yourself under all circ*mstances, nor will we advise you to duck inside your shell and avoid any situation in which your safety may be at stake. What we do advise is that you exercise appropriate caution in risky situations. Take time to consider the possible consequences of your actions, how well you know the person(s) you’re dealing with, how well you know the territory in which you find yourself, how important it is to have your say, whether you’re likely to accomplish anything by speaking up. In chapter 22, we elaborate on those thoughts and put together a checklist of criteria to aid you in deciding “Is this a situation in which I want to be assertive?” Don’t misunderstand our caveat here. We do not want you to avoid reasonable assertions because there may be risk. There is risk in getting out of bed in the morning. There is risk in driving your car (even without the “crazies”). There is risk in most jobs. (Ask your employer about the cost of workers’ compensation insurance, even for “nonhazardous” jobs!) There is risk in living in the city — or in the country. There is risk in involving yourself in a relationship. To avoid risk is to avoid life — and we want you to live as fully as you can. Just consider taking risks that count for something! Our society needs all the help it can get in creating harmony. Let’s focus our assertiveness where it’s meaningful: working toward equality and cooperation in relationships with others.
Eleven Key Points About Assertive Behavior To summarize this chapter, here is a list of eleven key qualities of assertive behavior: Self-expressive Respectful of the rights of others Honest Direct and firm Equalizing, benefiting both parties in a relationship Both verbal (including the content of the message) and nonverbal (including the style of the message) Positive (expressing affection, praise, appreciation) at times and negative (expressing limits, anger, criticism) at times Appropriate for the person and situation, not universal Socially responsible Both inborn (elements of temperament) and learned (styles of behavior) As persistent as is necessary to achieve one’s goals without violating the ten points above Now you have a better idea of what it means to be assertive, and you’re probably ready to begin taking steps toward increasing your own effectiveness in self-expression. The following chapter provides many examples of life situations calling for assertive action. It’s likely you’ll find yourself nodding in recognition as you read them!
Chapter 6
“Can You Give Me an Example?” We are all controlled by the world in which we live. … The question is this: are we to be controlled by accidents, by tyrants, or by ourselves? — B. F. Skinner
A look at some everyday situations will improve your understanding of the behavioral styles we’ve discussed. As you read the examples in this chapter, you may wish to pause and think about your own response before reading the alternative responses we have presented. These examples are oversimplified, of course, so we can demonstrate the ideas more clearly.
Something Borrowed Yolanda is a flight attendant — bright, outgoing, a good worker, and liked by customers and peers. She lives in a condo with two roommates and is looking forward to a quiet evening at home one Friday when her roommate Marcy asks a favor. Marcy says that she is going out with a special man and wants to borrow Yolanda’s new and quite expensive necklace. The necklace was a gift from her brother, with whom Yolanda is very close, and it means a great deal to her. Her response is: Nonassertive: She swallows her anxiety about loss or damage to the necklace. Although she feels that its special meaning makes it too personal to lend, she says, “Sure!” She denies herself, rewards Marcy for making an unreasonable request, and worries all evening.
Aggressive: Yolanda is outraged at her friend’s request, tells her, “Absolutely not!” and rebukes her severely for even daring to ask “such a stupid question.” She humiliates Marcy and makes a fool of herself too. Later she feels uncomfortable and guilty. Marcy’s hurt feelings show all evening, and she has a miserable time, which puzzles and dismays her date. Thereafter, the relationship between Yolanda and Marcy is very strained. Assertive: Yolanda explains the significance of the necklace to her roommate. Kindly but firmly, she tells Marcy she can’t agree to her request because this piece of jewelry is particularly personal. Marcy is disappointed but understanding, and Yolanda feels good for having been honest. Marcy impresses her date just by being herself.
Dining Out Akim and Letitia are at dinner in a moderately expensive restaurant. Akim has ordered grilled chicken breast; but when the entree is served, he finds it overcooked and dry. His action is: Nonassertive: Akim grumbles to Letitia about the “burned meat” and vows that he won’t patronize this restaurant in the future. He says nothing to the server about his disappointment, instead responding “Fine!” to her inquiry, “Is everything all right?” His dinner and evening are spoiled, and he feels angry with himself for taking no action. Akim’s estimation of himself and Letitia’s estimation of him are both deflated by the experience. Aggressive: Akim angrily summons the server to his table. He criticizes her loudly and unfairly for not complying with his order. His actions ridicule the server and embarrass Letitia. He demands and receives another dinner, prepared more to his liking. He feels in control of the situation, but Letitia’s embarrassment creates friction between them and spoils their night out. The server is humiliated and angry for the rest of the evening.
Assertive: Akim motions the server to his table. He shows her the overcooked meat and asks in a friendly way that it be returned to the kitchen and replaced. The server apologizes for the error and shortly returns with a properly cooked order of chicken. Akim and Letitia enjoy dinner, and Akim feels satisfaction with himself. The server is pleased with a satisfied customer and a generous tip.
Have a Snort! Lindsay is a friendly, socially active graduate student who has been going out with Justin and has come to care a lot for him. One evening, he invites her to attend a small get-together with two other couples. As everyone gets acquainted at the party, Lindsay is enjoying herself. After an hour or so, one of her new friends brings out a small bag of cocaine. Everyone except Lindsay responds eagerly. She has not tried co*ke and doesn’t want to experiment. She is in real conflict when Justin offers her a snort. She decides to be: Nonassertive: She accepts the cocaine and pretends to have used it before. She carefully watches the others to see how they inhale the powder. She dreads the possibility they may ask her to take more. Lindsay is worried about what Justin is thinking about her. She has denied her feelings, been dishonest with him, and feels remorseful for giving in to something she did not wish to do. Aggressive: Lindsay is visibly upset when offered the cocaine and blasts Justin for bringing her to a party like this. She demands he take her home right away. When the others say she doesn’t have to use if she doesn’t want to, she yells at them. As she carries on, Justin is humiliated and embarrassed in front of his friends. He remains cordial to Lindsay as he takes her home, but he bad-mouths her to his friends the next day. Assertive: Lindsay does not accept the cocaine, replying simply, “No, I don’t want it,” and asks Justin to take her home. On the way, she
makes clear to him her concern that he didn’t tell her in advance that there would be cocaine at the party. She emphasizes that she was really afraid that the party might have been busted. She tells Justin that she values their relationship, but she’ll break it off if he continues to use drugs.
The Heavyweight Dominic and Gina’s marriage of nine years is in trouble. Dominic is hassling Gina about being overweight. He brings the subject up continually, pointing out that she is no longer the woman he married (she was twenty-five pounds lighter then). He keeps telling her that being overweight is bad for her health, that she’s a bad example for the children, and so on. Dominic teases Gina about being “chunky,” comments on how attractive thinner women look, and makes reference to her figure in front of their friends. She has been attempting to lose weight, with little success. Dominic has been acting this way for several months, and Gina is highly upset. Her response is: Nonassertive: She apologizes for her weight, makes feeble excuses, and simply doesn’t reply to some of Dominic’s comments. Internally, she feels both hostile toward her husband for his nagging and guilty about being overweight. Her feelings of anxiety make it even more difficult for her to lose weight, and the battle continues. Aggressive: Gina goes into a long tirade about how her husband isn’t any great bargain anymore either. She brings up the fact that, at night, he falls asleep on the couch half the time, is a lousy sex partner, and doesn’t pay enough attention to her. She complains that he humiliates her in front of the children and their close friends and that he acts like a “lecherous old man” by the way he eyes other women. In her anger, she succeeds only in wounding Dominic and driving a wedge between them.
Assertive: Approaching her husband when they’re alone and will not be interrupted, Gina admits that Dominic is right about her need to lose weight, but she doesn’t like the way he keeps after her about the problem. She points out that she is doing her best and is having a difficult time losing the weight and maintaining the loss. He admits that his harping is ineffective, and they work out a plan to exercise together. Dominic also resolves to reinforce her systematically for her efforts to lose weight.
Volume Uncontrolled Edmond and Virginia have a two-year-old boy and a baby girl. Over the last several nights, their neighbor’s son, seventeen, has been sitting in his car in his own driveway with his car stereo blaring loudly. He begins just about the time their two young children go to bed on the side of the house closest to the music. They’ve found it virtually impossible to get the children to sleep until the music stops. Edmond and Virginia are both disturbed and decide to be: Nonassertive: They move the children into their own bedroom on the other side of the house, wait until the noise stops (around midnight), and then transfer the children back to their own rooms. Then they go to bed much past their own usual bedtime. They quietly curse the teenager and soon become alienated from their neighbors. Aggressive: They call the police and protest that “one of those wild teenagers next door is creating a disturbance.” They demand that the police put a stop to the noise at once. The police do talk with the boy and his parents, who get very angry as a result of their embarrassment about the police visit. They denounce Edmond and Virginia for reporting to the police without speaking to them first and resolve to have nothing further to do with them. Assertive: Edmond goes over to the boy’s house early one evening and tells him that his stereo is keeping the children awake at night.
Edmond suggests they try to work out an arrangement that allows the boy his music but does not disturb the children’s sleep. The boy reluctantly agrees to set a lower volume during the late hours, but he appreciates Edmond’s cooperative attitude. Both parties feel good about the outcome and agree to follow up a week later to be sure it is working as agreed.
The Loser Chang is a twenty-two-year-old college dropout who works as a computer game developer. He lives alone in a converted loft not far from his workplace. Chang has had no dates for the past fourteen months. He left college after a series of depressing events — academic failures, rejection by a girlfriend, and some painful harassment by other students in his residence hall. He has been in jail overnight for drunkenness on two recent occasions. Yesterday, Chang received a letter from his mother inquiring about his well-being but primarily devoted to a discussion of his brother’s recent successes. Today, his supervisor criticized him harshly for a mistake that was actually the supervisor’s own fault. A coworker he admires turned down his invitation to dinner. When he arrived at his apartment that evening, feeling particularly depressed, his landlord met him at the door with a tirade about “drunken bums” and a demand that he pay this month’s rent on time. Chang’s response is: Nonassertive: He takes the burden of the landlord’s attack upon himself, feeling added guilt and even greater depression. A sense of helplessness overcomes him. He wonders how his brother can be so successful while he considers himself a nothing. The coworker’s rejection and the boss’s criticism strengthen his opinion that he is worthless. He decides he really has nothing to live for and begins to think about how he might commit suicide.
Aggressive: The landlord has added the final straw to Chang’s burden. He becomes extremely angry and pushes the landlord out of the way in order to get into his room. Once alone, he resolves to “get” the people who have been making his life so miserable recently: the supervisor, the coworker, the landlord, whoever. He remembers the guns he saw in the pawnshop window yesterday. … Assertive: Chang responds firmly to the landlord, noting that he has paid his rent regularly and that it is not due for another week. He reminds the landlord of a broken rail on the stairway and the plumbing repairs that were to have been accomplished weeks earlier. The following morning, after giving his life situation a great deal of thought, Chang calls the local mental health clinic to ask for help. At work, he approaches the supervisor privately and calmly and explains the circ*mstances surrounding the mistake. Though somewhat defensive, the supervisor acknowledges her error and apologizes for her aggressive behavior.
Recognizing Your Own Nonassertive and Aggressive Behavior The examples given in this chapter help to point out what assertiveness means in everyday events. Perhaps some of the situations rang a bell in your own life. Take a few minutes to listen honestly to yourself describe your relationships with others who are important to you. Carefully examine your contacts with parents, peers, coworkers, romantic partners, classmates, children, bosses, teachers, salespeople, neighbors, and relatives. Is one of you usually in charge in these relationships? Are you easily taken advantage of in dealings with others? Do you usually express your feelings and ideas openly? Do you take advantage of or hurt others frequently? Can you get your needs met and still be kind? Your responses to such questions provide hints that may lead you to explore in greater depth your assertive, nonassertive, or aggressive behavior. If you did not complete the Assertiveness Inventory in chapter 2, we urge you to do so now. We think you’ll find such a self-examination a rewarding and very important step toward increasing your interpersonal effectiveness.
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Chapter 7
Set Goals for Yourself Never play another person’s game. Play your own. — Andrew Salter
A professor we admired used to tell his graduate students that changing yourself is like planning a trip: you have to find out where you are now, decide where you want to go, then figure out how to get there from here. Much of the material in this book so far has been devoted to helping you find out where you are now in relation to assertiveness. In the following chapters, we’ll be focusing on ways to “get there.” This chapter is the bridge — to help you decide where you’re headed. Identifying your needs and setting your goals may be the most important and most difficult steps of all.
“How Do I Know What I Want or Need?” Assertiveness training evolved out of the idea that people live better lives if they can express what they want or need, if they can let others know how they would like to be treated. Some folks, however, find it hard to know what they really want from a relationship. If you have spent most of your life doing for others and believing that your needs are not important, it can be quite a chore to get a handle on just what is important to you! Some people do seem to know exactly how they feel and what they want. If the neighbor’s dog is barking loudly, the feeling aroused in them may be annoyance or anger or fear. These folks are able to translate the feeling, get to the key issue at hand, and make the needed assertions, if any. Others find it difficult to know what their feelings are and what they want to accomplish in an encounter. They often hesitate to be assertive, lamenting, “Assert what? I don’t know what I want!” If you have such trouble, you may find it valuable to try to label your feelings. There are dozens of feelings we humans experience, of course. Anger, anxiety, boredom, discomfort, and fear are common ones. A few more that show up frequently are happiness, irritation, love, relaxation, and sadness. Some of us need an active first step to get in touch with our feelings. When you don’t recognize what you’re feeling or what you need in a situation, it often helps to say something to the people involved: “I’m upset, but I’m not sure why.” Or perhaps, “I’m feeling depressed” or “Something feels wrong, but I can’t put my finger on it.” Such a statement will start you on an active search for the feeling you’re sensing and will help you begin to clarify your needs and goals. Perhaps it is a fear of some sort that is preventing you from recognizing your feelings — a type of protective mechanism. Or you may just be so far out of touch with your feelings that you have virtually forgotten what they mean. Don’t get bogged down at this stage. Go ahead and try to express yourself. You will probably become aware of your goal even as you proceed. Indeed, maybe all you wanted was to say something! If you do begin to recognize the underlying feeling and decide to change directions midstream (“I started out angry but realized that what I really wanted was attention!”), that is a constructive step.
You can go a long way toward clarifying your feelings in a specific situation by identifying your general life goals. Assertiveness does need direction; while it seems to be a good idea in general, it is of little value for its own sake.
“Hello, Needs? It’s Me, Tim Id.” Ignoring their needs is one of the many ways people fail to care for themselves. Pleasing others and denying themselves are common choices for such individuals. Maybe you’re one of them? Most are not consciously aware of their needs, so they find it difficult to express them in relationships. One of the earliest serious examinations of needs was that done by psychologist Abraham Maslow. If you’ve had a course in general psychology, you’ve probably come across Dr. Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs,” usually depicted in the form of a pyramid consisting of multiple layers, with basic physiological needs as the foundation, then built up in turn through the needs for safety, belongingness and love, esteem, and selfactualization. An excellent contemporary resource for helping us to identify our needs is the work of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who has noted several categories of human needs in his book Nonviolent Communication. Among them are autonomy (choosing your goals, values, and plans), integrity (meaning, selfworth), interdependence (acceptance, closeness, warmth, community), play (fun, laughter), spiritual communion (beauty, harmony, peace), and physical nurturance (air, food, shelter). As you consider and discover your needs that are not being met in a relationship or life situation, it becomes easier to know how to handle it. If a relationship is not providing you the warmth you need, you can decide how to ask for it assertively. If your neighbor’s amplified music or barking dog is denying your needs for rest and peace, you can assertively explain that to the neighbor (rather than just complaining about the noise). You’ll find at times that your needs may be in conflict. You may wish, for example, to keep a friendly relationship with your neighbor but also wish to quiet his noisy dog. If you confront him about the dog, you may risk the good relationship. At such a point, clarification of your own needs and goals — which ones are most important to you — will help you decide what to do and how to do it.
A Behavioral Model for Personal Growth Dr. Carl Rogers is recognized as the most influential psychological thinker of the second half of the twentieth century. His ideas were the major influence in the development of what’s known as the “human potential movement.” The list on the following two pages was prepared in the early 1970s in an attempt to translate Rogers’s ideas into specific behaviors that could be carried out. We think you’ll find it helpful, as you consider goals for your own growth, to read and ponder this “Behavioral Model for Personal Growth.”
Structuring Your Goals Okay, let’s get specific. You want to write in your journal (You are keeping a journal, right?) a few goals that will help guide your work on assertiveness in the weeks to come. Start by thinking creatively about what you want to get out of this program of personal growth. Brainstorm about your assertiveness, writing down anything that comes to mind. Write quickly. Don’t ignore or criticize any idea, no matter how silly it may seem. Be as open-minded as you can. After you have compiled a list of possibilities, you’ll need to pare it down to a short list of specific goals. What should go on that list? Consider six key criteria as you decide: personal factors, ideals, feasibility, flexibility, time, and priorities. Make each of your own goals “qualify” in terms of those six criteria. Personal Factors As you evaluate your specific goals for assertive growth, use your discoveries about yourself from the Assertiveness Inventory in chapter 2 and your journal entries. In chapter 3, “Keep Track of Your Growth,” we suggested that you keep track of your assertiveness using five categories: Situations that are difficult or easy for you Key people in your life Your attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs Your behavior, the skills you possess relating to assertiveness, such as eye contact, voice volume, and gestures (more about these in the next chapter) Obstacles to your assertiveness, such as certain people or fears
Spend some time now reviewing your journal, looking for ideas that will help you to define goals for yourself. You may, for example, find a pattern of difficulty dealing with a coworker who is pushy. Maybe she insists on doing things her way, doesn’t listen to your ideas, and ignores your good suggestions. Your response may be to withdraw, avoiding confrontation by swallowing your disagreement and keeping quiet. You may also be wasting time and energy as you look for ways to stay clear of her and work on your own. Could an assertive approach help you here? Ideals There are probably many people you admire. If you select the qualities of one or more “models” of assertiveness as ideals toward which you can strive, you’ll have some specific behavioral goals already in mind. A wellchosen ideal will inspire you to stick to your goals. A good model may be a best friend, a beloved teacher, a public figure, a community leader, an entertainer or actor, a family member, a clergyperson, a business executive, or someone of historical importance. This person’s behavior can be one basis for your goals.
You can go a long way toward clarifying your feelings in a specific situation by identifying your general life goals.
Focus on the qualities that you want to attain, such as self-confidence, courage, persistence, and honesty. Measure your behavior against the model you have chosen. Think often about the person. Let your reflection on your model’s behavior give you energy to keep at your own process of improvement in assertiveness. Feasibility
As we have suggested at various points in Your Perfect Right, go after your changes in assertive behavior slowly and in small steps to increase your chances of success. Don’t set your goals too high and risk early failure. Instead, do a little each day, advancing step by step. Author-philosopher Morton Hunt illustrates this advice in a poignant way. He tells the story of how he learned to cope with major life stresses through a harrowing experience at age eight. Hunt and several friends climbed a cliff near his home. Halfway up, he got very scared and could go no farther. He was caught: to think of going either up or down overwhelmed him. The others left him behind as darkness approached. Eventually, his father came to the rescue, but Morton had to do the work. His father talked him down, establishing a pattern for him to overcome future fearfulness. The advice was timeless: “take one step at a time,” “go inch by inch,” “don’t worry about what comes next,” “don’t look way ahead.” Later in life, when faced with major fearful events, Hunt remembered those simple lessons: don’t look at the dire consequences; start with the first small step, and let that small success provide the courage to take another and another. The small-step goals will add up until the major goal is accomplished. The suggestions Hunt’s father gave form an excellent approach to growth in assertiveness. Remind yourself to break your major goals into small, manageable steps. Take your time; the end will be in sight soon. You’ll notice changes in yourself. You’ll reach your goals, one step at a time. Flexibility Deciding whether and how you’d like to change can be a complex and never-ending process. Goals are never “set”; they constantly change as you and your life circ*mstances change. Maybe at one time you wanted to finish school, and when you did, a whole new range of possibilities suddenly opened up. Or perhaps you sought to make $50,000 a year, and by the time you reached that level, you needed $100,000! Then there was that promotion; when you got it, you found you didn’t like your new responsibilities as well as your old.
So change itself is the constant factor. Keep your goals flexible enough that you can adapt to the inevitable changes that will come in your life. Time How about listing your goals according to how long it will take to accomplish them? Here are some examples of assertiveness goals:
Long-Range Goals Behave more assertively with my spouse Take more risks in my life Reduce my anxiety about behaving assertively Overcome my fear of conflict and anger
One-Year Goals Compliment those close to me more frequently Speak out in front of groups more often Say no and stick to it Improve my eye contact in conversation Not say “I’m sorry” or “I hate to bother you” so much
One-Month Goals Return the faulty vacuum cleaner to the store Say no to the finder of committee members at work Express my love for my spouse in some way every day Invite my new neighbor over for coffee Start listening to recorded seminars (online or on CDs) about speaking out Customize these lists to your own unique needs — the possibilities are virtually limitless! Priorities After determining and grouping your short-range, mid-range, and longrange goals, further sort each one by priority — identifying each goal as “top drawer,” “middle drawer,” or “bottom drawer,” accordingly: Top-drawer goals are those that are most important. Middle-drawer goals are those that are important but don’t need to be accomplished right away. Bottom-drawer goals can be put off indefinitely without causing great stress. Here’s a sample of what your priority chart could look like:
If you select two top-drawer goals from each of the three lists, you’ll have six top-priority items to work on (or start working on) during a period of one month. Each month you can select a new list. Some goals will stay top drawer, others won’t.
Goal for It! As you’ve worked your way through this chapter, you’ve begun to pay closer attention to your needs and you’ve identified some possible goals for your growth. You’ve also evaluated your goals and begun to sort them according to their importance and feasibility. Select — and write in your journal — a few goals to work on over the next weeks and months. Throw out those that are too far-fetched or out of reach for you at this time. Be practical. Narrow down what your next steps will be in your assertiveness journey. Remember that your choices are always tentative and subject to change with new circ*mstances and information. Stay your course, but remain flexible, making adjustments as needed. Setting goals for your own life can be an exciting process. As you take steps toward each goal, you’ll find a genuine sense of accomplishment in your progress. Pat yourself on the back as you achieve each step. Use your journal regularly to keep track. Most important: let this be for you. Your goals needn’t please anybody else. Pay careful attention to your own needs; play your own game.
Chapter 8
It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It! It takes two to speak truth — one to speak and another to hear. — Henry David Thoreau
Self-expression is a universal human need. The form it takes is unique to each of us, of course. In this chapter, we’ll take a look at the several components of behavior that constitute our individual styles. While individual differences “make the world go round,” each of us can learn the skills necessary for good communication of an assertive message.
“I Never Know What to Say!” Many people view assertiveness as a verbal behavior, believing that they must have “just the right words” to handle a situation effectively. On the contrary, we’ve found that how you express an assertive message is a good deal more important than what you say. Although scripts of “what to say when” are popular with many assertiveness trainers, those have never been our style. We’re primarily concerned with encouraging honesty and directness, and much of that message is communicated nonverbally. Participants in our groups and workshops have enjoyed watching us roleplay a scene that makes this point clear: Bob acts as a dissatisfied customer who wishes to return a defective copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Assertiveness but Were Too Timid to Ask to the bookstore; Mike is the clerk. Using essentially the same words in each scenario — “I bought this book here last week and discovered that twenty pages are missing. I’d like a good copy or my money back” — Bob approaches Mike in three different ways: Nonassertive: Bob walks slowly and hesitantly to the counter. His eyes are downcast, he speaks just above a whisper, and his face looks as though it belongs on the cover of the book. He has a tight grip on the book and a “please don’t hurt me” posture. Aggressive: Bob swaggers toward the counter, glares at Mike, and addresses him in a voice heard all over the store. Bob’s posture and fistlike gestures are an obvious attempt to intimidate the clerk. Assertive: Bob walks up to the counter facing Mike. He stands relaxed and erect, smiles, and looks directly at Mike with a friendly expression. In a conversational volume and tone of voice, he states the message, gesturing to point out the flaw in the book. The three styles are exaggerated in this demonstration, of course, but the point is clear. The nonassertive, self-defeating style says to Mike that this customer is a pushover and the slightest resistance will cause him to give up and go away. The second approach may achieve the goal of refund or
exchange, but the aggressive Bob will leave with Mike’s hostility directed at his back! With the assertive approach, Bob gets what he came for, and Mike feels good about solving a problem for an appreciative customer.
The Components of Assertive Behavior Systematic observations of assertive behavior have led behavioral scientists to conclude that there are several important components that contribute to an assertive act. The late Michael Serber, MD, a California psychiatrist who did extensive work with assertiveness training in the 1960s and 1970s, significantly influenced our thinking in this area. More recently, the work of psychologist Paul Ekman and his colleagues at the University of California, Berkeley, has confirmed much of what Serber and others posited long ago: the words may be even less important than the nonverbal components. It should be noted that most of the research in this field has been done with North Americans of European ancestry. Ethnic and cultural considerations are very important influences on the components described in this chapter. We urge you to reread the discussion of cultural factors in chapter 4 and to be aware of cultural dimensions as you study these aspects of behavior. With that caveat in mind, let’s examine the key components of assertive behavior in detail. You’ll notice, as you read this chapter, that we really believe that “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” Eye Contact
There are several important components that contribute to an assertive act.
One of the most obvious aspects of behavior when talking to another person is where you look. In general, if you look directly at the person as you speak, it helps to communicate your sincerity and to increase the directness of your message. If you look down or away much of the time, you
present a lack of confidence or deference to the other person. If you stare too intently, the other person may feel an uncomfortable invasion. We do not suggest that you maximize eye contact. Continuously looking at someone can make the other person uncomfortable, is inappropriate and unnecessary, and may appear to be a game. Moreover, eye contact is a cultural variable; many cultural groups limit the amount of eye contact that is acceptable, particularly between age groups or members of the opposite sex. Nevertheless, the importance of eye contact is obvious. A relaxed and steady gaze at the other, looking away occasionally as is comfortable, helps to make conversation more personal, to show interest in and respect for the other person, and to enhance the directness of your message. As is true of other behaviors, eye contact can be improved by making a conscious effort in small steps. Be aware of your eyes as you talk with others and attempt to gradually optimize your eye attention in conversation. Body Posture As you watch other people talking with each other, carefully observe how each is standing or sitting. You may be amazed by the number of people who talk with someone while their bodies are turned away from that person. People sitting side by side often turn only their heads toward each other while talking. Next time you are in that situation, notice how much more personal the conversation becomes with a slight turn of the shoulders and torso — say, 30 degrees — toward the other person. Standing or sitting may emphasize relative “power” in an encounter. A particularly evident power imbalance may be seen in the relationship between a tall adult and a small child; the adult who is thoughtful enough to bend or crouch to the child’s height will find an observable difference in the quality of communication and usually a much more responsive child. In a situation in which you are called upon to stand up for yourself, it may be useful to do just that — stand up. An active and erect posture, while facing the other person directly, lends additional assertiveness to your message. A slumped, passive stance gives the other person an immediate advantage, as does any tendency on your part to lean back or move away.
(You’ll recall Bob’s first approach to the bookstore clerk earlier in this chapter.) Distance/Physical Contact An interesting aspect of cross-cultural research into nonverbal communication is that of distance versus closeness between people in conversation. As a very broad generalization, it has been said that, among European peoples, the farther north one goes, the farther apart individuals stand when engaged in conversation. In the United States, as in Europe, closeness seems to increase in warmer climates; but there are important exceptions, notably among ethnic subcultures that value closeness and contact differently. Closeness is, of course, not necessarily related to temperature. Cultural and social customs are products of very complex historical factors. In the Arab world, for example, it is customary for men to greet one another with a hug and kiss and to stand very close to one another. Interestingly, however, it would be considered extremely inappropriate for an Arab man to behave toward a woman in this way, yet that is quite common in the United States and southern Europe. Distance from another person does have a considerable effect upon communication. Standing or sitting very close, or touching, suggests intimacy in a relationship, unless the people happen to be in a crowd or very cramped quarters. The typical discomfort of elevator passengers is a classic example of the difficulty we have dealing with closeness. Coming too close may offend the other person, make her or him defensive, or open the door to greater intimacy. It can be worthwhile to check out verbally how the other person feels about your closeness. Gestures Accentuating your message with appropriate gestures can add emphasis, openness, and warmth. Bob Alberti traces his enthusiastic use of gestures in conversation to his Italian heritage. While gesturing is indeed a somewhat culturally related behavior, a relaxed use of gestures can add depth or power to your messages. Uninhibited movement can also suggest openness, selfconfidence (unless the gesturing is erratic and nervous), and spontaneity on the part of the speaker.
Facial Expression Ever see someone trying to express anger while smiling or laughing? It just doesn’t come across. Effective assertions require an expression that agrees with the message. An angry message is clearest when delivered with a straight, unsmiling countenance. A friendly communication should not be delivered with a dark frown. Let your face say the same thing your words are saying! Paul Ekman, author of Emotions Revealed, has published extensively on the subject of how important facial expression is to interpersonal communication. Dr. Ekman and his colleagues developed the Facial Action Coding System, a tool for actually measuring muscular movements in the face and relating those movements to emotions. Ekman’s research shows that people can easily learn to read the subtle facial movements of others and thus be more sensitive to the emotions they’re expressing. Moreover, you may be able to begin to control your own facial expressions so they more accurately reflect your feelings or, if you prefer, hide them. If you look at yourself in the mirror, you can learn a great deal about what your face says on your behalf. First, relax all the muscles of your face as much as you can. Let go of your expression, relax the muscles around your mouth, let your jaw go loose, and let your cheeks soften along with the wrinkles of your forehead and around your eyes. Pay careful attention to the relaxed, soft feelings. Now smile, bringing your mouth up as far as you can. Feel the tightness in your cheeks, around your eyes, and all the way up to your ears. Hold that smile, look at the expression in the mirror, and concentrate on the feelings of tightness. Now relax your face completely again. Notice the difference between the relaxed feelings and those of the tight smile, as well as the difference between the expressions you see in the mirror. (You could try this with a series of selfies also.) With greater awareness of how your facial muscles feel in various expressions and how you look when you smile and when you are relaxed, you can begin to control your facial expression more consciously and to make it congruent with what you are thinking, feeling, or saying. You may also develop a more natural, less “plastic” smile for those times when you really want your happiness to show! Voice Tone, Inflection, and Volume
The way we use our voices is a vital element in our communications. The same words spoken through clenched teeth in anger offer an entirely different message than when they are shouted with joy or whispered in fear. A level, well-modulated, conversational statement is convincing without being intimidating; a whispered monotone will seldom convince another person that you mean business; and a shouted epithet will bring defenses into the path of communication. Voice is one of the easiest behavioral components to gain accurate feedback on these days. Most everyone has easy access to a small voice recorder that can be used to “try out” different styles of your voice. Your smart phone can serve the purpose as well. You may wish to experiment with a conversational tone, an angry shouted blast, a caring message, and a persuasive argument. You may be surprised at how quiet your “shouts” are or at how loud your “conversational tone” is. Consider at least three dimensions of your voice: Tone: Is it raspy, whiny, seductively soft, angry? Inflection: Do you emphasize certain syllables, as in a question, or speak in a monotone or with “singsong” effect? Volume: Do you try to gain attention with a whisper or to overpower others with loudness, or is it very difficult for you to shout even when you want to? If you can control and use your voice effectively, you have acquired a powerful tool in your self-expression. Practice with a recorder, trying out different styles until you achieve a style you like. Allow time for changes to come and use the recording device regularly to check your progress. Fluency Psychiatrist Michael Serber employed an exercise he called “sell me something,” in which he asked the client to talk persuasively about an object, such as a watch, for thirty seconds. For many people, it is very difficult to put together a string of words lasting thirty seconds.
A smooth flow of speech is a valuable asset to get your point across in any type of conversation. It is not necessary to talk rapidly for a long period; but if your speech is interrupted with long periods of hesitation, your listeners may get bored and will probably recognize that you are very unsure of yourself. Clear and slow comments are more easily understood and more powerful than rapid speech that is erratic and filled with long pauses and stammering. Once again, a recorder is a valuable tool. Use the device to practice by talking on a familiar subject for thirty seconds. Then listen to yourself, noticing pauses of three seconds or more and space fillers such as “uh” and “you know.” Repeat the same exercise, more slowly if necessary, trying to eliminate any significant pauses. Gradually increase the difficulty of the task by dealing with less familiar topics, trying to be persuasive, pretending to respond in an argument, or working with a friend to keep a genuine dialogue going. The program of Toastmasters International offers a unique opportunity for practice with feedback from a supportive audience. You may want to check out a branch in your community (see http://www.toastmasters.org). Timing In general, we urge spontaneity of expression as a goal. Nevertheless, while hesitation may diminish the effectiveness of your assertions, it is never “too late” to be assertive! Even though the ideal moment has passed, you will often find it worthwhile to go to the person at a later time and express your feelings. Psychologists have even developed special techniques to help individuals express strong emotions toward those who may have died (such as parents) before the feelings could be expressed. Spontaneous assertion will help keep your life clear and will help you to focus accurately on the feelings you have at the time. At times, however, it is necessary to choose an occasion to discuss a strong feeling. It is not a good idea to confront someone in front of others, for example, because extra defenses are sure to be present under those conditions. If you must “let it all hang out,” find a private place and time to do so. Listening
This component is perhaps the most difficult both to describe and to change, yet it may well be the most important. Assertive listening involves an active commitment to the other person. It requires your full attention, yet it calls for no overt action on your part, although eye contact and certain gestures — such as nodding — are often appropriate. Listening demonstrates your respect for the other person. It is not a nonassertive act; rather, it requires that you avoid expressing yourself for a time, putting your own needs on hold as you listen. Listening is not simply the physical response of hearing sounds — indeed, hearing-impaired people may be excellent “listeners.” Effective listening may involve giving feedback to the other person, so that it is clear that you understood what was said. Assertive listening requires at least these elements: Tuning in to the other person by stopping other activities and ignoring other distractions: putting your own needs on hold — turning off the TV, computer, or iPod — and focusing your energy in his or her direction Paying attention to the message by making eye contact if possible, nodding to show that you hear, and perhaps touching her or him Actively attempting to understand before responding by asking for clarification if you need it, thinking about the underlying message — the feelings behind the words — and not interpreting or coming up with an “answer” Offering sensitive and empathic feedback to show that you’ve heard and understood Assertiveness includes respect for the rights and feelings of others. That means assertive receiving — sensitivity to others — as well as assertive sending. As with other components of assertive behavior, listening is a skill that can be learned. It is hard work, takes patience, and requires other people willing to work with you. Try to hook up with a “practice partner,” taking turns listening to each other and sharpening each other’s listening skills. Practice accurate paraphrasing of each other’s communications (“It sounds
as if you’re saying…”), refining your paraphrases until the partner agrees you’ve got it right. It will strengthen your capacity to listen. Good listening will make all of your assertions more effective and will contribute much to the quality of your relationships. Thoughts Another component of assertiveness that escapes direct observation is the thinking process: attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs influence behavior. The late psychologist Albert Ellis of New York City, psychologist Donald Meichenbaum of Ontario, Canada, and psychiatrists Aaron Beck of Philadelphia and David Burns of the University of Pennsylvania have been particularly influential in focusing attention on the cognitive dimensions of behavior. Ellis, for example, reduced the process to a simple ABC progression: (A) an event takes place; (B) a person sees and interprets it internally; and (C) the person reacts in some way. Part B — the perception and thought process — was often ignored in the past. Ellis simplifies it this way: “What troubles us in life is not what happens to us, but how we react to what happens.” The work of Meichenbaum, Beck, and Burns, together with that of others in the field of cognitive behavioral therapy — much of it built upon Ellis’s early work — has produced a variety of specific procedures for developing assertive thinking. Thus you can now work on your thoughts as well as your eye contact, posture, and gestures. Thinking, of course, is arguably the most complex thing we humans do. As you might imagine, procedures for changing our thoughts and attitudes are very complex also. We will discuss this area more in chapter 10, but for now, consider two aspects of your assertive thinking: (1) your attitudes about whether it is a good idea in general for people to be assertive; and (2) your thoughts about yourself when you are in a situation that calls for assertive action. Some people, for instance, think it is not a good idea for anybody to express himself or herself. And some think it’s okay for others, but not for themselves. If either of these beliefs rings a bell with you, we want you to pay particular attention to chapter 10 and work on thinking assertively. Persistence
As you may recall, we opened chapter 5 with a brief story about the Senior Gleaners of Northern California and their founder, Homer Fahrner. Remember Fahrner’s comment about being persistent in the face of rejection? “I’m saying first, right out, when the crops grow, go out and see those people and persist. Because one turns you down, maybe he’s got a good reason. Go on, go on, go on.” Indeed, persistence — going on — is a key element in assertive selfexpression. Not giving up. Not saying, “Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Not concluding that you’re not worth it. Because you are worth it, and there very likely is something you can do about it. Many of the procedures we’ve described in Your Perfect Right may be effective immediately. Speaking up clearly with good eye contact and posture appropriate to your message may get you what you’re asking for: a raise, prompt service, a refund, less noise from the neighbors. But some situations require a longer-term effort. You may need to, as Mr. Fahrner put it, “go on, go on, go on.” That doesn’t mean, incidentally, using some variation of the oncepopular “broken record” approach, in which you’re advised simply to repeat the language of your request over and over. We don’t consider that to be effective or appropriate. In fact, it’s likely to get doors slammed in your face. When we encourage “persistence,” we mean something more akin to Alan Alda’s advice to his daughter: “Be fair with others, and keep after them until they’re fair with you.” Keep on keeping on. Dr. Dalton Kehoe, of York University in Toronto, puts it this way in his video course Effective Communication: Ask for the change you want. Acknowledge the other’s response. Ask again. Acknowledge the other’s “truth” (“I understand how you could feel that way”). Persistence. To get the city to fix that major pothole on your street may require repeated visits to the public works office, perhaps visits to the city manager, and maybe even an appearance before the city council. Persistence. To get your boss to address an issue of harassment or discriminatory compensation or an unsafe working environment may mean repeated visits to the HR department, speaking up at company meetings, private conversations in his office, or a complaint to your union representatives. Persistence.
To get your “lemon” repaired properly — or replaced — may mean speaking with the dealership service manager, the general manager, the owner, the manufacturer’s district representative, the manufacturer’s public relations department, a vice president or the president of the company, or a public consumer advocate (such as a state official or a TV, magazine, or newspaper personality). Persistence. To get the attention of the VA or Congress to improve the mental health care available to returning war veterans who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder may mean letters, petitions, visits to the district office, visits to Washington, even marches in the streets. Persistence. All of the components of assertive behavior described here — direct language, eye contact, posture, gestures, voice qualities, and others — apply to such situations, of course. The element of persistence simply means applying them again, and again, and again, as needed. Content We save this obvious dimension of assertiveness for last to emphasize that although what you say is clearly important, it is often less important than most people generally believe. Many people hesitate because they don’t know what to say. Others have found the practice of saying something about their feelings at the time to be a valuable step. We encourage honest and spontaneous expression. That means saying forcefully, “I’m really upset about what you just did!” rather than, “You’re an S.O.B.!” Verbal skills are usually developed to deal with such issues as saying no, standing up for rights, expressing warm and caring feelings, voicing anger, admitting anxiety, dealing with difficult people, responding to criticism, managing on-the-job relationships, setting limits, questioning authority, and persisting in the face of obstacles and other situations that place some emphasis on the content. That said, let’s take a closer look at some effective ways to “slice and dice” the content of an assertive message. I-messages. We encourage you to express yourself and to take responsibility for your feelings — not to blame the other person for how you feel. Note the difference in the above example between “I’m upset” and “You’re an S.O.B.” It is not necessary to put the other person down (aggressive) in order to
express your feeling (assertive). Use I-messages to express your own feelings, rather than passing responsibility for how you feel to someone else. Your feelings are yours, and it’s okay to say so. Expressing your feeling in the form of an I-message was the brainchild of Dr. Thomas Gordon, a California psychologist and author of the best seller Parent Effectiveness Training (which, incidentally, was published the same year as the first edition of Your Perfect Right, 1970). Dr. Gordon offered the idea in the context of parent-child communication, but it quickly found a home in all venues of interpersonal contact. The idea is simply to let the other person know how you are feeling about his or her behavior. The other interprets an I-message as a statement of how you are feeling, not as an accusation or evaluation of her or him. Thus, once again, “I’m upset” is a clearer and more effective message than “You’re an S.O.B.” Likewise, “I’m hurt” is more honest than “You’re unfair.” Dr. Gordon, incidentally, didn’t like the idea of expressing anger as an Imessage, believing that it contained a hidden you-message: implicitly blaming the other person for your anger. We don’t agree, but we do recognize the potential value of clarifying your statement by spelling it out more fully: “I’m upset about what you just did because I feel disrespected when I’m criticized in front of others.” Categories. Psychologists Myles Cooley and James Hollandsworth developed another model for assertive statements. They grouped seven elements into three general categories: Saying no or taking a stand includes stating your position, explaining your reason, and expressing understanding. Asking favors or asserting rights may be expressed by stating the problem, making a request, and getting clarification. Expressing feelings is accomplished by a statement of your emotions in a situation. (You may find it valuable to practice each of these categories of statements with your practice partner or by speaking into a recorder.)
Syntonics. You can best achieve your goals in communication by being in “syntony” — harmony — with the other person linguistically. Linguist Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a popular series of books on syntonics — The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense and its sequels — in which she compares effective interpersonal communication to tuning a musical instrument. You have a standard to work toward (an electronic tuner, for instance), and you must gradually adjust your pitch to equal that of the standard. Likewise in communicating, your words and your nonverbal style can be fine-tuned until they match well with those of your listener. One of the techniques of syntonics involves adjusting to the other person’s sensory preference: seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting. Thus, one person may say, “I see what you mean,” while another means exactly the same thing when she says, “I hear you.” (You’ll recognize the parallels here to our earlier discussion of so-called mirror neurons in the human brain. We are hardwired to mimic the feelings expressed by others as we interact.) The idea is to help us learn to “read” our audiences and to communicate verbally and nonverbally in ways that will encourage them to respond positively to our messages. Used carefully and ethically, such procedures can be valuable tools in improved communication. (Needless to say, there is plenty of room for abuse here.) Target Audience. One further word about content. Psychologist Donald Cheek, a neighbor and former university faculty colleague of ours, writing about assertiveness from an African American perspective, points out the need to adapt assertiveness to your cultural setting. Particularly for minorities who may find themselves in “survival” situations, Cheek emphasizes that what you say must take into consideration to whom you are saying it. So language that would be interpreted as assertive within one’s own subculture could easily be interpreted as aggressive by “outsiders.” The issue is remarkably complex, however. For example, cross-cultural research on facial expression (recall our earlier discussion of Paul Ekman’s work) suggests that different aspects of
expression are both universal and culture-specific. Individual differences may be greater than differences among cultural groups. We do not advise that you change yourself to adapt to whatever any given situation seems to invite. Nevertheless, all of us do deal with individuals differently, depending on our respective roles and the perceived “power” of others over us. We hope you can be yourself; honesty remains the best overall guide.
What you say must take into consideration to whom you are saying it.
Assertiveness doesn’t depend upon being highly verbal, but some folks are concerned about finding the “right words.” We don’t recommend particular formulas or scripts for assertive expression because we’d rather see you use your own language. We hope it’s clear by now that the style of your delivery is more important than the words anyway. It’s surprising how often clients tell us very clearly how they feel about a particular situation and then ask, “What shall I say to the person?” Our answer is usually: “Say the same thing you just said to me!” You very likely have the “right words” without knowing it. Don’t misunderstand us here; content is not unimportant. It’s just not usually the content that hangs people up. It is anxiety, lack of skills, or the belief that “I don’t have the right to…” You can imagine a wide variety of situations that show the importance of how you make yourself heard. The time you spend thinking about “just the right words” would be better spent making those assertions! The ultimate goal is to express yourself — honestly and as spontaneously as the situation allows — in a manner right for you. And finally, store this thought about content: it’s not all about you. Showing interest in and concern for another person is as important as anything you can do to assert yourself.
Check Out Your “Component Competence” We hope this chapter has caused you to think more systematically about your own self-expression and to formulate some goals for your own work in assertiveness. To improve your familiarity with the components and to relate each one more directly to yourself, we suggest you take a few minutes right now to assess your own strengths with a short exercise. Create a chart for yourself, such as the one on the following pages. Or, if you prefer, you can simply photocopy ours. Now use the chart to rate yourself on each component by placing marks on the lines in accordance with how well satisfied you are with your skills in each area. You may, for example, feel “okay” about your level of eye contact and the appropriateness of your facial expression in most situations but feel your use of gestures and your voice need some work. If you really have a “way with words,” you may consider your content to be “excellent.” Take enough time to reread the descriptions of the components in this chapter and to give yourself a thorough evaluation. Be sure to record this effort in your journal. Such a brief self-assessment is necessarily imprecise and requires you to make a “global” evaluation of your skills. (Remember that assertiveness varies with situations and people.) Nevertheless, we believe you will benefit by giving yourself this benchmark, then referring back to it in the weeks ahead — perhaps repeating the exercise and recording it in your journal from time to time — as you progress in developing greater skills in assertiveness.
Chapter 9
Assertive Messages — Twenty-FirstCentury Style The effect on language of the electronic age is obvious to us all, even though the process has only just begun, and its ultimate impact is as yet unimaginable. — Lynne Truss
Almost all of the ideas we’ve discussed so far pretty much assume that you’re face-to-face with the other person: spouses, family members, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, strangers, teachers, or salesclerks. We’ve emphasized the importance of nonverbal components of behavior (eye contact, posture, gestures, facial expression, and so on) in getting your message across. Yet, the reality of connecting with others in the twenty-first century is that much of our contact is at a distance, not in person. Digital devices — cell phones, tablets, computers, iPads, Bluetooth — have virtually redefined the concept of interpersonal communication. We talk on a mobile phone, send e-mails and messages, comment, tweet, post photos, upload notes to interactive blogs. We’re connected via Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, Pinterest, Tumblr, LinkedIn, Skype, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Google Plus, Periscope, Meerkat, Slack, FireChat, imo, KaKao Talk, WeChat…and who knows what else by the time you read this. Much of this communication is private or anonymous, but a great deal is very open; we’ve come to enjoy telling the world about ourselves. And even when we are face-to-face, many of us avoid contact. Stroll downtown or through a shopping mall; walk across a contemporary college campus; sit for a while in a restaurant or in the library. Doesn’t it seem that every other person is talking to someone somewhere else via cell phone or thumbing a text or tweet? Seems hardly anyone actually looks at the people around them or makes eye contact anymore. Indeed, there is evidence
reported in the literature of psychology that suggests we may be losing some of our ability to communicate in person, at least in part due to our reliance on high-tech devices. It’s common to see youngsters in the same room “talking” to one another via text or some other online medium. What are the implications of assertiveness for the many ways people connect today?
How Will You Send It? Actually, there seems to be no end to the variety of methods for delivering your assertive messages. The means you choose will depend upon your target audience, the nature of your message, your time frame, and other variables. Are you addressing a loved one or friend, someone you see regularly, someone you see rarely or never, an online friend or colleague, or an organization or institution? The closer your relationship, the more important your method will be. What’s the nature of your message? Are you reaching out to a loved one, friend, or family member? Are you expressing your anger at mistreatment as a customer? Do you have a political viewpoint to deliver? Saying “I miss you” demands a much more personal method than saying, “We object to the way you treat employees!” Immediacy matters also. Are you face-to-face right now? Will you see the person later today? Is the target of your assertive message far away, reachable only by a long-distance method? The number of possibilities for contact at a distance is mind-boggling, and they’re not all high-tech or even new. Let’s not ignore the “old-time” systems such as letters, notes, letters to the editor, newspaper ads, speeches or lectures, call-in radio shows, landline phone calls, billboards, public events, radio spots, public service announcements, picket signs, protest marches, press releases, and skywriting (Don’t laugh; marriages have been proposed in the sky!). Some of these approaches are more obvious than others, and it’s not our purpose here to give you a detailed guide to all the possibilities. It’s evident that many of the components of behavior we’ve discussed are not available to us when we’re talking on the phone, typing an e-mail, or tapping out a text message. Eye contact, posture, and gestures are no longer relevant. Facial expression matters on YouTube, but not in a letter.
But wait! Turns out that posture may be more relevant than we thought. A recent study at Harvard Business School, reported in the New York Times, suggests that the slouchy posture many of us adopt while talking or messaging on our cells may lead us to be less assertive, less likely to stand up for ourselves!
Assertiveness Counts We hope that by now you’ll agree that assertiveness has a place in all forms of self-expression. How we express ourselves remains the key, so we can address ways one might apply the principles you’re learning in this book to your communication with others via one or more of the many venues — including the newer technological systems — for connecting. Regardless of the system of communication you’re using — face-to-face, digital, written, phone — there are some pretty basic guidelines for dealing assertively in your interaction with others. You may not be able to express yourself remotely via eye contact, posture, facial expression, or gestures, but you can “make yourself heard” effectively by whatever means are available to you. Our take on assertive communication at a distance begins with the key qualities of assertive behavior we listed in chapter 5: assertiveness — either face-to-face or from afar — is self-expressive, respectful, honest, direct and firm, equalizing, both verbal (content) and nonverbal (style), positive at times (affection, praise) and negative at times (anger, criticism), appropriate for the person and situation, socially responsible, both learned and hardwired, and persistent when it needs to be. And don’t forget the basics we’ve discussed in previous chapters. That said, what’s unique about assertive communication at a distance?
Phone Messages Voice tone, inflection, and volume really matter here. Remember that a smile — or a scowl — on your face will be heard in your voice. Fluency really counts also. Don’t say it on the phone if you wouldn’t say it in person. Start and continue very personal cell phone conversations in private. Avoid public places where others can’t help overhearing you. Consider very carefully the messages you leave on voice mail and answering machines. Keep your tone friendly — even if you’re calling to complain or argue — especially if you want the other person to call you back!
Written Messages — Online or Snail Mail Think hard about how your message will come across to the other person before you write. If you’re misunderstood, you won’t be present to explain. Ask questions and invite responses to engage the other person in dialogue. Remember that what you write down will always be available for others to read. Exercise some judgment. If you are unsure how your written message might come across and it’s not too private to share, having a friend or colleague read it first to judge the tone before you send it can be a helpful yardstick. Don’t say it online or in a letter if you wouldn’t say it in person. If you must criticize or disagree with another’s messages or posts, do so privately and directly to that individual, just as you would in person. At least for the first round! Respect others’ privacy. Don’t forward private messages. When you’re having a two-way conversation, don’t “cc” others. Use “Reply All” in e-mail very sparingly! Set your e-mail preferences not to send your messages immediately. Always give yourself a chance to read it over one more time before you send. Check your in-box one more time before you send to be sure you haven’t received a clarification, apology, or revocation e-mail. Use *symbols*, boldface, underlining, italics, ALL CAPS, and emojis or emoticons to indicate emphasis or emotional tone, but use them sparingly. For instance, use all caps only to emphasize a word or two. A friend told us, “A committee member I correspond with via
e-mail writes in all caps, and I always feel as if she is YELLING AT ME!” Use abbvtns vy cautiously if U R xprssng emotions. They may ezly B msundrstd. When you’re reading a message you’ve received, keep in mind that some people don’t express themselves well in writing. A typed message can sound stilted or even harsh. Don’t take it personally until you check it out. Take a look at David Shipley and Will Schwalbe’s book Send for more tips on making your online communications more effective. Tools for Self-Expression Online I: Emoticons and Emojis. An emoticon is an icon typed in text to express an emotion, hence the term emot(ion)icon. The resulting characters, read sideways, look a bit like the expression on a human face. Professor Scott Fahlman of Carnegie Mellon University takes credit for this innovative form of digital communication, which he says he first sent in 1982. Here are a few of the common ones you may have seen or may want to consider inserting in your own messages:
There are dozens more in common usage. And you may find creative symbols to express other feelings such as fear, excitement, exhaustion, affection, and assertiveness. “Emoticons,” said the late professor Clifford Nass of Stanford University, “reflect the likely original purpose of language — to enable people to express emotion.” They are a handy, though imperfect, substitute for tone of voice and other nonverbal components in the digital environment. And some folks sketch them in handwritten communications also. Emojis, though similar to emoticons, are actual pictures — usually cartoon-style — not typographic characters. They are unique to particular apps, so to complicate matters further, Facebook, Twitter, Google, and other applications each have their own emojis that may not be supported by another system’s software. If you include an Apple emoji in your iPad text, your friend’s Android may not display it accurately, if at all.
Tools for Self-Expression Online (or Offline) II: Write Clearly. Yeah, okay, we know. Writing style and grammar are boring. You just want to say it, right? Sure, but don’t you also want the other person to get it? We heard recently from a high school senior who nearly lost a friend thanks to an e-mail exchange that went astray: “I had someone get very upset at me because they thought I was being sarcastic on a topic I was totally serious about. So, when in doubt, or if you think there could be a doubt, be sure to clarify.” Sound advice, in our view. Eats, Shoots & Leaves became a best seller in the United States and the United Kingdom, despite the fact that it’s a book about punctuation! Author Lynne Truss used the catchy title to emphasize the importance of the lowly comma, in this case, to describe the feeding habits of the giant panda. (These bears don’t really shoot after they eat, do they?) Truss points out the problem of clarifying one’s intent: [H]ow often do you hear people complain that emails subtract the tone of voice; that it’s hard to tell if someone is joking or not?… Which is why, of course, people use so many dashes and italics and capitals (“I AM joking!”) to compensate. That’s why they came up with the emoticon, too — the emoticon being the greatest (or most desperate) advance in punctuation since the question mark in the reign of Charlemagne. To further spell out the point, Truss offers the following example: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.” “A woman: without her, man is nothing.” As you see, we ignore punctuation at our peril! Tools for Self-Expression Online III: Shorthand. Text messaging and instant messaging, as well as e-mail, have spawned a whole new shorthand language to speed up communication. Once again, we caution that the farther you go from plain language, the more likely it is you’ll be misunderstood. With that caveat, here are some of the shorthand items in common usage in online communications:
Children Online If you have children living at home, you know how wedded the upcoming generation is to cybercommunications. All of the media systems mentioned above — cell phones, iPads, text messaging, online posts, blogs, and so forth — are heavily used by youngsters. Indeed, most people over forty have probably been taught how to use all the newfangled devices by those under eighteen (or maybe under twelve!). And those youngsters have never known life without them. One issue that deserves attention in our conversation about assertiveness in “long-distance” communications is that of safety. Particularly for young people, the hazards of contact with strangers in cyberspace are very real. Cautious child-safety monitors have even come up with a name for these hazards: “the 4Ps.” They are privacy, predators, p*rnography, and pop-ups. Simply stated, it is critical that you prepare your children to deal with these online and telephone issues, just as you would instruct them to handle the situations in person. Don’t settle for a simplistic “Don’t talk to strangers.” You’ll need to get specific about some of the things they’re likely to encounter and how you want them to respond. For instance, what about a “friend” who responds to a Pinterest or Twitter post, begins a friendly correspondence, and then asks for personal information or a face-to-face meeting? What about someone who wants a home address so they can send a “gift” or birthday card? (Hint: the answer is a two-letter word beginning with “n.”) And it’s not only strangers who are problems in cyberspace. Not all the bullies are hanging out on the way home from school anymore; some are waiting at their computers to intimidate and humiliate your kids. One recent estimate is that about 40 percent of teens experience some form of “cyberbullying” in any year. Offensive text messages, nasty comments posted on Tumblr or other online sites, rumors spread on a community or school website, and other forms of harassment are common, and they’re at least as painful for the teen as personal attacks at school. How to handle the bullies? Just as you would in person: ignore them as much as possible; stand up to them assertively when you must; report them to authorities (for online bullies, that may mean contacting the site or
internet service provider); and take the initiative by letting those who matter to you know the real story. The best advice we’ve heard to help kids handle online intrusions boils down to this: Online contacts stay online. Never give out your last name, home address or telephone number, name of your school or parents’ workplaces, or any other personal information online. Remember that adults can pose as children online. You may be talking to a forty-year-old, not a fourteen-year-old — never mind what he or she says. It’s always okay to say no or “no thanks.” Never respond to online pop-up ads or invitations. Use your assertiveness skills with online contacts just as you would in person: say no, play your own game, and protect yourself and your family’s privacy. Keep in mind the guidelines for assertive communication outlined above and elsewhere in this book. For more suggestions about protecting your children online, visit the websites of the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Education Association, and the US Federal Trade Commission (see the list of online resources at the back of this book). In this chapter, we’ve followed a path off the main road to explore the newer tools for communication because we think it’s important not to lose the message in the medium. Regardless of the venue that you use to assert yourself, we don’t want you to forget that the bottom line is to express yourself while respecting the other person. (And don’t forget to program your robot to do the same!) So — unless you’re driving — keep in touch by cell or Bluetooth or landline, text or voice, letter or blog, gram or tweet, desktop or laptop or
tablet or smart phone, but be sure that your message is clear and heard in the way you mean it and that it shows respect for the other person while you attempt to achieve your goals and needs. And accept no less from those who would make contact with you.
Chapter 10
Thinking Assertively If a person continues to see only giants, it means he is still looking at the world through the eyes of a child. — Anaïs Nin
“Okay,” you say, “maybe I’m not as assertive as I’d like to be. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. That’s just the way I am. I can’t change it.” We don’t agree. Becoming more assertive is a learning process, and it takes longer for some of us, but you can master the process and the rewards can be great. Right thinking about assertiveness is crucial. Thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings set the stage for behavior. Your mind needs to be free to respond to each new situation calling for assertive action. Negative or faulty attitudes, beliefs, and thoughts hold you back and stop your natural flow. “You are what you think” (even more than “what you eat”). Getting your thinking straight will be a huge step toward greater assertiveness. Start today to rid yourself of self-defeating thinking! In this chapter, you will find some “pep talks” and some specific procedures that will help you to look at your thinking process. We are probably going to challenge some of your beliefs about how life works.
Self-Expression and Your Brain We’ve been studying, teaching, and writing about this process for half a century. You’d think just about everything that could be said has been said. But there always seems to be some new finding, and some of these findings are quite surprising. For example, brain researchers — neuroscientists — in the last two decades have done some truly amazing work mapping the patterns of human brain activity associated with a wide variety of life situations and how we feel and respond to them. These brain-behavior relationships are founded on both the brain’s “hardwiring” — what we’re born with — and a mind-boggling (Literally!) series of connections that develop over a lifetime of learning about what it means to get along with other people. The state of the art today makes it clear that although our social behavior patterns are quite firmly established in our brains — because we’ve repeated them over and over again for years — we can learn new patterns with active effort. That in itself is a major breakthrough. The old idea that once brain cells are gone we don’t get new ones has proved to be false. The brain has a quality called “neuroplasticity:” it continues to grow new cells and connections throughout our lives, if it is challenged and stimulated. At the risk of oversimplifying what goes on in the brain when we encounter a social situation, imagine two key components of the brain itself talking with each other. The “amygdala” is the tiny, almond-shaped center of emotions located at the base of the brain toward the rear. The brain’s “orbitofrontal cortex” — OFC — is the primary (though not the only) regulator of those emotions; it thinks and evaluates as it receives signals from the amygdala. The OFC puts the rational brakes on by regulating the length, intensity, and frequency of such emotions as anger, terror, and shame. The emotional brain (that is, the amygdala) deals in raw feelings. The rational, cognitive brain (the OFC) specializes in considered understanding. Psychologist Daniel Goleman refers to the two functions as the “low road” (emotions) and the “high road” (cognitions) of the brain. The high road works methodically, step by step, with deliberate effort, giving us some control over our “inner life.” The two roads are intertwined, working in
parallel and virtually simultaneously, although the low road’s amygdala fires the more immediate shots. Picture yourself walking through a primeval forest 100,000 years ago. In the distant shadows, you notice a movement. Your brain’s first response is likely to be fear. The amygdala is sending survival messages: Could be a threat. Lots of dangerous predators in these parts. Better run or take cover or find a weapon. The OFC, decoding these distress signals, takes the long view: Yes, it could be a threat, but not likely. I’ve been all over this area today, and I’m confident there are no predators around now. Still, it would be prudent to be somewhat cautious. I’ll wait here a while and watch and listen. Besides, if it is a dangerous predator, I probably couldn’t outrun it anyway. That scenario could happen today on the streets of any city, or even in a forest. The point is that our brains are constantly responding emotionally to and evaluating rationally the situations we encounter. Everyday social situations usually do not have the same survival value as our hypothetical encounter in the forest, but our brains do respond both emotionally and rationally to everything that comes along. What’s important about all this is to recognize first that your emotional reaction to a social situation may well be anxiety (fear), but you can handle that emotion if you take time to listen to the rational evaluation of the OFC. If you do, you can learn skills for dealing with those situations effectively. Detailed examination of the research findings regarding those very complex brain processes is beyond the scope of this book. Readers who are interested in looking further into the state of knowledge on brain and behavior are encouraged to explore Daniel Goleman’s fine book Social Intelligence (2006) and such other recommended resources as Antonio Damasio’s Looking for Spinoza (2003), Daniel J. Siegel’s The Developing Mind (2015), and Understanding Emotions (2006) by Keith Oatley, Dacher Keltner, and Jennifer Jenkins. For now, the important thing to keep in mind is that you have some work to do to overcome a lifetime of brain network patterns that lead you to make less-than-adequate responses to social situations. Time to get started!
Your Attitude Toward Becoming Assertive Perhaps you, like many folks, have experienced parents, teachers, and peers saying, “You have no right.” Now we are telling you, “You have a perfect right,” and it is good, it is right, it is okay to assert yourself. How to deal with these conflicting messages? Trust yourself. Experiment a little. You owe it to yourself to try. Your attitude will help or hinder your capacity to grow in assertiveness. If you cooperate with the natural process of self-expression, you can learn to enjoy each new challenge. Don’t let negative attitudes stunt your growth. Maybe you’re imagining all the “dire consequences” that may result from taking risks in your relationships. (Oh dear, what might happen? Maybe he’ll hit me. Maybe she’ll leave me.) Recognize that, at times, it’s appropriate to ignore those excessive cautions and take just one small step toward your goal. You can take charge of your own growth process and guide your development in a positive, assertive direction. You’ll find your attitudes can change because of your actions. And you may be surprised at the results. Positive responses from others, better feelings about yourself, having your needs met, and accomplishing your goals will be among your rewards. Pay attention to these positive outcomes; they offer important support and encouragement as you practice new skills.
Your Attitude Toward Yourself Can you congratulate yourself when you succeed? When you fail, can you accept your foibles with honesty and laugh at yourself? Can you express the feeling of elation you get when you achieve a personal goal, such as completing a college course or a remodeling job on your home? Do you allow yourself the pleasure of feeling satisfied with a job well done? How about when you do something that makes someone else happy? Maybe your goal in life is to be of service to others. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have little to give to anyone else. If you continually inhibit your self-expression, you’ll gradually lose your effectiveness in helping others as well. Recall that the charge is to “Love others as you love yourself.” How well do you love yourself? Remember the Behavioral Model for Personal Growth in chapter 7? Read it over again now and consider how you can love yourself better. Your attitude toward yourself and your behavior is in a continuous cycle. When you are down on yourself, you’ll tend to act in self-denying ways. Others will see those actions and respond accordingly — as if you don’t deserve much respect. When you see the way they treat you, it confirms your attitude: I knew I wasn’t worth a damn! Look how people treat me! And the self-fulfilling cycle continues.
We want to help you break up the cycle by teaching you — and “authorizing” you — to behave assertively. Since you won’t do it for yourself, maybe you’ll do it when someone else tells you to! The trainer says, “Never mind how strange it feels, go ahead and try this new approach.” When you do try it, the result is more positive feedback from other people, which in turn improves your attitude about yourself. You’re on your way! This enhanced sense of self-worth is the beginning of a positive turn in the attitude-behavior-feedback-attitude cycle. You can achieve the same results on your own — or perhaps with some help over the rough spots — by following the step-by-step program for behavior change you’ll find a couple of chapters down the road; for now, let’s take a deeper look at this business of thoughts and attitudes.
Thoughts That Get in the Way of Self-Assertion There are some patterns of thinking — both nonassertive and aggressive — that are common obstacles to assertiveness. If you’re like most folks, you’ve told yourself things like the following — at least once in a while: I’m a failure. The world is treating me badly. I’m a helpless victim of circ*mstances. Nobody loves me. Everybody is judging me. Other people are in control of my destiny. Or, on the other side: When I speak, people listen. (Or else!) The world owes me obedience. I don’t need help from anybody. I’m not going to let them get away with that! People suck! If you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll have to admit that these ideas are mostly false. The big problem with this kind of thinking is that you may begin to believe it. Distorted views of what’s happening in your life may result from a number of circ*mstances. Sometimes bad events occur coincidentally and create an impression that life has it in for you. That idea can stick in your head and become a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Most of us don’t experience life as a devastating series of downers, but we all have days (or weeks) that can bring us down on ourselves — at least for a while. Esteemed psychiatrist and author Aaron Beck, MD, has outlined some of the tendencies that commonly occur: A predisposition to think poorly of yourself. Maybe you have been out of a job for a while, or you did poorly in school, or you broke up a romance. Or perhaps you have a rather low opinion of yourself (self-concept). In any case, you are prepared to assume that whatever goes wrong, you’re to blame. A tendency to exaggerate problems. Minor emergencies often seem catastrophic at the time. In the total scheme of things, however, most life situations are less critical than we assume. An egocentric view of life events. “Everything happens to me!” is the theme of this tendency. An objective view would tell a different story, but the victim sees everything that goes awry as aimed at him or her. A belief that life is either one way or the other. This notion of goodbad, black-white, yes-no limits your choices markedly. The fact is that there are a number of alternatives in most life situations. A view of oneself as helpless or vulnerable. “How can I possibly do anything about all the problems in my life?” You can begin to deal with them effectively if you break them down into small enough increments.
Helpful Aids for Handling Thoughts A number of excellent methods have been developed for dealing with your thinking patterns. Three of the most effective are stress inoculation, thought stopping, and positive self-statements. Stress Inoculation This type of “inoculation” not only minimizes expected stress, it can also be used on the spot to deal with stress. (Noted Canadian psychologist Dr. Donald Meichenbaum gets credit for this one.) Assume you have a situation coming up that you know will be stressful, such as a job performance review. Your supervisor tends to be a fast talker and not a good listener. In the past, you have become very uptight and upset. To inoculate yourself this time, start by writing yourself a message about the situation beforehand. Speak to yourself as a wise counselor would. Here is a sample message: When you have your performance evaluation, relax. Don’t let yourself be thrown off. It does no good to get upset. Remember your supervisor’s style, and be ready for it. When your supervisor says something you question, be firm but polite in asking about it. Ask for time to consider further. Speak up about information the supervisor is forgetting. Be ready to list your accomplishments. You can handle this. Take a deep breath once in a while. You’ll be fine. If surprises come, just roll with them. This is only one small event in your total life. Once you have a tailor-made message, read it aloud several times before the actual situation arises. Read it especially when you start worrying excessively or when you feel undue anxiety. Remember the essence of the message so you can repeat key portions silently during the actual event (like an interview). If you find yourself slipping in confidence, listen within yourself for the key parts.
One of our clients used this method successfully with her estranged husband. They were to meet in court, and Cyra knew she would fall apart and perhaps ruin her chances for a fair settlement. She developed a stress inoculation message and practiced it often. When she entered the courtroom, her husband came up and said hi, and Cyra immediately broke into tears and ran to the bathroom. While there, she reread her message aloud several times, regained her confidence, and “sailed through” both talking to him again and the subsequent proceedings. Afterward, she was amazed that it worked. In the past, she would have continued to be upset and cry. Stress inoculation helped Cyra through a very emotional event. Thought Stopping Have you ever had an annoying tune or thought continually run through your head? Nothing you do seems to stop it. That’s the time to try “thought stopping,” another method developed by psychiatrist Joseph Wolpe. Close your eyes right now and conjure up some recurring thought that bothers you. When it comes in clearly, yell “STOP!” out loud. (Make sure no one is nearby or they may think you a bit bizarre!) Your thoughts will actually stop. When they do, shift immediately to a pleasant thought to replace the unwanted one. The unwanted thought will typically return in short order, but if you persistently repeat the procedure, more and more time will pass before the offender sneaks back in. Soon, the unwanted thought will “give up.” No, you don’t have to run around yelling “STOP!” continually. The technique works just as effectively when done silently in your head. Of course, you may still want to yell it out loud once in a while because it is so much fun! One warning: be careful that the unwanted thoughts are not actually carrying constructive messages that you’re not catching on to. You need to pay attention to some unpleasant thoughts and act on them. They may be offering important guidance. With practice and trial and error, however, the difference between good and not-so-good thoughts will become apparent. Positive Self-Statements “The hardest step for most people I know,” commented high school counselor Gail Wainwright at an assertiveness group meeting, “is to be
assertive with yourself: to convince yourself to go ahead and take the action you know is needed.” If your thoughts are filled with self-denying “rules” and “attitudes,” your behavior will in all likelihood be similar. You may think in negative statements: I’m not important. My opinions don’t count. No one will be interested in what I have to say. I’ll probably make a fool of myself if I say anything. I’m really not sure. I have no right to say that. If so, chances are very good you will act accordingly — that is, you’ll keep quiet and let others control the situation. For a short period of time, try allowing yourself to actually say out loud the positive form of those statements: “I am important.” “My opinions count.” “Someone will be interested in what I have to say.” “I have a right to say that.” You don’t have to act on any of these at this point, just get the feel of thinking positive thoughts and saying them aloud to yourself. The positive self-statements procedure simply consists of developing complimentary statements about yourself that you memorize and repeat regularly. The purpose is to build self-confidence: “I am respected and admired by my friends.” “I am a kind and loving person.” “I have a job.” “I handle anger well.” “I got through school successfully.” “I am firm when the situation calls for it.” Some of the statements you choose may not be totally true of you, but we want you to “fudge” a little at first. (Don’t go to extremes, however. We don’t agree with those who would have you go around saying, “I am rich and beautiful.” Unless, of course, it’s true.) Then proceed as if they were true. Place these statements on the refrigerator, on the bathroom wall, or in your purse or wallet. Regularly remind yourself that you are a positive and valuable person.
You can use positive self-statements as replacement thoughts in conjunction with thought stopping. Or they can be part of your stress inoculation message. After you have practiced the positive thoughts for a while, you may wish to begin — still in your own thoughts — to consider the ways you would act in stressful situations if you followed through on the thoughts. Perhaps, for example, you were thinking, Someone will be interested in what I have to say, in regard to joining in on a group discussion. If you were to imagine acting on that thought, you might see yourself asking a question of one of the more outspoken participants. Or maybe you could just start out by saying, “I agree.” Think about ways you could act like a person who thinks positively!
Stop Imagining the Worst Too often, people do not respond assertively because they have conjured up dire consequences. If I do this, she’ll be mad. I could never say that because he’d fire me. I’ll feel guilty. She’ll divorce me. My mother always cries. I’d hurt him too much. On and on go the imagined disasters. A part of the brain seems to work overtime to stifle self-expression. The late renowned psychologist Albert Ellis called this “catastrophizing,” and he did a remarkable job of pointing out how such irrational beliefs hurt our chances of handling life situations well. In his book Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better, Ellis suggests that our thoughts always come before our emotional reactions to situations. Ellis describes some of the irrational ideas and beliefs about how life “ought to be” that lead to upsetting emotions, thus blocking adequate responses. These beliefs relate to such life events as rejection, fear, and being treated unfairly. Read Ellis’s book and stop inhibiting your assertiveness by believing (irrationally) that the world should somehow be perfect.
“What Else Can I Do About My Thoughts?” Psychologist Gary Emery is another highly regarded specialist in cognitive therapy procedures. He has described a number of effective strategies and techniques for those who wish to make changes in their thinking patterns and “internal conversations.” You may find one or several of the procedures of help: Get to know and be aware of yourself. A continuing quest for greater self-awareness — your needs, goals, dreams, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, limitations, problems — will give you a solid foundation for your self-improvement efforts. Recognize and keep track of your “automatic thoughts.” This term is used to describe the involuntary inner dialogue you experience when you face a stressful situation (such as, Oh dear, this is going to be…). Ask yourself questions to clarify your reactions to an event. Is there good evidence for your assumptions? How logical is your reaction? Could you be oversimplifying things? Exaggerating? Taking the situation out of context? Consider possible alternative explanations. Look at the situation from another viewpoint. Modify one fact at a time and see what happens. Ask yourself, “So what?” Does it really matter? Even if the situation is actually as bad as you suspect, will the consequences be lasting? Will anybody really be hurt? Try to substitute positive images. See if you can come up with a “silver lining.” Might the bad news contain (or hide) some good news? Identify the payoffs for you. Are you getting some reward for feeling bad? More attention, perhaps? Special help? Being excused from
work or school? Might there be an even better payoff for changing your outlook? Ask yourself, “What if it really does happen?” What’s the worst outcome likely to bring? Can you act for a while as if the feared event had already happened? Is it really as bad as you thought? Do some very specific “homework” to change your thoughts. Go back to the previous section and develop a plan for positive selfstatements, stress inoculation, or thought stopping. Write your plan in your journal, then do your homework!
Are Some More Equal Than Others? One of our most important goals for this book is to help you recognize that you are equal to others on a human-to-human level. True, there will always be someone who is more talented, more assertive, more beautiful, more powerful, more wealthy, more educated. But you are just as good, just as valuable, just as important as anyone else as a human being. That’s a terribly important idea. If you want to read more about it, try the Constitution of the United States of America or the United Nations’ Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
Chapter 11
There’s Nothing to Be Afraid Of Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. — Mark Twain
In any social situation, I felt fear. I would be anxious before I even left the house, and it would escalate as I got closer to a college class, a party, or whatever. I would feel sick to my stomach; it almost felt like I had the flu. My heart would pound, my palms would get sweaty, and I would get this feeling of being removed from myself and from everybody else. — Quoted from National Institute of Mental Health
Many readers of Your Perfect Right — perhaps you too — find anxiety to be the most significant obstacle to greater assertiveness. “Sure,” you say, “I know how to express myself. I just get really uptight about doing it. The risks seem too great. I want people to like me.” Microsoft co-owner Melinda Gates told Time magazine that her investor friend Warren Buffett — also a billionaire, of course, and famous for being a natural public speaker on financial matters — had to take extra pains to overcome his own fear of public appearances. Buffett, named by Time as one of “the most influential people in the world,” took the Dale Carnegie course in public speaking, says Gates, to get past his anxiety and to develop what has become one of his greatest skills. Perhaps you find yourself perspiring, your heart racing, your hands icy as you anticipate a public appearance. Or you get those same feelings as you’re about to walk into a job interview. Or maybe you have avoided asking your boss for a raise because you fear the words will catch in your throat. Do you take the long way home so you don’t have to confront the neighbor who is always asking favors that you’re afraid to refuse?
Social anxiety, also known as social phobia, is the term psychologists use to label the fear of being judged by others or being embarrassed. Typical of such occasions would be speaking in front of a group or crowd (the most common fear), meeting new people, going to meetings or parties, performing or working when observed by others — in short, appearing in any situation in which one might be criticized, judged, or rejected. You may not even be aware of the source of such fears. They may have resulted from childhood experiences — for example, well-meaning parents may have taught you to “speak only when spoken to.” Or classmates may have teased you when you stood up to make an oral report. Or you may be one of the many who have the genetic predisposition to shyness and/or social anxiety that relatively recent research studies have shown to exist. Some people are born with the likelihood that they will be reticent or fearful in social situations. Yet, even for those whose social anxiety is inborn, it is possible to reduce the level of anxiety to a point where social situations are not so intimidating. Learning to be assertive is one way to help reduce such fears. Still, when the level of anxiety is very high, it may be necessary to deal more directly with the anxiety itself. That’s the topic of this chapter. To overcome fear, nervousness, anxiety, and stress about acting assertively, it’s necessary to determine what causes the reaction. Once you know what you are dealing with, you can learn methods to eliminate the fear. So we suggest you begin by tracing your fear. Narrow down exactly what causes you to feel afraid to express yourself assertively. Use your journal to record your reactions systematically, and keep track of what is causing your anxiety (fear) level to rise.
Finding Your Fears: The SUD Scale Figuring out your own level of anxiety can help you put it in perspective and tackle it more effectively. An excellent aid for doing that is the subjective unit of disturbance, or SUD. Developed by psychiatrist Joseph Wolpe and psychologist Arnold Lazarus, the SUD is a simple way to estimate just how anxious you feel in a situation. You can construct your own “anxiety scale” by rating your feelings of anxiety from 0 SUDs (completely calm) to 100 SUDs (the worst anxiety you can imagine). Because anxiety has physical elements, you can become aware of your degree of disturbance in a situation by “tuning in” to your body’s indicators: heart rate (pulse), breathing rate, coldness in hands and feet, perspiration (particularly in hands), and muscle tension. There are others, but most of us usually are not aware of them. Biofeedback training — the electromechanical measurement and reporting of specific bodily functions, such as heart rate, skin conductivity, muscle tension, and breathing — is sometimes used to allow people to learn when they are relaxed or anxious, since it offers an automated monitor of physical indicators. Try this: get yourself as relaxed as you can right now — lie flat on the couch or floor or relax in your chair, breathe deeply, relax all the muscles in your body, and imagine a very relaxing scene (such as lying on the beach or floating on a cloud). Allow yourself to relax in this way for at least five minutes, paying attention to your heartbeat, breathing, hand temperature and dryness, and muscle relaxation. Those relaxed feelings can be given a SUD scale value of 0, representing near-total relaxation. If you did not do the relaxation exercise but are reading this alone relatively quietly and comfortably, you may consider yourself somewhere around 20 on your SUD scale. At the opposite end of the scale, visualize the most frightening scene you can imagine. With your eyes closed, picture yourself narrowly escaping an accident or being near the center of an earthquake or flood. Pay attention to the same body signals: heart rate or pulse, breathing, hand temperature and moisture, and muscle relaxation. These fearful feelings can be given a SUD scale value of 100 — almost totally anxious.
Now you have a roughly calibrated comfort/discomfort scale that you can use to help yourself evaluate just how anxious you are in any given situation. Each ten points on the scale represents a “just noticeable difference” up or down from the units above and below. Thus, 70 is slightly more anxious than 60 and by the same amount more comfortable than 80. (The SUD scale is too subjective to be able to define comfort level more closely than ten units.) Most of us function normally in the range of 20–50 SUDs. A few life situations will raise anxiety above 50 for short periods, and on rare occasions, one can relax below 20. The SUD scale can help you to identify those life situations that are most troublesome. Once again, being systematic in your observations of yourself can pay big dividends. The procedure described below shows a way to use the SUD scale to develop a “plan of attack” against your fears.
List and Label Your Fears A method developed in the field of creative writing — list/group/label — is another helpful tool you might want to use as you address questions of anxiety. Start by recording or listing life situations when you feel fear or anxiety. Use some space in your journal to list all your reactions that hinder your assertiveness, including the situation or event involved, people, circ*mstances, and other factors that contributed to your reaction. Assign a SUD value, as described in the previous section, to each of the items on your list. Next, find the reactions on your list that are similar, those that seem to have a common theme, and group them together. Now see if you can label your groups, applying appropriate names to each grouping of anxietyproducing factors. Among your groups may be such common phobias as fear of snakes, spiders, heights, or enclosed places. Interpersonal fears are more likely to be the problem in assertiveness — fears of criticism, rejection, anger or aggression, or hurting the feelings of others. You may find a grouping that centers on one or more of the situations given in the Assertiveness Inventory. Instead of a classic fear like rejection, you may simply experience a good deal of anxiety when standing in line or when facing salespeople. Perhaps people in authority scare you. Obviously, your assertiveness will not be optimum if your anxiety is already working against you beforehand.
Once you know what you are dealing with, you can learn methods to eliminate the fear.
Now, one more step in this analysis of your fears. In each labeled group, relist the items in order, according to the SUD scores you have assigned. Now you have a rough agenda, in priority order, for dealing with your
anxieties. Usually, it is best to start working to reduce or overcome those that are most disturbing before you attempt to develop your assertive skills further. The sample journal entry on page 128 will help make this process clearer. We’re indebted to Patsy Tanabe-Endsley, who describes this system of listing, grouping, and labeling ideas in her book Project Write. We’ve adapted her system by simply substituting “fears or anxieties” for “ideas.”
Methods for Overcoming Anxiety Now that you have carefully identified the anxieties that are inhibiting your assertiveness, you’ll want to begin a program to overcome them. There are many effective approaches. Since this topic is a book in itself, let us briefly describe some popular methods; then we’ll refer you to other resources for detailed information. Systematic Desensitization This approach, controversial and experimental when introduced more than fifty years ago, is another developed by assertiveness training pioneers Joseph Wolpe and Arnold Lazarus. Like assertiveness training, systematic desensitization is based on learning principles, asserting that you learned to be anxious about expressing yourself and you can unlearn it. Since we know that it isn’t possible to be relaxed and anxious at the same time, the process of desensitization involves repeatedly visualizing an anxiety-producing situation while feeling deeply relaxed throughout the body. Gradually, with repeated exposure, the brain learns to “automatically” associate relaxation — instead of anxiety — with the situation.
In a therapeutic desensitization, you’ll first learn to relax your entire body completely through practicing a series of deep muscle relaxation exercises or through hypnosis. The anxiety-producing situation is then presented in a series of imagined scenes arranged in order from least to greatest anxiety, interspersed with a relaxing scene of your choice (again, such as lying on the beach or floating on a cloud).
It is not possible to be relaxed and anxious at the same time.
You’ll imagine yourself in each scene and pay attention to the anxiety that results. After five to fifteen seconds, you’ll switch your visualization to your relaxing scene, relaxing once again. This procedure is repeated several times for each step of your hierarchy of anxious scenes. The repeated exposure to your anxiety while you are relaxed gradually reduces your fear in the anxious situation. The intricacies of the procedure are more complicated, but that’s the essence of systematic desensitization. It has been proven effective for a wide range of fears, including phobic reactions to heights, public speaking, animals, flying, test taking, social contact, and many more. Exposure Desensitization Similar to the procedure for systematic desensitization described above, desensitization by gradual exposure to sources of anxiety in the real world is another proven strategy for overcoming anxiety. A particularly vivid example of this treatment is demonstrated in the case of individuals who are working to overcome agoraphobia — a debilitating fear of “open spaces,” the marketplace, or social events. People with agoraphobia are asked to create a hierarchy similar to that for systematic desensitization (above), then to take very gradual steps of exposure to the feared situations — one step at a time — then back to a “safe” environment. With this repeated gradual exposure — never beyond
the point of very mild anxiety — the client becomes able to confront and eventually to overcome the fear of being outside and among other people. As with systematic desensitization, it is important to take only small steps and to build on success by repeating the low-anxiety steps one has already become desensitized to while progressing up the hierarchy to more anxious environments. Such gradual real-world exposure procedures have been shown to be highly effective with a variety of anxiety-producing situations, including riding in or driving a car, being in high places, riding in elevators, entering school classrooms, taking public transportation, and attending social events. While it is possible for exposure to be self-administered, it is usually best conducted under the guidance of a trained therapist. Diet, Exercise, and Sleep In today’s world, there is never enough time. Try to cross the street at a busy but unlighted intersection. Cars, trucks, and buses fly by, everyone in a hurry, no one stopping for a pedestrian. We rush to work in the morning, often skipping breakfast, “the most important meal of the day,” just as Mom always told you! We rush out at lunchtime to meet a friend for a quick sandwich, to pick up the laundry, or to shop for a new cell phone. “Exercise” consists of scurrying across that intersection, running for the commuter train, or mowing 150 square feet of grass. For a lucky few, it may also include a round of golf or a couple of hours a week at a fitness club. We know better, don’t we? We know that it’s vital to our well-being to eat well, exercise vigorously on a regular basis, and sleep soundly. Without those self-care systems, living life at today’s speed is certain to make us anxious! Of course, diet, exercise, and sleep are not treatments for anxiety as much as they are preventions. If you eat a well-balanced diet, full of whole grains, fresh fruits, and vegetables with minimal fat and sugar, you’re going to be healthier than if you’re grabbing a fast-food snack or a grande latte on the way to work. (And keep in mind that the caffeine and sugar in that latte will keep you pumped up even if you don’t have any other reason to be anxious.) If you sleep soundly for something close to the recommended six to eight hours, you’re more likely to be refreshed — and less anxious — the
next day. If you get plenty of heart- and muscle-healthy exercise, you’re going to feel better in every way, including in situations that might otherwise cause anxiety. Here are some notable comments about exercise and mental well-being: Exercise stimulates various brain chemicals, which may leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out. You’ll also look better and feel better when you exercise regularly, which can boost your confidence and improve your self-esteem. Exercise even reduces feelings of depression and anxiety. — The Mayo Clinic Exercise reduces feelings of depression and anxiety [and] promotes psychological well-being and reduces feelings of stress. — US Centers for Disease Control Okay, enough of the parental lecture. But don’t take our word for it. Read the volumes of literature on the subjects offered by the American Heart Association, the Anxiety Disorders Association of America, the American Dietetic Association, and virtually every other recognized authority on health. To help sort out the confusing “facts” about nutrition, take a look at Dr. Andrew Weil’s Eating Well for Optimum Health. While there is much agreement on these matters, it appears not to be “settled science.” The healthiest diet, for example, is still a matter of some controversy, and a new study of what works best for most people seems to come out almost every week — most of them focusing on weight loss. When it comes to what’s right for you, keep in mind that studies reported in the popular press almost always give us the results for most people in the study. That may or may not be the right thing for every individual — such as you. Meditation, Breathing, Relaxation Training, and Mindfulness Many books have been written on each of these topics, and we won’t be able to do them justice here. What’s important about meditation, breathing, relaxation, and mindfulness is that they have very positive and lasting effects far beyond their specific benefit as part of an anxiety treatment program.
The systematic practice of meditation is a powerful means of turning off the world around you for short periods in order to focus your attention on your body, your breathing, your thoughts, or your mental image of a most restful and contemplative place. Some folks balk at meditation because it sounds a bit mystical. It’s not, although the most widely used procedures have roots in Eastern philosophies. If it sounds strange or unusual, it’s because we so seldom allow ourselves to retreat from the pressures and distractions of the day into a quiet time. Most forms of meditation in Western societies are not based on mystical content and have been developed as a way of promoting physical and mental well-being. There are dozens of forms of meditation, breathing, relaxation, and mindfulness practice, including progressive muscle relaxation (Edmund Jacobson), autogenic training (Johannes Schultz), relaxation (Ainslie Meares), relaxation response (Herbert Benson), biofeedback, and mindfulness-based stress reduction (Jon Kabat-Zinn). Among the remarkable findings from neuroscience is the strong evidence that both Zen meditation and mindfulness can actually rewire the circuitry of the brain! It is widely recognized that anxiety and stress significantly contribute to a lack of physical health, and there is an increasing volume of mainstream medical research in this area. Hospitals, for example, often use meditation as a method of stress reduction for patients with a chronic or terminal illness or a depressed immune system. Jacobson argues that since anxiety includes muscle tension, one can reduce anxiety by learning how to relax the tension. Benson, whose Institute for Mind Body Medicine is affiliated with Massachusetts General Hospital, describes the “relaxation response” as a complex of physiological changes that come with deep relaxation, including changes in metabolism, heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, and brain chemistry. Kabat-Zinn created the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, where intensive research has demonstrated the benefits of mindfulness meditation on reducing stress. (More on mindfulness in our discussion of anger in chapter 18.) Treatment for Panic Attacks
If you are experiencing major anxiety attacks — panic at just the thought of a confrontation, for example, or for no apparent reason at all — you may need to undertake a systematic treatment program with a therapist. Wisconsin psychologist and author Denise Beckfield has developed a program that helps clients to figure out what leads to their panicky feelings, thought patterns, and the resulting physical reactions: shaking, palpitations, dizziness, chills, nausea, chest pain, and the horrible sensation of losing control or “going crazy.” Beckfield also encourages examination of background aspects — such as genetics, personality traits, and early experiences — that may have lowered one’s anxiety threshold, as well as issues such as loss and anger that feed into panic attacks. The good news is that the scary sensations not only do pass; in time, they can be made to disappear completely. Among the simple techniques suggested for panic patients are (1) to keep a journal to note panic episodes, record feelings at the time, and chart positive actions and successes; and (2) to learn and practice a controlled breathing exercise (“Stop, Refocus, Breathe”) — a remarkably effective technique in helping one to “chill out” quickly during anxious times. If you suffer from full-blown panic attacks, you’re encouraged to see a psychologist or other qualified psychotherapist. If, however, your social anxiety leads to near-panic episodes, anxiety in specific situations, or chronic low-level anxiety, you can use self-help procedures to begin to take charge and stay calm as you face social encounters. Dr. Beckfield’s book Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life is a good beginning. Irrational Beliefs and Self-Talk We grow up with lots of funny ideas, and as adults, we repeat those ideas until we talk ourselves sick. What kinds of “funny ideas”? Well, how about the idea that the world must treat us perfectly. Or that life should be fair. Or that if you don’t succeed at everything you do, you’re no good. We talked about some of these irrational thoughts in chapter 10. (You might want to review that material.) One unfortunate result of such ideas is that we upset ourselves unnecessarily, provoking anxiety, panic, depression, frustration, anger. We pay a high emotional price for believing impossible
things about how the world should treat us, because the real world will never measure up to those ideals. To counter these toxic notions and get back on a path to healthier thinking, we recommend the work of the late psychologist Albert Ellis, whose books and other works on rational emotive behavior therapy (see the reference section at the back of this book) will help you learn to dispute irrational thoughts in your life and replace them with realistic ideas that more closely resemble what life will likely present to you. Ellis’s sage advice, noted in chapter 8, is worth repeating here: “What troubles us in life is not what happens to us, but how we react to what happens.” Assertiveness We haven’t talked much about it in this book, but the fact is that renowned psychologist Arnold Lazarus and psychiatrist Joseph Wolpe originally devised assertiveness training as a treatment for anxiety. In laboratory research in South Africa in the 1960s, working on new treatments for anxiety in animals, they devised careful physiological measures and found that fearful animals became relaxed when the feared situation was paired with food, relaxation, or assertiveness. Since you’ve been learning about assertiveness throughout this book, we needn’t pursue the topic further here, except to say that, particularly for those who are anxious because they are uncertain about their social skills, assertiveness training is well established as an effective treatment for social anxiety. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Developed around 1990 by psychologist Francine Shapiro, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) created a good deal of commotion early on because it seemed a bit “magical.” The name was derived from the original procedure, which involved moving the eyes from side to side repeatedly while remembering upsetting memories concerning past traumas or anxiety-provoking situations. The introduction of EMDR provoked some controversy among mental health professionals, due primarily to the unusual “eye movement”
requirement. Concern was also expressed about the apparent very rapid client response to the method and about Shapiro’s early demand that the method be employed only by practitioners she had personally trained. Over time, research with EMDR found that the important element in reducing the disturbance is not the eye movement, but the alternating movement. A technological innovation used by many EMDR therapists involves a handheld electronic vibration device to stimulate the alternating movement. The EMDR method has been effective in dealing with the anxieties and fears associated with behaving assertively, emotional confrontations, hurting others’ feelings, and being the center of attention. EMDR also has been shown to be helpful in overcoming the aftereffects of traumatic stress situations (such as physical or sexual abuse, war experiences, accidents, natural disasters, and dysfunctional family experiences) and in overcoming the guilt, fear, upset, faulty thinking, and anxiety that often result from traumatic experiences. (Coauthor Michael Emmons was trained in EMDR therapy and has used it in his practice. He has been enthusiastic about the results and correctly predicted years ago that EMDR would gain widespread acceptance as a method for helping people overcome anxieties, fears, and traumas. It has done so, though it is still not universally endorsed.) Medication If you go to see your primary care physician or internist about anxiety, you’re very likely to get a prescription for an antianxiety medication. There is a host of such drugs on the market today. You’ve surely seen them advertised on television and online: “Ask your doctor if NoAnx is right for you!” And you may well ask this question. If you’ve had a good relationship with a primary care doc for some time and anxiety is something new in your life, the doctor may be able to determine that it’s due to a chemical change and should be fought with appropriate chemical counteragents. We don’t happen to believe that medication should be your first line of attack, however, unless the anxiety has come out of nowhere suddenly and there appears to be no likely suspect in your immediate life situation. We
encourage you to consider first the other approaches we’ve described in this chapter. If you do elect to go the route of meds, prepare yourself well to discuss prescriptions with your physician. Inform yourself. Do some homework on the variety of drugs available for anxiety and their side effects. Don’t simply accept the first one your doctor suggests, and by all means don’t believe the ads you see, hear, and read. Check carefully — before you fill a prescription — to determine that a recommended drug is really “right for you.” Chances are your primary care physician will not have the time or expertise to do a thorough psychological workup. Primary care doctors are usually so busy — and the health care finance system allows them so little time with patients — that they simply write scripts for their favorites, the drugs that seem to work for most folks. Don’t settle for that. Ask why a particular drug is the best one for you. If your doctor is unwilling to discuss these issues with you, use your assertiveness skills to deal with your need for information and a respectful, cooperative relationship. If your needs go unmet, consult another physician. For detailed information about anxiety medications, we suggest you visit the authoritative websites of the National Institute of Mental Health and Mental Health America (both of which are listed as online resources at the back of this book). Other Therapies for Anxiety We’ve briefly discussed several proven approaches to dealing with anxiety, ones we know to be effective and are able to recommend. As you might guess, there are many more. Some therapists would have you spend years examining early childhood experiences and relationships with your parents and siblings. Others would put you in a highly stressful situation immediately (you might call it “sink or swim”). Among the many ideas other therapists often suggest for treating anxiety are psychoanalysis, acceptance and commitment therapy, Gestalt therapy, implosion therapy, hypnosis, and systemic family therapy. One surprising application of technology to social anxiety takes us outside the realm of “therapy” and into cyberspace. A recent study in
Taiwan reported that participating in massive multiplayer online roleplaying games (MMORPGs) reduced players’ anxiety and improved their social relationships (Ho, Lin, and Lee 2015). And here we thought time spent online might be hurting social skills! If you need special help overcoming anxiety about expressing yourself assertively, we suggest you examine the procedures we’ve discussed above and identify one that best fits your own circ*mstances and style. Start that process by doing some further reading. Two good books on the topic are The Stress Owner’s Manual by C. Michele Haney and Ed Boenisch and The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne. Both books explore self-help procedures for anxiety and describe further resources available. Once you commit to an intervention for your anxiety, expect to invest some time — probably several weeks — practicing your choice of the methods of anxiety relief, with or without a therapist. It took time for you to become anxious; it will take time to overcome it.
Summing Up About Anxiety We don’t mean to discourage you with this discussion of anxiety about being assertive. On the contrary, most readers will find themselves able to handle their mild discomfort about self-expression without major difficulty. There are some of us, however, who do need some extra help in overcoming obstacles. Don’t be embarrassed or hesitant about asking for help just as you would seek competent medical aid for a physical problem. Then, when you’ve cleared up the anxiety obstacle, turn back to the procedures we suggest for developing your assertiveness. Feelings of nervousness, anxiety reactions, and fear are common when thinking about and acting assertively. Often, practicing assertive responses will reduce these uneasy reactions to manageable levels. Practice will make assertion feel more natural to you. If you feel that you’re still too afraid, take another look at the systematic ways we’ve described in this chapter to identify and deal with the situations that trigger your fearful reactions. Simply understanding a fear, while an important first step, is seldom powerful enough to reduce it significantly. Self-help methods that help eliminate or lower the fear to manageable levels are often successful. Professional therapy is recommended when your own efforts are not enough. We called this chapter “There’s Nothing to Be Afraid Of.” Actually, life hands all of us situations we find fearful at times. What we want you to remember is that there are effective ways to deal with anxiety. If it’s a problem for you, we urge you to read this chapter again, learn as much as you can about your anxiety, and seek out methods — including professional therapy, if necessary — that will help you overcome it.
Chapter 12
It’s a Skill You Can Learn Energy and persistence conquer all things. — Benjamin Franklin
It’s an old joke in psychology. When two engineers are talking together and a psychologist walks up and joins the conversation, there are now two engineers and a psychologist. But when two psychologists are talking and an engineer (substitute your own favorite occupation) walks up and joins them, there are now three psychologists! Everyone believes she or he is a psychologist in some sense. Indeed, we all have some practical firsthand knowledge of human behavior, beginning with ourselves. Unfortunately, a lot of what seems true is not.
Changing Behavior and Attitudes Popular wisdom often suggests that to improve yourself, you need to “change your attitude.” In contrast, until late in the twentieth century, behavioral psychologists argued that it was more important to change behavior, and that attitude change would follow. In early editions of this book, back in the 1970s, we supported the position of traditional behavior therapy: that it is easier and more effective to change behavior first, then attitude change will slowly follow. While there is still little doubt that attitude change is the “tougher nut to crack,” psychologists have learned that thoughts and beliefs can be modified by procedures such as those described in chapter 10 and that such changes will powerfully affect behavior. Positive self-statements provide a good example. By consciously telling yourself “I have the ability to succeed in this situation,” you greatly enhance your chances of success, even without any other changes. Everyone views and interprets life events through her or his own unique attitudes and beliefs about “how life is” and acts according to those interpretations. If you go around believing that you’re “worthless,” you’ll approach life situations with an outlook of failure — and thus increase your chance of failure. If you tell yourself you are capable of succeeding, your actions will be more likely to follow a pattern of success — and you’ll be more successful. For a time, most everyone was convinced that such changed thinking was all-important. That usually happens when a new idea emerges from psychological research. These days, however, there’s a consensus around a more moderate position, and that is the view we hold: both thinking and behavior are vital elements in the process of bringing about personal growth. (Funny how psychological research catches up with common sense if we allow enough time to pass.) Some people respond more readily to cognitive (thinking) interventions, others to behavioral (action) interventions. In any comprehensive program for growth, therefore, both areas must be dealt with.
And let’s not forget that the most recent work — from the field of neuroscience — has demonstrated that the brain itself is the most powerful factor of all in determining our attitudes and behaviors. While that’s not surprising, as we discussed earlier, it has led to some remarkable findings about how our patterns of thinking and behavior have developed — and how they can be changed.
Getting There from Here As you begin the process of becoming more assertive, don’t expect to wake up some morning and say, “Today, I’m a new, assertive person!” It has taken you a lifetime to develop the neural pathways in your brain and the resulting thinking and behavior patterns. It will take a little while — and quite a bit of practice — to make the changes you want. You will find, spelled out in detail in the following chapter, a systematic, step-by-step guide to change. The key to developing assertiveness is practice. Cycles of behavior tend to repeat and to perpetuate themselves until a decisive intervention occurs. People who have acted nonassertively or aggressively in relationships for a long time typically don’t think much of themselves. Their behavior toward others may be inhibited or abusive — either one is usually met with scorn, disdain, or avoidance. The response of others confirms the person’s low self-evaluation, and the cycle is repeated: self-defeating behavior, negative feedback from others, self-critical attitude, self-defeating behavior, and so on. (Remember the illustration of the selffulfilling cycle in chapter 10?) The cycle can be reversed, becoming a positive sequence: more appropriately assertive behavior gains more positive responses from others; positive feedback leads to an improved evaluation of self-worth (“Wow, people are treating me like a worthwhile person!”); and improved attitudes about oneself result in further assertiveness. Or the cycle may be entered at the point of thoughts: by saying positive things to yourself and beginning to think of yourself as a valuable person, you’ll begin to act more appropriately. Your more effective action will usually produce more positive responses from others and the resulting confirmation of the original thought: “Maybe I am a good person, after all!” JB had been convinced for years that he was truly worthless. He was totally dependent upon his wife for emotional support, and despite his handsome appearance and ability to express himself, he had literally no friends. Imagine his utter despair when his wife left him! Fortunately, JB was seeing a psychologist at the time, and after
several months of therapy working on recovery from his loss, he was willing to begin to make contact with other people. When his first attempts at assertiveness with eligible women were successful, you can imagine how rewarding it was for him! JB’s entire outlook toward himself changed, and he became much more assertive in a variety of situations. Not everyone will experience such an immediate “payoff” for assertion; and not all assertions are fully successful. Success usually requires a great deal of patience and a gradual process of handling more and more difficult situations. Generally speaking, however, assertiveness is self-rewarding. It feels good to have others begin to respond more attentively, to meet your needs and achieve your goals in relationships, and to find situations going your way more often. And you can make these changes happen. Remember, begin with assertions where you are more or less sure of success before proceeding to more difficult ones requiring greater confidence and skill. You’ll find it helpful and reassuring to obtain support and guidance from a friend, practice partner, teacher, or professional therapist. Keep in mind that changed behavior will lead to changed attitudes about yourself and your impact on people and situations. And changed thinking leads to changed behavior.
When You Are Ready to Begin First, make certain that you understand thoroughly the basic principles of assertion. Recognizing the differences between assertive and aggressive behavior is important to your understanding and success. Reread chapters 4, 5, and 6 if you need to. Second, decide whether you are ready to begin trying self-assertive behavior on your own. If you have chronic patterns of nonassertiveness or aggression or if you are highly anxious, be more cautious. We recommend slow and careful practice and work with another person, preferably a trained therapist, as a facilitator. This recommendation is particularly strong for those who feel very anxious about beginning, as we discussed in chapter 11. Third, your initial attempts at being assertive should be chosen for their high potential of success, so as to provide reinforcement. The more successfully you assert yourself at first, the more likely you are to be successful from then on! Begin with small assertions that are likely to be rewarding, and from there, move on to more difficult situations and relationships. Be very careful about attempting a difficult assertion without special preparation. And don’t instigate an assertion when you are likely to fail and discourage further attempts at assertiveness. If you do suffer a setback, which very well may happen, take time to analyze the situation carefully and regain your confidence. Get help from a friend or counselor if necessary. Especially in the early stages of assertion, it is not unusual to experience difficulty. You’re still perfecting your technique, after all! Or you may overdo it, to the point of aggression. Either error is likely to cause a negative response, particularly if the target of your assertion becomes hostile and highly aggressive (in which case, we suggest you back off, perhaps to try again another day). Don’t let such an occurrence stop you. Consider your goal again, and remember that although success requires lots of practice, the rewards can be great.
Expect some failures. These procedures will not make you 100 percent successful in all your relationships. There are no instant or magic answers to life’s problems. The fact is, assertiveness does not always work — for anyone! Sometimes, your goals will be incompatible with the other person’s. Two people can’t be at the head of the same line. Two cars can’t occupy the same parking space. (Letting the other person go first can be an assertive act too!) At times, others may be unreasonable or unyielding, and the best of assertions will be to no avail. Also, because you’re human, you’ll blow it sometimes, as we all do. Allow yourself to make mistakes. And allow others their right to be themselves as well. You’ll be uncomfortable, disappointed, discouraged. Reassess, practice, then try again. (More about “failure” in chapter 23.) The key to all of this, of course, is choice. If you choose to express yourself but don’t succeed in gaining your goals, is that failure? We don’t think so. The choice itself was an assertive act, as was the attempt. Outcomes are never guaranteed in life. If you feel your assertions are failing a bit too often, take a close look at what’s going on. Are you setting your goals too high? Take small steps to ensure success. Are you overdoing it and becoming aggressive? Monitor your behavior carefully — refer to your journal and check yourself. (Some aggression may be expected at first. The pendulum will balance itself in a short time if you persist.) We all want our assertions to work, and we all want to achieve our goals. Nevertheless, the greatest value of self-assertion is the good feeling that comes from having expressed yourself. To know that you have a perfect right to self-expression and to feel free to say what you’re feeling are the best benefits of all. Usually, you’ll find assertiveness will make things happen. But whether it works or not, remember how good it felt to speak up for yourself. You did what you could, even if the outcome wasn’t what you hoped for. If you have genuinely tried and done all you can, that’s all you can ask of yourself. One final caution: nothing turns people off faster than a self-righteous attitude. Avoid the trap some new assertiveness trainees fall into — feeling you must assert yourself in all situations, at all costs. Let moderation, consideration for others, and common sense prevail.
Ready to move ahead? Step into chapter 13.
Chapter 13
Take It One Step at a Time Believe in life! Always human beings will live and progress to greater, broader, and fuller life. — W. E. B. Du Bois
Okay, you’re ready to move on. You’ve done your homework, found out what it means to be assertive, looked hard at how greater assertiveness might change your life, thought about your goals, and begun to deal with your anxiety. Now it’s time to start the step-by-step process of actually changing your behavior. Take it slowly and let each success strengthen the foundation for your next steps.
The Step-by-Step Process for Increasing Your Assertiveness Step 1: Observe your own behavior. Are you satisfied with your effectiveness in interpersonal relationships? Are you asserting yourself adequately? Look over your personal journal and the discussion in chapters 1–6, and assess how you feel about yourself and your behavior. Step 2: Keep track of your assertiveness. Keep your journal very carefully for a week without trying to change the way you act. Each day, record those situations in which you found yourself responding assertively, those in which you blew it, and those you avoided altogether so you would not have to face the need to act assertively. Be honest with yourself, and systematic, following the guidelines for self-assessment described in chapters 2 and 3. Step 3: Set realistic goals for yourself. Your self-assessment will help you select specific targets for your growth in assertiveness. Pick out situations in which or people toward whom you want to become more effective. Be sure to start with a small, low-risk step to maximize your chances of success. (See “When You Are Ready to Begin” in chapter 12.) Consider carefully whether the situation or person is worth choosing to assert yourself. Step 4: Concentrate on a particular situation. Spend a few moments with your eyes closed, imagining how you handled a specific incident (being shortchanged at the supermarket, having a friend “talk your ear off” on the telephone when you had too much to do, letting the boss make you feel like “two cents” over a small mistake). Imagine vividly the actual details, including your specific feelings at the time and afterward. The appendix offers many sample situations for your practice. Step 5: Review your responses. Get out your journal and write down your behavior in step 4. Make use of the components of assertiveness noted in chapter 8 (eye contact, body posture, gestures, facial expression, voice, message content, and so on). Look carefully at the components of your
behavior in the recalled incident, including your thoughts, and note your strengths. Be aware of those components that represent nonassertive or aggressive behavior. If a major element of your response involves anxiety, refer to chapter 11. Don’t attempt to force yourself into very painful situations. On the other hand, don’t avoid new growth if facing a situation is only moderately uncomfortable. Step 6: Observe an effective model. At this point, it would be very helpful to watch someone who handles the same situation very well. Observe particularly the style — the words are less important. If the model is a friend, discuss her or his approach and its consequences. Interestingly, although such “modeling” has been an important step in assertiveness training for years, only recently have brain researchers weighed in. They’ve learned that we all have “mirror neurons” in the brain that encourage us to virtually mimic the behavior of others we’re engaged with. For instance, we almost always smile back at someone who smiles at us. You can put your brain’s natural ability to work to help you mimic the effective assertiveness of your model person. Step 7: Consider alternative responses. What are other possible ways you could handle the incident? Could you deal with it more directly? More firmly? Less offensively? Refer to the chart in chapter 5, and recognize your nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive responses. Step 8: Imagine yourself handling the situation. Close your eyes and visualize yourself dealing effectively with your practice situation. You may act similarly to the model you observed in step 6 or in a very different way. (You may find it helps to “act as if” first, mimicking your model’s style. Then adjust your voice, face, gestures, and other nonverbal components to find a style that’s more your own.) Imagine being assertive but as much your natural self as you can. Develop strategies or ways of coping with any blocks in your visualization. If you notice yourself feeling anxious, calm yourself. If negative thoughts interrupt your assertion, replace them with positive
statements. “Self-correct” as you proceed. Cope with disruptions of your assertive response in your visualization. Repeat this step as often as you need to until you can imagine yourself handling the situation well. Step 9: Practice positive thoughts. Spend some time going over the material in chapter 10 again. Develop a list of several brief positive statements about yourself that are related to this situation (for example, “I’ve had job interviews before and have done all right”). Practice saying those statements to yourself several times. Remember, this is not a “script” for what to say to someone else, it is a “prompter” for what to say to yourself. As with most things in life, it’s best to begin by being assertive with yourself! (“I can do this!”) Step 10: Get help if you need it. As we have noted before, the process of becoming more assertive may require you to stretch yourself considerably. If you feel unable on your own to deal with the situations you have visualized, seek help from a qualified professional. (We suggest a licensed mental health professional — psychologist, clinical social worker, or marriage and family therapist — not someone who simply offers “assertiveness training” or “communication skills” or “executive coaching” without licensure or the professional credentials we’ve recommended.) Step 11: Try it out. You’ve examined your own behavior, considered alternatives, observed a model of more effective action, practiced some positive thoughts about yourself, and obtained any help needed to overcome obstacles. You’re now ready to begin trying out for yourself new ways of dealing with the problem situation. (Don’t skip over a repeat of steps 6, 7, 8, and 9 if needed to be sure you’re prepared, but don’t get bogged down “getting ready.”) It’s important to select an alternative, more effective way of behaving in the problem situation. You may wish to follow your model and enact that person’s approach. That’s an acceptable choice, but don’t forget that you’re a unique person. You may or may not find your model’s style one that you want to adopt for yourself.
After selecting a more effective alternative behavior, role-play the situation with a friend, practice partner, teacher, or therapist. Try to follow the new response pattern you have selected. As in steps 2, 4, and 5, make careful observation of your behavior, using an audio or video recording to review your actual behavior whenever possible. (This could be the ultimate selfie!) Don’t worry about not having your goals absolutely clear. As you try out new behavioral skills, you’ll become more aware of what you want in the situation. Step 12: Get feedback. This step essentially repeats step 5 with emphasis on the positive aspects of your behavior. Note particularly the strengths of your performance and go to work on your weaker components (review chapter 8 as needed). Step 13: Shape your behavior. Repeat steps 8, 9, 11, and 12 as often as you find it helpful to “shape” your behavior — by this process of successive approximations of your goal — until you feel satisfied that you’re able to deal with the situation effectively. These repetitions may seem unnecessarily drawn out, but it’s this practice of new responses that will make it possible for you to create new neural pathways in your brain, change your old style, and act more effectively “when push comes to shove.” Step 14: Give yourself a “real-world” test. You are now ready to give your new response pattern a real test. Up to this point, your preparation has taken place in a relatively safe environment. Nevertheless, careful training and repeated practice have prepared you to react almost automatically. You should be ready to proceed with an actual trial. If you are unwilling to put your new behavior to the test, you may need further rehearsals or help. (Repeat steps 8–12.) Now’s the time to make the all-important move from intention to action. Be assertive with yourself! And remember to select a situation that is not too “loaded.” That is, pick a test at which you’re very likely to succeed, not an important encounter with your life partner or your boss!
Step 15: Evaluate the test. Make notes in your journal to record how your real-world trial(s) goes. Note the overall result, your general impressions of your effectiveness, your SUD level (chapter 11), and details on the specific components of your behavior (chapter 8). If a friend observed you, get feedback from him or her. If you used a pocket recorder or your cell phone to capture your verbal effectiveness, listen to the recording. This step is an important part of the learning process. Don’t ignore it. Step 16: Continue your training. Repeat the procedures described above to help develop your desired behaviors in other specific situations that have given you trouble. Gradually increase the difficulty and importance of your practice situations, continuing to build on your successes and learn from your mistakes. Look over the Assertiveness Inventory in chapter 2 and the vignettes in chapter 6 and in the appendix for examples that may be helpful in planning your own program for change. Step 17: Set up “social reinforcement.” As a final step in establishing an independent behavior pattern, it is very important that you provide ongoing support and rewards for yourself. In order to maintain your new assertive skills, set up a system of rewards in your own environment. For example, you now know the good feeling that comes from a successful assertion and you can rest assured that this good response will continue. Admiration from others will be another continuing positive response to your growth. Write down in your journal a personal checklist of specific reinforcements — rewarding results — that are unique to your own environment and relationships. And reread earlier entries in your journal to track your progress over time. We’ve spelled out this step-by-step process in detail because we know it works. No one system is right for everyone, of course. We’ve emphasized the importance of systematic procedures, but we know it will only work for you if you take into account your own personal needs, objectives, and learning style. We want you to create a learning environment that will help you grow in assertiveness.
There is no substitute for the active practice of assertive thoughts and behavior in your own life — when you choose to — as a means of developing greater assertiveness and enjoying its rewards. In the chapters that follow, you’ll find many ideas for developing and applying your growing assertiveness. We urge you to keep at it and to apply the principles and procedures you’ve learned — at least a little every day.
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Chapter 14
Assertiveness Builds Equal Relationships Unity is plural and, at minimum, is two. — R. Buckminster Fuller
“Stand up for yourself” is the slogan often equated with being assertive. But there’s much more to assertive living than defending your rights. We’ve observed that positive, caring feelings are even more difficult for many people to express than stand-up-for-yourself behavior. Expressions of warmth are often held back, particularly by adults. Embarrassment, fear of rejection or ridicule, and the idea that reason is superior to emotion — all are excuses for not expressing warmth, caring, and love spontaneously. Effective assertiveness can contribute much to greater freedom in your communication of positive feelings toward others. The first edition of Your Perfect Right was devoted almost exclusively to fostering stand-up-for-yourself behavior. In a critical review of that first edition, published in the professional journal Behavior Therapy in 1971, the late psychiatrist Michael Serber, a colleague who had substantial influence on our work, noted our oversight: Certainly, behavioral skills necessary to stand up to the multiple personal, social, and business situations confronting the majority of people are imperative to master. But what of other just as necessary skills, such as being able to give and take tenderness and affection? Is not the expression of affection toward other people also assertion?… The ability to express warmth and affection, to be able to give and take feelings, including anger, badly needs…special attention. … Humanistic goals and behavioral techniques can yield both meaningful and concrete new behaviors.
In this chapter, we’ll give special attention to the expression of affection and other positive feelings. Anger comes up in chapters 17 and 18.
Your Social Brain Research on the human brain, as we discussed in earlier chapters, has brought us exciting insights into why we humans think and act as we do. One of the most exciting aspects of those findings has been the discovery of the brain connections and pathways that help to define us as social beings. Neuroscientists have been able, via such newer high-tech systems as functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), to actually view the brain activity patterns, which “light up” during social contacts. Nature Plus Nurture Some of those patterns are “hardwired” — born in us in the form of temperament — and some we learn from life experiences, particularly in our early years. “Temperament” is the term used to label inborn personality predispositions, such as one’s tendency to shyness, social facility, or aggression. Those qualities are not irreversible but will persist into adulthood if reinforced by the person’s upbringing and other life experiences along the way. The development of our social brain is centered on a complex interaction of the neural connections and patterns that come from both “nature” and “nurture.” Thus our social attitudes and behavior are governed by an integration, in the developing brain, of pathways that are there from day one with those that develop through learning over the life span. Our ability to sense, understand, and respond to one another’s feelings comes from the way our brains put together these extremely complex networks. Social Learning Pretty much the only thing we can do about our temperaments is to focus on learning all we can to get beyond the limitations we’re born with. Children who learn early in life that manipulating, overpowering, and intimidating others (aggression) pays off will use those techniques to get what they want, rather than developing socially appropriate (assertive) skills.
Similarly, children who grow up very insecure or fearful — perhaps from the early loss of a parent — also seem to have difficulty developing appropriate assertiveness. They don’t recognize, or don’t trust, their own emotions. They tend to be very anxious in social situations, and they don’t learn effective social skills. Thus it seems clear from research in neuroscience that individuals who are temperamentally inclined to be aggressive or fearful, or who fail to learn socially appropriate attitudes and behaviors in childhood, will find it difficult as adults to develop social sensitivity and effective social skills — “social intelligence.” Does that mean you can’t learn to be assertive if you fit into one of those groups? Not at all. It does mean that you may have to work a bit harder to achieve the changes you seek. It’s well beyond the scope of this book to offer a detailed explanation of the impact of brain on attitudes and behavior — and we certainly don’t claim expertise in neuroscience. What’s important in the context of our discussion of relationships is to recognize: We humans are hardwired to be social beings. There are very important differences in our individual “social intelligence.” We can develop greater social sensitivity and skill through learning. So let’s press on and learn more about how you can develop more effective social skills, with or without a temperament that predisposes you to social facility.
“What the World Needs Now…” More than six decades ago, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm defined five types of love in his classic book The Art of Loving. The book is old, but Fromm’s perspective on love is timeless. He discusses at length the concepts of fraternal love, maternal love, erotic love, love of God, and self-love. For example, he discusses fraternal love — caring for other members of the human family — which has a very different quality than the popular romantic idea of love. It is a vital and critically important aspect of our lives on this small planet. However independent we may become, we humans are fundamentally interdependent and social creatures. Effective assertive communication can build positive, equal relationships between people — the most valuable assets any human being can have.
Reaching Out
Expressing your warm feelings for another person is a highly assertive act.
Expressing your warm feelings for another person is a highly assertive act. And, as with other assertions we have noted, the action itself is more important by far than the words you use. This is even more true for expressions of caring. Nothing represents a more personal, individual expression than that which says, “You mean a great deal to me at this moment.” Here are some ways of communicating that message: A warm, firm, and extended handshake A hug, the squeeze of an arm, an arm around the shoulders, an affectionate pat on the back, the squeeze of a hand held affectionately A warm smile Extended eye contact A gift of love (made by the giver or uniquely special to the recipient) And, yes, sincerely warm words, such as “Thank you.” “You’re great!” “I really understand what you mean.” “I like what you did.”
“I’m here.” “I believe you.” “I trust you” “I love you.” “I believe in you.” “I’m glad to see you.” “You’ve been on my mind.” Not one of these messages is new to you. Yet you may find it difficult to allow yourself to do or say them. It is too easy to be hung up on embarrassment or to assume that “She knows how I feel” or “He doesn’t care to hear that.” But who doesn’t care to hear that? All of us need to know we are cared about and admired and needed. If those around us are too subtle in their expressions of positive regard, we may begin to doubt and perhaps to look elsewhere for human warmth. We asked some university students what makes them feel especially good. Here are some of their favorite experiences (notice how many involve someone else caring):
We all need positive contact with others. Therapists encounter many, many clients who are unhappy precisely because they are not getting such “strokes” in their lives. Imagine the following scenes: While you are wandering alone at a large gathering, a stranger walks up to you and starts a conversation, and you no longer feel anxious and lost.
Three days after you arrive in a new neighborhood, the couple next door comes to welcome you with a pot of coffee and a freshly baked cake. During your visit in another country, you are looking in vain for a street sign. A native appears and asks, “May I help you find something?” Take a few moments to jot down in your journal how you would feel in each of those situations. Thoughtful acts like these are not only strokes for the receiver, they also produce warm feelings for the person who reached out assertively. And not just warm feelings. Check this out: psychologist-author Daniel Goleman (2006) reports recent brain research showing that certain parts of the brain “light up” (under fMRI scanning) in special moments of human contact, such as hearing the voice of an old friend. What’s more, not only do good feelings result, but such connections actually stimulate the immune system. The result is that those with good social support systems — such as warm friendships — live healthier lives. Such initiative involves concern for the other person and some courage of your own. Yet people often hesitate to make contact for fear of rejection — a common excuse for avoiding assertions. Realistically, when you think about it, who could reject such a kindness? Often, actions like these are easier than you might suppose. As you enter a classroom, a meeting, or a bus, think how easy it would be simply to approach a vacant seat and ask the person sitting nearest, “Is anyone sitting here?” Not only have you found a place to sit (assuming the seat is available), you have begun a conversation! Having thus opened contact, you may easily proceed to find out more about the other person: “Where are you headed?” “Have you heard this lecturer before?” “My name is…” Don’t wait for others to take the initiative. Take the risk of reaching out. It’s a key means of caring about yourself and about others and an important step toward greater assertiveness and more fun.
“Thanks, I Needed That!” Sadly enough, compliments are a frequent source of discomfort — both giving and receiving. To praise someone as a person or to recognize something someone has done may be a difficult thing for you. Again, we encourage practice. Go out of your way to praise others — not dishonestly or insincerely, but whenever a genuine opportunity presents itself. Don’t concern yourself with waiting for “just the right words” either. Your thoughtfulness — the honest expression of what you are feeling — will convey itself, if you act. Simply try, “I like what you did” or “Great!” or a big smile. Saying thank you is difficult for some people. As the CEO of an organization with thousands of employees, Geoffrey was quick to criticize, but he rarely expressed appreciation directly to the people on his staff. He seldom openly rewarded, recognized, or even acknowledged a job well done. Because the chief executive was afraid to act in warm and positive ways (Perhaps he might appear “soft” or others might come to expect rewards?), staff turnover in the firm was high and morale was low. Accepting compliments — receiving very supportive statements directed toward you or about you from another person — is perhaps an even more challenging task, and it’s particularly difficult if you are not feeling good about yourself. Nevertheless, it is an assertive act — and mutually enhancing — to accept praise from another person. Think about it: you really have no right to deny another person’s perception of you. If you say, “Oh, you just caught me on a good day” or “It wasn’t anything special” or “It was an accident that it turned out well,” you have in effect said the compliment giver has poor judgment. It is as if you told that person, “You’re wrong!” Try to allow everyone the right to feelings; if others are positive toward you, do them — and yourself — the courtesy of accepting their compliments. You don’t have to go around praising yourself or taking credit for achievements that are not your own. However, when another person sincerely wishes to convey a positive comment about you, allow the expression without rejection or qualification. Try saying, at the least, “It’s
hard for me to accept that, but thank you,” or better yet, simply say, “That feels good” or “I like to hear that.” Supermodel Kathy Ireland has this to say about how to take a compliment: A compliment is a gift. It’s not relevant that you may not agree with the giver’s opinion of you. In some ways, the compliment is not even about you; it’s about the fact that someone else cared enough to think of you and to share his or her thoughts in a positive way. So the best way to handle one? With a heartfelt, “Thank you.” We agree. And, incidentally, it doesn’t hurt to offer a polite “You’re welcome” in response. What is it with “No problem”? Sounds pretty dismissive of the other person, don’t you think?
Apologies One of the early issues that assertiveness trainers used to focus on back in the 1970s and 1980s was the tendency many nonassertive people had to apologize too much. In fact, it used to be pretty common for women especially to open a conversation with “I’m sorry, but…” A correction was clearly needed for those who seemed to be sorry about their very existence. These days, however, we may have gone overboard in the other direction, leading many people to avoid an apology when one is clearly in order. It’s not self-demeaning to admit you’ve made a mistake or screwed up. In fact, it’s downright courageous and ethical to accept responsibility for your actions. You needn’t wallow in it, however. NBC TV’s Al Roker has some straightforward advice on how to say you’re sorry: Look the person straight in the eye and say, “I’m sorry.” Don’t embellish it by making excuses or trying to explain why you screwed up. Just ask for forgiveness. The important thing here is not to apologize for being yourself. You’re human; you make mistakes and come up short at times. So does everybody else. When you do mess up, apologize briefly — following Al Roker’s model — and get on with your life.
Friendship “Nancy has seen me at my worst, watched me make stupid mistakes, felt the sting of my unjustified anger, and been there when I was coming apart at the seams. It’s amazing she’s still my friend!” There is no relationship quite like that of friendship. Not so irrational as love, yet far more intense than acquaintance, friendship is perhaps the least understood of human interactions. Actual knowledge about friendship continues to be sketchy at best; most relationship research involves strangers or lovers. Yet some popular wisdom is useful in examining the bond between friends: Friends have some interests in common. Friends share an ongoing relationship, with periodic (although not necessarily regular) contact. Friends trust each other, at least to some extent, with information, money, safety, and other relationships. Friends can say no to each other and still remain friends. Friends can see — and accept — the worst in each other. Friends rarely feel they “owe” each other anything; give-and-take is without obligation between them (perhaps with some limits). Friendship is also characterized by understanding, communication, acceptance, lack of embarrassment, and trust.
Effective assertive communication can build positive, equal relationships between people.
Friendship is held within us; it’s an attitude toward another person much like love, anger, or prejudice. It requires no regular outward expression. It requires merely a feeling of commitment to the relationship. Often, the belief that the other person cares about you, that the other values the relationship as well, supports such a feeling. If we believe that we are important to each other — important enough that we think of each other warmly now and again — we will likely remain friends, even if we don’t see each other for years. It’s common to see tearful reunions at airports, parties, and homecomings between friends who have not seen each other for ages. Friendships often survive no more contact than an annual ritual holiday card! What keeps them going? Can such a relationship really be called a “friendship”? Why not? “True friendship,” says Letty Cottin Pogrebin in her book Among Friends, “describes a feeling…best captured by the word ‘soulmate’ in Aristotle’s sense of ‘a single soul dwelling in two bodies’…a feeling that can happen to any two people who are caught up in the act of being themselves, together, and who like what they see.” But what has this to do with assertiveness? How does assertive action contribute to friendship or vice versa? Consider this hypothesis: if you act assertively most of the time, you are more likely to have satisfying relationships than if you act in nonassertive or aggressive ways. We can’t prove that idea. In fact, we have not even dreamed up a research study that would allow us to test it. But our observation of assertive people over many years leads us to conclude that it’s a pretty good bet. Acting on that idea, then, and assuming that you would like to have satisfying relationships, we invite you to apply the assertive skills you are learning to the development of friendship: Take the risks necessary to build an acquaintance into a friendship. Allow your friend to see you as you are. Share something of yourself you would not ordinarily tell someone else.
Be spontaneous with your new friend, suggest an activity on the spur of the moment, really listen to what is important in your friend’s life, and give a gift for no special occasion. Ask your friend’s advice with a problem or help with a project (remembering that an assertive friend can say no and still like you). Simply tell the person you like her or him. Clear the air between you; if you are annoyed or suspect that your friend may be, bring it up. Get honest. Don’t allow assumptions to define your relationship. If the relationship can’t handle it, it probably would not have lasted anyway; if it can, you’ll be miles ahead! As adults, friendship helps to define who we are, much as family does when we are children. (The absence of friends also says a great deal about us.) Assertive action on your part can make all the difference in nurturing friendships. Maybe you’ve put it off long enough?
The Battle of the Sexes Is Over…and It’s a Draw! One of the most obvious realms of concern about equality in relationships has been that of the “battle of the sexes.” The late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries have seen major changes in how we view male-female relationships — at home, at work, in society. Times of upheaval in such ingrained social traditions as gender roles produce abundant misunderstandings and high stress levels. After all, both genders have been conditioned for generations to behave toward each other in certain ways. Hereditary, biological, and biochemical factors also have influenced each gender differently. The abandonment of traditions and movement toward equality has come with a price, and each of us may choose to pay that price with impatience and conflict or with patience and cooperation. Some popular writers — Deborah Tannen (You Just Don’t Understand and Talking from 9 to 5) and John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus) among them — have taken the position that men and women are raised in different cultures. That may still be partly true, yet we don’t agree that there are consistent differences that characterize males and females. In fact, most research in the field shows that the similarities among us are greater than the differences. There are inequalities, biases, prejudices, myths, and false beliefs within both male and female cultures, and it doesn’t help anything to assume that any of us consciously set out to cause difficulties for each other. We suggest an assertive effort — based on patience and cooperation — to bridge whatever “gender gap” you may experience in your relationships: Make equality your goal. Let each person become more aware of the characteristic attitudes, needs, and behaviors of the other, but don’t assume, for instance, “because he’s a man” that he’ll be like all the other men you’ve known.
Work on your assertive communication skills, especially listening, in order to understand and explore the uniqueness of each person, regardless of gender. Remember that, while there are a few accurate generalizations about each gender, there are even more unique things about each person. Discuss with each other what you can do differently in your relationships with the opposite gender to bridge any gap. Work on accepting and respecting each other. Learn about the masculine and feminine parts of yourself so you can improve your relationships with both genders. Treat every person with respect, regardless of gender, sexual identity, age, ethnicity, or beliefs.
Assertiveness in a Shrinking World A final note before we leave this chapter on relationships. All of us live in networks that begin with ourselves as individuals, touch family and friends closest to us, and include neighbors, membership groups, community, region, nation, hemisphere, and world. (Even the universe? We are exploring Mars!) Events that happen in the next block, the next town, in a nearby state, even across the world can have lasting effects upon our lives, including the obvious example that has been on everyone’s mind since 2001: acts of international terrorism. And we know about those events within moments, thanks to the internet, built-in cameras in cell phones, and social media, as well as traditional means such as television news. The changes, and the speed with which they come at us, are mind-boggling. People all over the globe are asserting their independence — declaring their rights of freedom and self-determination. For most, the cost is terribly high. Rebels and freedom fighters in many lands have become refugees, fleeing dictatorships, wars, and extreme poverty and seeking asylum wherever it may be available. Perhaps by the time you’re reading this, some of those issues will have been resolved — one hopes in favor of democracy and relief for the victims. As local autonomy, nationalism, and independence are increasingly asserted worldwide, let’s remember our own world citizenship in the process. The earth is small; we can’t afford to be arrogant about political boundaries, despite the ideas and actions of political officials in some countries. Relationships with others begin at home, in the neighborhood, at the workplace, in the community; but they must extend to our fellow human beings all over this tiny globe. At risk is our continued existence as a species.
Chapter 15
All in the Family: Assertiveness for Parents, Children, and Seniors When you have a problem because my behavior is interfering with your meeting your needs, I encourage you to tell me openly and honestly how you are feeling. … I will listen. — Thomas Gordon
How long has it been since you were on a seesaw? Remember how you could affect the ride of the person on the other end by shifting your weight forward or back? If you moved forward quickly, your friend would likely drop with a solid bump! By leaning way back, you could keep the other person suspended in midair. Families and other interpersonal systems have a balance system not unlike that of a seesaw. A change in one member of the family will generally upset the balance of the total system, affecting everyone. Often, families are strong “resistors” of change because of the delicate balance in family relationships, even though the system may be painful — or even destructive. Becoming more assertive is clearly a change that may upset the family balance. A passive partner who begins to express a new assertiveness introduces severe strains into the family system. The children, previously able to manipulate at least one parent easily, must find new and more direct avenues to achieve their goals. A reluctantly supportive spouse will soon be actively sharing in household chores, since the formerly nonassertive partner may have gone back to work or school full-time. Renowned psychologist Raymond Corsini tells a story of just such a client. The woman told Corsini she was “wiped out” each morning by nine
o’clock after preparing separate breakfasts and lunches for her husband and each of their three children, cleaning the house, helping with homework, and driving the youngsters to school. “Tell your family,” Corsini prescribed for her, “that your doctor has ordered you not to get out of bed until nine a.m. every weekday.” She followed the “doctor’s orders,” and when she returned for her appointment the following week, “she was a new woman. … The children had fought to get her out of bed, but she refused. In a month the husband and children were doing fine taking care of themselves.” Such changes present a difficult adjustment for everyone. The prospect of such disruption of the family balance can be a considerable obstacle to the person who wishes to become more assertive. A traditional partner may actively resist changes that demand a greater share of responsibility for the family’s well-being. For the children, a whole new set of challenges is introduced as they learn to deal with the requirements of increased selfreliance.
Out of the Mouths of Babes Assertive children, like assertive adults, are likely to be healthier and happier, more honest, and less manipulative. Feeling better about themselves, these youngsters are headed toward a more self-actualized adulthood. We favor a conscious effort in families, schools, churches, and public agencies to foster assertiveness in young people. Let’s create conditions that will tolerate — even support — their natural spontaneity, honesty, and openness, rather than sacrificing it to parental anxiety and school authority. Let us be clear: we do not suggest that parents ignore discipline and adopt totally permissive child-rearing. The real world places limits upon us all, and children need to learn that fact early if they are to develop adequate life-survival skills. However, we consider it vital that families, schools, and other child-rearing social systems view children as human beings worthy of respect, honor their basic human rights, value their honest self-expression, and teach them the skills to act accordingly. Assertive skills are valuable for children in dealing with their peers, teachers, siblings, and parents, as well as with strangers. When Mike Emmons led assertiveness groups at a local elementary school, the youngsters got enthusiastically involved and volunteered a few situations from their daily experience: “What do you do if someone pushes in front of you in the lunch line?” “My sister borrows my things without asking. What should I say?” “When it’s Joe’s turn to be ‘out’ in handball, he won’t leave.” “What do you do if someone teases you or calls you names?” “The woman I babysit for forgot to pay me. I told my mom, and she said I should call her, but I’m too embarrassed.”
The children easily understood the meaning of assertiveness. They practiced the skills and especially enjoyed being videotaped in the process. Even the children’s feedback to one another was specific and helpful. Children can learn the basics of assertiveness and apply them to situations in their own lives. Parents often have difficulty discriminating between assertion and aggression when disciplining or dealing firmly with their youngsters. Although each situation is unique, the key to defining assertiveness in family interactions is mutual respect. Children, like adults, are individual human beings. They deserve fair treatment and nonaggressive discipline. Most of the principles and procedures advised elsewhere in this book apply to the development of assertiveness in children, so we won’t present any specialized material here. How about your kids? Have you taught them appropriate assertiveness skills? Can they handle themselves with their peers, with neighborhood bullies, with pushy salespeople, with privacy questions online, with adults who might take advantage of them? Can they openly express affection and appreciation to friends and relatives? Let them tell you about the difficult interpersonal situations they face every day. Use those situations to teach and practice assertiveness skills, using the procedures you’ve learned in this book. You’ll learn a lot about them — and yourself — in the process.
They Do Grow Up, Don’t They? Independence may be the single most important life issue we all face; certainly, it is the core around which growing up revolves. Some rebelliousness is normal and healthy for teenagers and facilitates their developing independence. Families with dominant parents and inhibited teenagers may find that the teens’ necessary steps toward independent adulthood are delayed. Unresolved ties with parents — unfinished work from the teen years — sometimes restricts independence in the lives of adults of all ages. In our experience, an appropriately assertive approach by the adult “child” can clear the air, make the situation clear to the parent, and allow for the needed expression of feelings on both sides. New York psychologists Janet Wolfe and Iris Fodor (1975) offer five steps toward a new assertive mother-daughter relationship, useful for anyone who is dealing with this issue: Recognize the life cycle issues each party is dealing with (such as economic independence, menopause, retirement). Identify attitudes or beliefs that inhibit assertive communication (“Don’t talk back to your father”). Figure out the rights and goals of each party. Identify emotions (anxiety, guilt) that interfere with pursuing goals. Try out new forms of relationship (adult to adult rather than parent to child).
Grandparents Can Be Assertive Too “Whatever happened to ‘respect for your elders’?” a seventy-two-year-old retired engineer asked recently. “In my generation, kids held the door for older people. Now they crash through first and knock down anybody in their way. Same thing when you’re standing in a line, driving down the freeway, or trying to find a seat on the bus. ‘Me first, and the devil take the hindmost.’” Yep. Those of us who are “of a certain age” pretty much have to look out for ourselves, like everyone else. It’s not likely these days that anyone — at least in the United States — will step aside or hold the door or say, “You first,” unless you’re obviously disabled. So what’s a senior to do? Well, you know the answer you’re likely to get from us: “When it’s really important to you, be assertive!” And the approach to assertiveness we would advise for seniors doesn’t really differ from what we’ve been saying throughout this book. The real difference comes in terms of the situations older people are likely to experience. In addition to the usual encounters with store clerks, social groups, pushy salespeople, noisy neighbors, and so on, seniors find themselves patronized by medical office personnel, ignored by politicians, neglected by their adult children, mistreated by caregivers, and dismissed by the courts when they seek contact with grandchildren after an ugly divorce. (For an entertaining look at some of the issues and joys of aging, we recommend Eugenie Wheeler’s book The Time of Your Life.) Some of these circ*mstances — the political and medical establishments come to mind — are not likely to change much, despite your best assertive efforts. You may, however, be able to teach your adult children and caregivers a thing or two about responding to your needs. We suggest you start by reviewing your goals. What are you after? Do you really want to change the world or just to live better in your corner of it? Do you particularly want your children to spend more time with you, or are you just lonely for any company? In one interesting study, researchers at the University of Waterloo in Ontario examined seniors’ responses in a conversation with health care
workers (Ryan, Anas, and Friedman 2006). Seniors who responded assertively were evaluated as more competent than those who were passive or aggressive. The many challenges seniors confront that have implications for assertive action include such situations as: Confronting ageist remarks Discussing family issues with your adult children and grandchildren Campaigning for senior rights, including those of grandparents Receiving better treatment in the health care and insurance systems Getting more time with grandchildren Teaching youngsters (including children and grandchildren) to respect elders If you are old enough to belong to AARP, or maybe even to collect Social Security, we urge you to add such situations to your list of goals for assertiveness. Review the fundamentals of assertive behavior in chapter 5 and the step-by-step process in chapter 13, and apply those principles and procedures to situations that are specific to seniors. Finally, consider this: it’s not all about you! We urge our own grayhaired generation to keep in mind a couple of caveats: You’re the one who taught your children (and others) how to treat you. You showed them both by the way you’ve treated them and by the way you behaved toward your own parents and other elders. We seniors have no more right to be treated with respect than anyone else just because our hair is gray. Deal with clerks, caregivers, and your children as equals. They are not your personal servants. Give them the same respect that you expect to receive.
Assertiveness and Balance in the Family System Let us sum up our discussion of assertiveness in the family this way: Assertive behavior enhances both individuals and relationships for people of all ages. Honest, open, and nonhurtful assertive communication is desirable and highly valuable in families. Children and adults of all ages should learn to be assertive within the family — and beyond it. The key to successful relationships in the family — and beyond — is mutual respect. Families are teams, or systems; it’s not all about you. Remember to express your interest in and concern for what’s happening with the other members of your family. Be as assertive — or more — in supporting them as you are in asking for their support. The principles and procedures for defining and learning assertiveness described in this book are applicable to adults, children, and seniors (that is, modeling, rehearsal, feedback, practice, reinforcement, mutual respect, and individual rights). Change in family systems is more difficult, more time and energy consuming, and potentially more risky (families can and do break up) than is change in individual behavior. We encourage you to evaluate carefully, to proceed slowly, to involve everyone openly, to avoid coercion, to tolerate failure, and to remember that nobody and no approach is perfect! Do what you can to develop respectful assertive and caring relationships within your family and beyond.
Chapter 16
Assertiveness, Intimacy, and Sexuality I’m feeling great, and I have sex almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday… — Jack LaLanne, fitness guru, at ninety-three
The words “I love you,” according to author Judith Viorst, “can be translated into his willingness to lace my ski boots, and to listen to my discussion of infant diarrhea…and to not say anything at all when I’ve just done something spectacularly stupid.” Jack LaLanne’s pun on sex and Judith Viorst’s thoughts on love serve as bookends for this chapter’s discussion of sex and intimacy. You’ll find that assertiveness can improve both intimate and sexual relationships in your life. (“Wait! Aren’t those the same thing?” you may ask.)
Are Intimacy and Sex the Same Thing? Many people use the words “intimacy” and “sex” interchangeably. They define sexual expression and intimate expression in the same breath, as if they were equivalent. They’re not. Intimacy includes much, much more than sex. Think of it this way: if you put a tiny pinch of cinnamon into a bowl filled with a host of other ingredients, it adds a zing of flavor to the final outcome. Sex is like that touch of cinnamon. It adds zing, but it is far from the whole recipe. As a result of our interest in assertive, equal relationships, we’ve devoted intensive study to the factors that contribute to healthy intimate partnerships. In our book Accepting Each Other, we described six vital dimensions of intimacy. Sex didn’t make the first team. It’s important, of course, but it’s a second-string player. Don’t misunderstand. We don’t underestimate the significance of the sexual relationship. It’s just not the all-important factor lots of folks make it out to be. When anybody bothers to ask couples how important sex is to their overall happiness, most rank it below such intimacy variables as communication, understanding, and commitment. You can guess why. True intimate sexual expression is a result more than it is a cause of overall healthy intimacy. While the prevailing myth would have us believe that sex is the best indicator of a happy couple, the reality is that happiness is dependent upon the total relationship. Sex is a part, but a small part. If not sex, then what is intimacy? Here’s our definition: Intimacy is a quality of a relationship between two people who care deeply about each other that is characterized by mutual attraction, open and honest communication, commitment to continuation of the partnership, enjoyment of life together, a sense of purpose for the relationship, and mutual trust that honors and respects both partners.
Genuine intimacy is a complex blend of those six major dimensions, which also (not by accident) fit the acronym ACCEPT. This model of intimacy embodies the idea of acceptance of yourself, of each other, and of your relationship. Acceptance is truly the heart of intimacy. It’s worth noting, too, that all intimate partnerships are interdependent systems in which the two individuals, the six dimensions of their relationship, and their environment are constantly interacting. Intimacy is a vital thread that weaves through virtually every aspect of a love relationship. When it’s healthy, it helps increase a couple’s happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment, improving communication, attitudes, love for each other — and sex life.
Is That All There Is? The importance of sexuality varies with the couple involved, of course, and without a sexual relationship, a key way to express love is lost. If sex is primary, however, the relationship may be shallow — and fragile. In very intimate relationships, as between lovers, it is often assumed that each partner knows the feelings of the other. Such assumptions may lead to the marriage therapist’s office with complaints such as “I never know how he feels,” “She never tells me she loves me,” “We just don’t communicate anymore.” Therapists often help couples to build communication patterns that allow each partner to express caring feelings openly. The expression of caring won’t solve all the ills of an ailing marriage, but it can “shore up the foundation” by helping each partner remember what was good about the relationship in the first place. The late psychologist Arnold Lazarus, who taught at Rutgers University for the majority of his career, identified two dozen “myths” that create major problems in many relationships. In his book Marital Myths Revisited, Dr. Lazarus suggested that the myth “True lovers automatically know each other’s thoughts and feelings” is particularly destructive of intimate relationships. Lazarus’s advice? Don’t take it for granted! Don’t assume! Communicate! But it doesn’t help to beat your partner over the head with “selfdisclosure.” The most basic fact about intimacy is that, by its very nature, it is shared with another person; but taking the idea of “sharing” to extremes can get you in trouble. Telling your partner “everything” under the guise of “total honesty” is an exercise in emotional self-indulgence that may result in greater distance between you rather than increased closeness. Don’t sacrifice your relationship on the altar of unreserved self-expression. And if you do, don’t bother to call it “assertive”!
Assertive Sexuality In earlier chapters, we discussed self-expression as a need of all humans. Sexual expression is a key dimension of that need. Anxiety, skills, attitudes, obstacles — all are elements of sexual communication, along with the components of verbal and nonverbal behavior described in chapter 8. What you have already learned about assertiveness is a good foundation for your assertive sexual communication. The Sexual Communication Types chart (on pages 180–181) depicts four styles for expressing feelings about sexual interaction. For each style, five subcategories help narrow down our meaning: trait descriptions, inner thoughts, outer expressions, affect, and body language. There are several important considerations to keep in mind about the four styles of sexual communication: None of us is purely one type or another. Each person may lean heavily one way, but we all exhibit all four behaviors at times. Come on now, admit it, even you! You have been known to pout a little or come on too strong or ineptly fumble around, haven’t you? And, of course, there are times when you are quite confident, direct, and assured. We would all like to be purely assertive, but no one is perfect. The goal in sexual communication is to have the capability and choice to respond as you like. Many of us respond by default, lacking the skills, attitudes, or behaviors necessary to be fully aware and in control of our sexual expressions. Those who keep working at it, however, do begin to find their relationships more satisfying and fulfilling. The motivation for some behavior is beyond our awareness. We fool ourselves. Of course, we think that we always understand why we react in certain ways, but don’t be so sure. Feelings that are unresolved seem to appear in unexpected forms of behavior.
All sexual communication is two-way, or of mutual concern. This brings us back to devotion and commitment. Keep in mind your purpose. It isn’t manipulation, deceit, always pleasing the other person, or always being right. It is working things out together, realizing that you both play an equal part in your sexual communication. Body language and spoken language are both vital in sexual expression. The chart hints at the key components. Keep in mind that sexual assertiveness is much more than the words you use. Perhaps here, more than in other situations, body language is vital.
Sex Is a Social Activity New knowledge and greater sexual expressiveness bring increased responsibility. Safe sex, contraception, gender roles, sexual identity and LGBTQ issues, teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, abortion, promiscuity, prostitution, assault…society’s gains and losses related to changing sexual attitudes and behaviors are almost mind-boggling. Sex is not just something that happens between two people in the privacy of their relationship. A book on assertiveness is not the place for an extended discussion of these issues, but in encouraging an assertive lifestyle, including assertiveness in sexual matters, we must address a few of our major concerns, especially when they are topics in the news virtually every day. We don’t presume to offer solutions to these major social problems, but a few comments are in order: Each person has a fundamental human right to self-determination. It is a basic tenet of assertiveness, as discussed throughout this book, that each of us has the right to be and to express ourselves, and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process. Sex education for children belongs in the home, and in the schools, and in the media. There is no legitimate evidence that educating our young people about their bodies and about the sexual and reproductive processes increases the likelihood that they will engage in sexual activity prematurely. There is abundant evidence that lack of adequate sex education leads to unwanted teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.
We all must learn to speak to others openly about sex. Acquaintances, friends, and — unspeakably — family members commit the vast majority of sexual assaults. Each of us must learn to respect and protect our bodies and to say no directly and assertively to unwanted sexual advances. That learning should begin at an early age, preferably at home. Knowledge of safe sex practice is critically important to every adult and young adult. When the time and the person are right, it’s also time to be safe and assertive. Each of us must take responsibility for keeping ourselves and our sexual partners healthy by following safe sex practices.
Some Basic Skill Areas of Assertive Sexuality In the landscape of sexual communication, there are several key situations that repeatedly arise in relationships. Here are a few of them, along with some suggested “words of wisdom” that you may find useful. Saying no. Because of the sensitive nature of sexual communication, it doesn’t hurt to use a little empathy and understanding in the process of saying no. “I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but no, I don’t want to do that.” “I love you, but I am really too tired tonight. How about tomorrow night?” (We discuss situations that call for more than a simple no in the next section.) Saying yes. We all like a little enthusiasm, especially when we propose something amorous! “Sure. I’ll go for that!” “That sounds neat. Yes.” “Yes, let’s have intercourse tonight.” Being playful/breaking new ground. Why should sex be dull and boring or the same all the time? Why not take risks, explore with each other, and try something new? We need a freer, more imaginative, and playful approach to sexuality. “Honey, I’ve been reading this new book and I’d sure like to try some new positions tonight.” “Would you like a massage with almond oil?”
“Instead of intercourse, let’s only kiss and fondle tonight.” Listening. The above situations involve speaking out. The other side, listening, may be a lost art — especially when it comes to close, personal, intimate relationships. Take time to hear what your partner is saying. Marital therapists often assign homework to help couples improve their listening skills. For example, try repeating back what your partner says and getting confirmation that you have heard the message correctly before you reply. Then have your partner do the same thing: fully, accurately listen to you before replying. It certainly can help you to feel heard and valued. (Take another look at the section on listening in chapter 8.) Negotiating/compromising. These are skills that are helpful in all aspects of an intimate relationship. Learning to give and take, to let it be known what you need and desire, and to take turns are all necessary in assertive sexuality. To help you better understand types of sexual communication, including “typical” nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive responses, you’ll find a few sample scenarios in the “Intimate Situations” section of the appendix.
When No Is Not Enough Sexual coercion of and assault on women is a major personal and social problem throughout the world. Estimates and research findings vary widely, but it appears that at least a quarter of all women over age eighteen have experienced some form of unwanted sexual activity. Most such unfortunate events involve friends, relatives, or dates. Only a small percentage is actually committed by strangers. Too many women cannot say no and make it stick — and too many men behave like spoiled children who won’t take no for an answer. Since women are most often (though not always) the victims of unwanted sexual advances, the vast majority of programs for dealing with the problem have been directed at them. Until men begin to accept responsibility for treating women with respect, such efforts will continue to center on arming women with self-protection techniques. Assertiveness training has been used with great effectiveness in this area. Here are a few suggestions for developing your own assertive approach to preventing unwanted sexual advances: Prepare yourself by recognizing your needs and building your assertiveness skills. Talk about it openly with dates and coworkers. Be clear from the onset — set limits. Don’t create expectations. Don’t send double messages — verbally or nonverbally. Say no firmly when limits are exceeded. Demand that your partner (date, coworker) take responsibility. Leave yourself an out (don’t get trapped).
Raise your voice if you are ignored. Report violations to appropriate authorities. Take steps to improve your assertiveness in responding to such situations. Practice your “saying no” skills in a variety of circ*mstances, particularly those you’d prefer to avoid. A special note to our male readers: we urge you to consider seriously your own attitudes about women, about sexuality, about the rights of each person to self-determination, and about respect for everyone. If you tolerate or encourage other men to “prove themselves” sexually, you are contributing to the problem even if you yourself do not engage in coercive behaviors. If you assume that dinner and a show, or a few dates, or even a promise of a future relationship “earns” you the right to a sexual relationship against the will of your partner, you are still caught up in “macho mode.” Think about how you might act if you really accepted a woman as your equal in the relationship and if you were to treat her with the respect that equality demands. Then do it. President Barack Obama put it this way in a 2016 article in Glamour magazine: “It is absolutely men’s responsibility to fight sexism too. And as spouses and partners and boyfriends, we need to work hard and be deliberate about creating truly equal relationships.”
Assertiveness and Equality in Intimate Relationships We have often pointed out in this book that genuine assertiveness is a means for establishing equality in a relationship, not simply for expressing your own needs. Nowhere does that fact have more direct application than in the realm of intimate partnerships. In a relationship characterized by equality, love, and honest assertive expression, the intimate dimension can grow to immense mutual satisfaction. Without those qualities, a fulfilling intimate relationship is unlikely.
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Chapter 17
Anger 101: It’s Not a Four-Letter Word When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. — Mark Twain
Twain was half right, at least. Counting to four — or forty — may be a pretty healthy way to deal with angry feelings after all. Turns out that swearing, on the other hand, may not be such a good idea. Research now indicates that expressing anger — assertively or otherwise — may not always be the way to go. In this chapter, we’ll take a look at what’s known about anger — some of the facts, theories, and myths about this hard-to-handle emotion. In the next chapter, we’ll offer lots of suggestions for what you can do about your own anger and how you can handle anger directed at you.
There Are No Easy Answers We’d like to offer you a simple, three-step method for dealing with anger in your life. We’d like to, but we can’t. Anger is complicated, and handling it is complex as well. We all love simple answers. We elect public officials who offer glib solutions to the incredibly complex issues of the day. If only the good guys and the bad guys — like in the old Western movies — could still be identified by the color of their hats. We try to oversimplify relationships between apparent “causes” and their “effects.” We want the answer to “Why do I behave that way?” to be simple: “because you were toilet trained too early,” “because your family was dysfunctional,” “because you’re a middle child.” We search for effortless equations to “explain” the mysteries of the complex human organism. Anger is one of those things that’s an easy target for such simplistic psychology. It is variously seen as “sinful” (and therefore to be avoided at all costs), “freeing” (and therefore to be expressed at all costs), and all of the options in between. The correct answer is: none of the above.
What Do We Know About Anger? Although there is considerable controversy among professionals who work in the anger field, there are some important points of agreement: Anger is a natural, normal, human emotion. Anger is an emotion, not a style of behavior (although it is common to confuse emotions and behavior). A modest level of anger arousal is healthy — a signal that there is a problem to solve. Chronic anger can be a major health hazard. We can — and should — learn to defuse most anger even before it begins. When we must express anger, we should learn to do so effectively — toward resolution, not revenge.
What Do We “Know” That’s Not So? The six points above give us a solid foundation from which to examine a half dozen popular myths about anger that turn out to be false. Anger Myth #1: Anger Is a Behavior Let’s begin our exploration of anger myths by clearing up one widespread misconception. Anger is not a behavior, it’s an emotion. The confusion of angry feelings with aggressive behavior has made it difficult for many people to effectively handle this natural, universal, and useful human emotion. Some folks say, “I never get angry.” We don’t believe it! Everyone gets angry — that is, everyone experiences the feeling of anger. However, some people have learned to control themselves so that they do not openly show anger; they choose not to express their anger. By minimizing anger in your life and developing nondestructive ways to deal with the anger you do experience, you can make aggressive actions unnecessary. Anger Myth #2: You Should Be Afraid of Your Buried Anger Anger remains one of the most difficult emotions for many people to express. Assertive-behavior training groups often lose members when expression of anger becomes the topic. Many people have “buried” their anger for years and are terrified of the potential consequences should they ever “let it out.” They assume that any anger brought out into the open will be hurtful to others. “I’d sooner suffer in silence than hurt anyone” is the common, unfortunate plea. Yet much pain in human relationships results from anger that is unresolved. Both persons suffer. The angry one silently fumes. The other person continues to behave in ways that are upsetting and wonders why the relationship is deteriorating. But the answer to dealing with long-buried anger may not be what you think. It does not lie in pillow pounding or shouting at an empty chair, but
rather in finding ways to resolve — within yourself or outside — the problem that led to the anger in the first place. Anger Myth #3: An Angry Person Is a Human Steam Kettle For many years, psychologists and the general public believed the old Freudian myth that strong emotions build up inside us somewhere, and if we don’t vent them somehow, they’ll eventually explode. This was often expressed as “You need to get the feelings out!” The idea was that by expressing the anger, the feelings would be released and would thus prevent the health problems associated with the “building up inside.” Contemporary research has shown the steam-kettle idea to be false. We now know it doesn’t work that way. What does happen is that we remember annoying events, and our feelings of anger can be experienced again when those memories are tapped. There are important differences between a “steam kettle” of simmering emotion and a “memory bank” of stored experiences. A steam kettle needs only to release its built-up pressure; memories can be satisfied only by resolving the problem somehow. Anger Myth #4: Venting Is Good for Your Health One of the most persistent points of disagreement among anger researchers has to do with the value of “venting” angry feelings. Many theorists favor the use of pillows, foam bats, and other “harmless” devices, or shouting at an empty chair, as tools for physical “release” of angry feelings. Others point to research that demonstrates that teaching people such means of expression strengthens the angry feelings and teaches them to vent their feelings aggressively, even at “unsafe” times (such as when the other person is present and a violent fight may ensue). What’s more, contrary to the popular myth, angry feelings are not “released” through aggressive acts. The result of pillow pounding, shouting obscenities, and, yes, even football or boxing is that one simply learns ways to handle anger aggressively. The best and most current evidence clearly supports the view that venting angry feelings is not psychologically healthy.
Physical expressions of hostility do nothing to solve the problem. Banging the table, stomping on the floor, crying, striking at the air, hitting a pillow — all are devices for temporary expression of strong feelings without aggression toward another person. However, they are not effective methods for dealing with your anger. A subset of the venting myth is described in the important work of Carol Tavris, a social psychologist whose studies of anger as a social phenomenon are widely recognized as accurate and authoritative. Among the myths Dr. Tavris has identified are: Myth: Aggression is instinctive catharsis for anger. Reality: Aggression is an acquired cathartic habit. Myth: Talking out anger gets rid of it. Reality: Overt expression can focus or even increase anger. Myth: Tantrums are healthy expressions of anger. Reality: Tantrums, if rewarded, teach the child a method of controlling others. “Emotions are subject to the laws of behavior.” Dr. Tavris’s highly acclaimed Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion is one of the few books on the subject that we can recommend for further reading. (We’ll talk about a couple of others in a page or two.) Anger Myth #5: Anger Needs to Be Expressed In early editions of this book, nearly five decades ago, we encouraged readers and our clients to try physical approaches when learning how to express strong emotions, including pounding a pillow, tug-of-war with a towel, and shouting “No!” or “I’m really angry!” Later research, to our dismay, showed that when people learned those techniques, they often used them — in therapy or out — destructively. If no pillow was at hand, they might pound the nearest person!
So we shifted our emphasis to nondestructive verbal expression of anger, teaching folks to speak up without inhibition at injustices, real or perceived. But research on human emotions doesn’t stand still. Now we must once again respond to new evidence about anger. This time it’s medical science that has thrown us a curve and questioned some aspects of the “spontaneous expression” approach. The latest research comes from long-term studies of the effects of hostility on the heart. We’ll take up that topic later in this chapter. (Sneak preview: sometimes it’s better not to express your angry feelings.) Anger Myth #6: Tell Other People but Not the Person You’re Angry With All too often, people express anger, frustration, or disappointment with another person by indirect, hurtful methods. If you want to change the behavior of the other person, these approaches are rarely successful. Newlyweds Martha and John are a “classic” case. In the first few months of their marriage, Martha discovered at least a dozen of John’s habits that she disliked. Unfortunately for both, she was unable — or unwilling — to find the courage to confront John openly with her concerns. Martha instead chose the “safe” way to express her dissatisfaction with John’s behavior; she confided in her mother. Worse yet, not content with almost-daily telephone conversations with her mother about John’s shortcomings, she also used family get-togethers as occasions to berate John in front of the rest of the family. This “see how bad he is” style — telling a third person (or people) about your dislikes of another — has disastrous effects on a relationship. John felt hurt, embarrassed, and hostile about Martha’s attacks. He was angry that she didn’t choose the privacy of their own relationship to tell him directly. He was not motivated to change his habits. Instead, he responded to her aggressive approach with bitterness and a resolve to strike back — by intensifying the very behaviors she would have him change.
You’ll resolve your anger only when you’ve done everything possible to resolve its cause.
Had Martha asserted herself directly by telling John her feelings, she would have created a good foundation for a cooperative effort to change both John’s behavior and her ineffective response to it. If John had responded assertively early in the process, he might have prevented the escalation of Martha’s attacks and avoided the bitterness and growing resentment. Instead, his determination to get revenge is sure to further drive a wedge into the relationship. John and Martha seem sure bets for marital therapy or divorce court.
“Okay, Okay, Enough with the Myths: What Are the Facts About Anger?” Now that we’ve explored a few of the most popular myths about anger, let’s consider how those and other false ideas fit into the larger scheme of things. On the following page is a chart that summarizes some current notions about anger, classified under three headings: (1) facts — findings that are clearly demonstrated by careful research or are self-evident; (2) theories — ideas for which there is some solid evidence but that lack clear validation and sometimes lead us astray; and (3) myths — ideas like the six we’ve just discussed that, despite their acceptance, have been proved wrong or that appear on the surface to be accurate but contain false assumptions.
Anger May Be Hazardous to Your Health Have you heard of “type A” behavior? Back in the 1970s, California cardiologists Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman came up with the term “type A” to describe the behavior of harddriving, ambitious, angry men. These so-called type A personalities were significantly more heart-attack prone than their “type B” brethren — those whose style is more laid-back, relaxed, and easygoing. The concept was widely accepted, and tens of thousands of men tried to convert themselves from type A to type B. Later research, however, failed to confirm the type A hypothesis, and it lost respectability for a time.
Type A made a comeback around the turn of the century, qualified by an important new finding from heart patient studies. Seems it’s not type A behavior as such that causes heart problems, but hostility that is the key factor in heart disease. Psychiatrist Redford Williams and his colleagues at Duke University identified a “hostility syndrome” — a collection of attitudes and behaviors that predicts heart disease with astonishing accuracy. The Duke hostility research, with its large number of patients and based on such well-established psychological tests as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, showed three major factors in toxic anger: cynical thoughts, angry feelings, and aggressive behavior. Incidentally, most heart research over the decades has studied men, but more recent studies have turned up limited data on women, showing similar patterns. Williams’s work was presented to popular audiences in 1994 in a national best-selling book, Anger Kills, coauthored with his wife, Virginia Williams. (This is another book we recommend on anger.) Although the facts are not quite as dramatic as the title would suggest, the picture is not pretty. Chronic anger can be deadly. Colorado State University psychology professor Charles Cole is another researcher who has found a definite health risk for people who are chronically angry. Cole studied fifty heart patients and learned that, for some of them, the large blood vessels constricted (causing reduced blood flow and thus increased blood pressure and risk of heart attack) when they merely discussed subjects they were angry about. For the chronically angry — those who are angry most of the time — says Cole, the constriction of blood flow is also chronic, and heart attacks may be much more likely.
Everyone gets angry. Some people do not openly show anger.
Psychologists Chip Tafrate (Central Connecticut State University) and Howard Kassinove (Hofstra University) offer a useful “anger thermometer,”
which presents a rough scale for measuring the intensity of one’s anger. You’ll find it helpful to refer back to the thermometer from time to time as you reflect on your own anger and what to do about it.
“Why Do I Get So Angry?” You’d probably like to know more about your own angry reactions to people and events. Here are some elements to look for as you answer that question for yourself. Some factors you can’t do much about, of course, but don’t get discouraged. Several are largely subject to your control. Your genes. The data is not all in yet — indeed, it may never all be in — but the best evidence in psychological science now suggests that about half of someone’s personality is genetically hardwired. That is, we’re born with certain behavioral predispositions. To some extent not yet fully understood, our “anger threshold” is among those inborn traits. Your brain. Anger is another realm in which the brain plays a key role. (No surprise there.) But it may not be as obvious as that sounds. Among the many extremely complex dimensions of our brains is a complementary relationship among the brain’s emotional center (the amygdala, as you may recall from chapter 10), the memory coordinator (the hippocampus), and the reasoning center (the orbitofrontal cortex, or OFC, also noted in chapter 10). An angry, emotional reaction to a perceived offense may be moderated by more rational evaluation if the person has learned to “check with the OFC” before responding aloud. In short, you can train your brain to refrain from the flame and avoid the pain! (Okay, so poetry isn’t our strong suit, but you get the point anyway.) Your upbringing. Early life experiences, primarily within your family of origin, are among the most powerful influences on how you currently experience and express your anger. How did Mom and Dad handle anger? Were they quick to express it? Did they act out anger by yelling or throwing things? Or did they suppress their anger or avoid situations that might lead to conflict? Or perhaps they modeled appropriate anger expression, maintaining respect for everyone’s rights. What about your siblings? Did they treat you with respect, or were they bullies? Reflect on your early life experiences and how they may have influenced your thinking and behavior about anger.
Your environment. Let’s set the scene for anger. Where and when do you get angry? Consider the temperature, pollution, and weather. Were you caught in a traffic jam? Pushed around in a crowd? Waiting in a slow line? Do you live under political oppression? Economic hardship? Are you a member of a minority that is often treated unfairly? Lots of folks have good reasons to start the day angry. Your health. Do you have any significant disabilities? Are you fatigued much of the time? Under stress? Do you eat a balanced, nutritious diet? Have you had a physical exam recently enough to be sure that your internal chemistry is right? Any of those factors can make it more likely that you will get angry if the right trigger comes along. Your attitudes and expectations. Do you believe the world should treat you fairly? Is it important to you to have people recognize your accomplishments? Do you have a strong sense of justice? Are there certain “right” ways things should be done? Rules everybody should live by? Such attitudes, beliefs, and expectations — while very human — can set you up to get angry at the way the real world treats you and others. And what do you think about anger expression itself? What’s okay and what’s not? Is it all right to yell at your spouse but not your boss? Do you think it’s okay to throw insults but not lamps? Your job. Do you work with unreasonable people? Are you happy in your personal and intimate relationships? Is your work satisfying and rewarding? If you are out of a job, you may be close to anger all the time. Your substance use (or abuse). Does alcohol or drug use play a role in your anger expression? Various chemical substances lower your normal inhibitions and may lead to problem behaviors. Has a loved one complained about your drinking-related anger? You’d better take any such complaint seriously, even if you don’t think you have a “problem.” Have you ever had an angry outburst on the job that had to do with alcohol or drugs or their aftereffects? It’s difficult to deal effectively with your anger if you’re under the influence. Clear thinking is a prerequisite to effective social behavior.
Spend some time thinking — and writing in your journal — about the anger in your life. Look for patterns. Pay special attention to what triggers your anger and how you express it. Discovering the patterns and targets of your anger are key to understanding — and dealing with — your emotional response. You may discover that you have more control over your anger than you thought, especially if you can express it differently toward different people in your life. “But wait! You haven’t told me what I can do about my anger!” Stay tuned.
Chapter 18
Anger 102: What You Can Do About It Hello, my little anger. I will take good care of you. — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I’m confused. On the one hand you’re saying, ‘It’s not healthy to express anger.’ On the other, you say, ‘You need to resolve your anger; don’t let it become chronic.’ Which is it? Do we show anger or not? Are we simply to ‘take a deep breath’ and forget the feelings? Is it really healthiest not to even talk about our anger?” We warned you that there are no simple answers. Human emotions are incredibly complex, and there aren’t any “one-size-fits-all” solutions. There are some guidelines, however, and this chapter is devoted to helping you sort out the complexities. To begin our examination, let’s go back to the Williamses and their book Anger Kills and note their guidelines for deciding how to respond to angry feelings: “Is the matter worth my continued attention?” “Am I justified?” “Do I have an effective response?” They’re suggesting that when you begin to feel angry, you take a moment (recall Mark Twain’s advice: “count four”) to consider just how big a deal this really is and how right you really are. (In chapter 22, we provide a detailed guide to choosing when to take assertive action.) Then, if you decide that your angry feelings must be expressed, do so assertively, without hurting someone else (physically or emotionally) in the process.
Expression of your anger is not your only choice, of course. Let’s consider some alternatives.
Take Good Care of Your Anger Anger, as Vietnamese Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh suggests in the epigraph on the preceding page, is a part of us, deserving of our care. Not that it’s a good thing, but it’s a normal human thing. Nhat Hanh advocates mindfulness as an alternative to expression of anger. Accept it, own it, embrace it, recognize it as your “little anger” — a part of you — and use that recognition as a starting point for self-acceptance. Meditation and mindfulness provide a means to undo the knots that anger creates in us. “Breathing in, I know that anger is in me. Breathing out, I am taking good care of my anger,” says Nhat Hanh. Slowing down, breathing, focusing on the present moment, ignoring what went before (regret) and what may come next (worry), treating yourself with compassion — all these self-care behaviors can allow you to take care of your little anger, rather than allowing your anger to take over you. Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, whose work with mindfulness we noted in chapter 11, says, “Every time we get angry we get better at being angry and reinforce the anger habit.” Might it be time to give up your anger habit?
Accept It Most approaches to handling anger, including our own presented later in this chapter, assume that we can take action to overcome or conquer or manage our anger. Mainstream schools of therapy consider psychological health to be “normal” and argue that emotional pain — such as anger, anxiety, and depression — should be treated and eliminated. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a relatively new cognitive approach (created by psychologist Dr. Steven Hayes in the late twentieth century) that builds on mindfulness and offers a way to deal with anger by not dealing with it. (Say what?) ACT has adopted the somewhat controversial assumption that psychological pain is a normal human condition, not a malfunction to be shunned, avoided, or overcome. This approach accepts and embraces — rather than attempting to avoid or cure — emotional discomfort as a part of who we are. ACT combines acceptance and mindfulness with commitment to strategies for health-promoting behavior change. The procedures follow the mindfulness meditation path of attending to the present moment, calming the mind, breathing slowly, and — as the well-known serenity prayer advises — accepting “the things I cannot change,” including emotional pain and discomfort. University of Washington psychologist Marsha Linehan’s dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a similar adaptation of cognitive behavioral therapy methods merged with mindfulness. DBT, which grew from Dr. Linehan’s work in cognitive behavioral therapy (including some important contributions to assertiveness training), also emphasizes acceptance. Linehan recognized that, for many patients who were experiencing significant, debilitating emotional pain, changing their thoughts or working through a behavior change procedure was not bringing relief. Her “dialectical” approach helps them to balance acceptance and change, utilizing skills of mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness (aka assertiveness), and emotion regulation. Carried out properly by a qualified psychotherapist after accurate diagnosis, DBT can be a powerful system for dealing with destructive anger and other significant emotional difficulties.
Work It Out Honest and spontaneous expression aimed at resolving the disagreement can help to prevent inappropriate and destructive anger later and may even achieve your goals at the outset. When you do choose to express your anger, one of the most constructive steps you can take is to accept responsibility for your own feelings. Keep in mind that you feel the anger, and that doesn’t make the other person “stupid,” “an S.O.B.,” or the cause of your feeling. (The sidebar on page 209 has some ideas for language that may help you say what you’re feeling in an assertive way.) The central objective of effective anger expression should be to achieve some resolution of the problem that caused the anger. “Getting the feelings out” — even when that’s needed — only sets the stage. Working out the conflict with the other person, or within yourself, is the all-important step that makes the difference. That doesn’t mean pounding a pillow until you are exhausted; it means working out some resolution of the issue yourself — through relaxation, forgiveness, acceptance, attitude change, negotiation, constructive confrontation, or psychotherapy. If you take action that doesn’t help you to cope with or to resolve the problem, your anger may actually increase, whether you’ve expressed it or not. So, focus your energy on problem-solving actions. Work to resolve the issue through assertive negotiation of solutions with the person with whom you’ve been angry. If direct resolution is not possible, find satisfaction within yourself (perhaps with the aid of a therapist or trusted friend). In either event, don’t stop by saying, “I’m mad as hell!” Follow through with “and here’s what I think we can do about it.” Keep your anger in perspective. Don’t take it too lightly or too seriously. Learn what triggers it, teach yourself to “lighten up” in the face of situations that usually set you off, and develop effective ways to deal with it when it comes. Focus on working out your issues. Fortunately, there are some really helpful procedures that are of proven value. As it so happens, they fall naturally within three general guidelines: (1) minimize anger in your life; (2) cope before you get angry; and (3) respond assertively when you decide it’s worth it to express your anger.
Minimize Anger in Your Life Our first ten steps are borrowed from the Williamses’ recommendations in Anger Kills (We told you we like their work!): Improve your relationships with others through community service, tolerance, forgiveness, and even caring for a pet. Brain research has shown that good social support systems reduce the brain’s production of cortisol (bad for the heart), boost the immune system (good for everything), help good moods, and limit bad moods. Adopt positive attitudes toward life through humor, belief in something beyond yourself, and acting as if today is your last day. Avoid overstimulation from chemicals, work stress, noise, and traffic. Listen to others. Practice trusting others. Have a confidant. Make a friend and talk regularly, even before you feel stress building up. Laugh at yourself. You really are pretty funny, you know. (It goes with being human.) Meditate. Calm yourself. Get in touch with your inner being. Focus your self-awareness on this moment, not what happened before or what may come after. Increase your empathy. Consider the possibility that the other person may be having a really bad day. Be tolerant. Can you accept the infinite variety of human beings? Forgive. Let go of your need to blame somebody for everything that goes wrong in your life. To the Williamses’ ten, we add three of our own tenets to this section:
Work toward resolution of problems with others in your life, not “victory.” Keep your life clear! Deal with issues when they arise, when you feel the feelings, not after hours, days, or weeks of “stewing” about them. When you can’t deal with things immediately, arrange a specific time when you can and will. Use alcohol in moderation; controlled substances not at all. Alcohol and drugs may offer a temporary escape from anxiety, depression, and the stresses of life, but they lead away from problem solving. Moreover, they reduce inhibitions and may contribute to inappropriate and unnecessary anger expression.
Cope Before You Get Angry Anger is a natural, healthy, nonevil human emotion, and despite our best efforts to minimize its influence in our lives, all of us will experience it from time to time, whether we express it or not. So, in addition to the steps above, you’ll want to be prepared before anger comes: Remember that you are responsible for your own feelings. You can choose your emotional responses by the way you look at situations. As psychologists Gary McKay and Don Dinkmeyer put it, “how you feel is up to you.” Remember that anger and aggression are not the same thing! Anger is a feeling. Aggression is a style of behavior. Anger can be expressed assertively; aggression is not the only alternative. Get to know yourself. Recognize the attitudes, environments, events, and behaviors that trigger your anger. As one wise person suggested, “Find your own buttons, so you’ll know when they’re pushed!” Take some time to examine the role anger is playing in your life. Make notes in your journal about what sets you up to get angry and what you’d like to do about it. Reason with yourself (another good idea from the Williamses). Recognize that your response will not change the other person. You can change only yourself. Deflect your cynical thoughts. Learn effective methods for thought stopping, distraction, and meditation (ideas in chapters 10 and 11). Don’t “set yourself up” to get angry. If your temperature rises when you must wait in a slow line (at the bank, in traffic), find alternate ways to accomplish those tasks (bank online, find another route to work, use the time for problem solving).
Learn to relax. Develop the skill of relaxing yourself and learn to apply it when your anger is triggered. You may wish to take this a step further by “desensitizing” yourself to certain anger-provoking situations (review chapter 11 for more on desensitization). Develop several coping strategies for handling your anger when it comes, including deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness, acceptance, relaxation, physical exertion, stress inoculation statements, and working out resolution within yourself. Save your anger expression for when it’s important. Focus instead on maintaining good relationships with others. Develop and practice assertive ways to express your anger, so these methods will be available to you when you need them. Follow the principles you’ve learned in this book: be spontaneous when you can; don’t allow resentment to build; state your anger directly, without accusing or blaming the other person; avoid sarcasm and innuendo; use honest, expressive language; let your posture, facial expression, gestures, and voice tone convey your feelings; avoid name-calling, put-downs, physical attacks, one-upmanship, and hostility; and work toward resolution. Now you’ve developed a healthy foundation for dealing with angry feelings. You’re ready to proceed to the next section, which will help you handle your anger when it comes.
Respond Assertively When It’s Worth It to Express Your Anger Take a few moments to consider if this situation is really worth your time and energy and the possible consequences of expressing yourself. Take a few more moments to decide if this situation is one you wish to work out with the other person or one you will resolve within yourself. Apply the coping strategies you developed in step 22 above and those listed at the end of the chapter. If you decide to take action: Make some verbal expression of concern (assertively). Focus on Imessages or I-statements (see chapter 8 and the sidebar on the following page for some helpful ideas). “Schedule” time for working things out. Do it spontaneously if you can; if not, arrange a time (with the other person or with yourself) to deal with the issue later. State your feelings directly. Use the assertive style you have learned, with appropriate nonverbal cues (for example, if you are genuinely angry, a smile is inappropriate). Accept responsibility for your feelings. You got angry at what happened; the other person didn’t “make” you angry. Stick to specifics and to the present situation. Avoid generalizing. Don’t dig up the entire history of the relationship. Work toward resolution of the problem. Ultimately, you’ll resolve your anger only when you’ve done everything possible to resolve its cause.
When Someone Else Is Angry with You Okay, now you have a road map for dealing with your own anger. But one of the most important needs expressed by assertiveness trainees is for ways to deal with the anger of others. What can you do when someone is furious and directing her full hostility at you? Try these steps: Allow the angry person to express the strong feelings. Respond only with acceptance at first. (“I can see that you’re really upset about this.”) Take a deep breath and try to stay as calm as possible. Offer to discuss a solution later, giving the person time to cool off. (“I think we both need some time to think about this. Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”) Take another deep breath. Arrange a specific time to pursue the matter. Keep in mind that no immediate solution is likely. Follow the conflict-resolution strategies described below when you meet to follow up.
Thirteen Steps to Effective Conflict Resolution How can we improve the process of resolving angry conflict between people or groups? Most of the principles are parallel to the methods of assertiveness, and many overlap with our discussion earlier in this chapter of ways to deal with anger. Conflict is more easily resolved when both parties want to work things out, of course. Here is a set of proven guidelines for those who are willing to try: Act honestly and directly toward each other. Face the problem openly rather than avoiding or hiding from it. Avoid personal attacks; stick to the issues. Emphasize points of agreement as a foundation for discussion of points of argument. Employ a “rephrasing” style of communication to be sure you understand each other. (“Let me see if I understand you correctly. Do you mean… ?”) Accept responsibility for your own feelings. (“I am angry!” not “You made me mad!”) Avoid a “win-lose” position. The attitude that “I am going to win, and you are going to lose” will more likely result in both losing. If you stay flexible, both can win — at least in part. Gain the same information about the situation. Because perceptions so often differ, it helps to make everything explicit. Develop goals that are basically compatible. If you both want to preserve the relationship more than to win, you have a better chance.
Clarify the actual needs of both parties in the situation. You probably don’t need to win. You do need to gain some specific outcome (behavior change by the other person, more money, and so on) and to retain your self-respect. Seek solutions rather than deciding who is to blame. Agree upon some means of negotiation or exchange. You’d probably agree to give in on some points if the other person would too. Negotiate toward a mutually acceptable compromise, or simply agree to disagree.
Add It Up: 33 + 8 + 13 = 4 — Keys for Coping with the Anger in Your Life Almost everybody has trouble with anger, and as we’ve shown, it’s not easy to deal with this complex emotion. There are some things that help, however. We’ve offered lots of lists in this chapter, but we can boil it down for you. If anger is a problem in your life, you’ll want to go back and review the “fine print” above. Meanwhile, the equation above is not a typo. Here are four key guidelines to remember: Minimize the anger in your life. Cope before you get angry. Be assertive when it’s important to express your anger. Work to resolve conflict whenever it occurs.
Chapter 19
Must We Put Up with Put-Downs? He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce. — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Think about an incident in your life when you felt belittled. The way somebody looked at you, something somebody said, a facial expression or shrug — any of these small acts may have provoked you to question yourself: What’s wrong with me? Why did she say/do that? Suddenly, instead of feeling up, you start to doubt yourself, to feel down, perplexed, dissed. Put-downs can provoke a cloud of darkness or confusion and may stick in your mind for years. Maybe you’re already criticizing yourself: Of course I get a lot of putdowns. That’s because there is so much to criticize! Easy there. While it’s true that people scowl at looks, dress, lifestyle, mannerisms, work performance, and speech, you don’t need to compound the insult by agreeing! It’s easy to come up with ways to let people know they are not okay. Too many of us add to the problem by putting ourselves down as well. Here’s a familiar example: you’re traveling to a distant location and suddenly remember that you’ve forgotten to bring something you’ll need when you get there. What do you do? If you’re like most of us, you’ll likely let out some expletive or caustic comment about yourself. “Stupid @#$%^! How could I have forgotten?” Only the most sensitive and self-disciplined among us are able to step back, take a deep breath, forgive ourselves for being human, and look for a way to solve the problem and move on — in short, to “deal with it.” In this chapter, we’ll explore some of the most common put-down behaviors and what to do about them, specifically the direct verbal put-
down, the indirect verbal put-down, the nonverbal put-down, and the self put-down. But first, let’s take a look at the general idea of criticism.
Dealing with Criticism, Within and Without “I’m my own worst critic” is a comment that appears often in the writing and speaking of artists, musicians, and authors — most all of us at one time or another. In fact, a Google search turns up more than 50,000 hits for the phrase — not a huge number in Googleland, but notable. Most of us carry around an “inner critic” and are ready to punish ourselves for the least mistake. And maybe it’s true that we are our own worst critics, as contrasted with our best critics. The best critic is one who can offer objective feedback, factual comments that may help us to correct mistakes and improve our behavior. The worst critic is one who criticizes simply for the sake of criticizing, rather than offering useful feedback for improvement. As you consider how to deal with criticism in your life — both giving it and getting it — we suggest applying a five-part evaluation to separate the best from the worst. Ask yourself: Is the criticism based on fact or opinion? Is the criticism likely to correct errors and improve performance or is it only a put down? Is the criticism expressed in positive terms that will help motivate change? Would an objective observer consider the criticism to be fair? Is the criticism delivered in private or in front of others? The best criticism, of course, is based on fact, corrective, expressed in positive terms, fair, and offered in private. The worst criticism is based on opinion, intended to put down, discouraging, unfair, and expressed in front of other people. You could even use a simple “rating scale” for criticism, rating a critical comment from 1 to 10 as to whether it is factual, corrective, motivational,
fair, and private. When you receive critical comments — from a friend, a loved one, a boss, a coworker, whomever — do a quick rating. Then respond accordingly. If the criticism scores on the “best” end of the scale, accept it gracefully with an assertive “Thanks. I’ll give that some thought.” If the comment falls into the “worst” category, you can still be assertive, but you needn’t take it to heart: “That’s an interesting comment, but it doesn’t apply to me.” And remember that the criticism you offer to others should be subject to the same evaluation. Offer it assertively and make it factual, corrective, positive, fair, and private. Now let’s examine some typical types of put-downs and how to handle them.
Direct Verbal Put-Downs: “You Fool!” This type of behavior is obvious: another person is verbally “dissing” you. Imagine, for example, that you’re leaving an elevator and accidentally bump into someone. That person responds immediately in a hostile manner: “Watch yourself, damn it! You fool! You could have hurt me!” The intent of such an in-your-face overreaction is obvious. Should you respond? How? Here are steps found to be effective in dealing with a direct verbal putdown: Wait a moment, allowing the other person to vent feelings and to slow down. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. When you’re wrong, admit it, even in the face of insult. Assert yourself about the way the other person is reacting. Make a short comment to bring the encounter to an end. These steps will help resolve a disparaging encounter where the intent is out in the open. In the case of the elevator incident, you could first let the person vent until the angry feelings calm down. Then, as the outburst subsides (assuming the elevator hasn’t whisked one of you away), try this: take a deep breath, then say, “Sorry I bumped into you. It was accidental. I understand that you’re upset.” Try to stay calm and avoid a confrontational tone, facial expression, posture, or gesture.
Indirect Verbal Put-Downs: “Nice Work, for a Woman.” How about this one from your boss: “You did a nice job on that project you turned in yesterday. All the grammatical errors gave it a folksy quality.” Or what if your spouse says, “I love the way you look when you wear that outfit; old clothes become you.” Do you do a double take? Are you confused? What are the real meanings behind statements of this kind? Such indirect verbal put-downs are indirect aggression. In their book The Assertive Woman, Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin describe indirect aggressive behavior by observing: “in order to achieve her goal, she may use trickery, seduction, or manipulation.” They note that others react with confusion, frustration, and a feeling of being manipulated. Indirect aggressive behavior comes out as a concealed attack; Phelps and Austin label the person who behaves in this manner a “mad dog in a lamb’s suit.” Handle an indirect verbal put-down first by asking for more information. In either of the situations given above, you might reply with, “I’m not sure what you mean.” Such a response allows the other person to clarify the true intent (you may have misunderstood). Your next response will depend upon the other person’s answer. Part of your goal in the situation is to teach the person a new way of behaving toward you. If the boss responds, “Oh, I think you did a good job,” you might still want to say, “Thank you. I was a little confused. If you’re really concerned about my grammar, I hope you’ll say so. I couldn’t tell if you thought the project was good or bad.” You’re trying to teach the boss to be straightforward with you. In marriage relationships, some good-natured teasing can be fun. Too often, however, underlying hostilities come out in the guise of teasing. Your spouse may have been kidding, but there are more direct and less destructive ways. What if your spouse isn’t kidding? Imagine that her next response is even more aggressive. Remain assertive, following the steps above for direct verbal put-downs. Be prepared to go further with your assertion if the response is another put-down.
When you ask for clarification, you may get some valuable information about your own behavior. Remember that a major goal of assertiveness is to level the playing field, to permit both people to express themselves openly and honestly. It’s difficult for most of us to give direct feedback about another person’s upsetting behavior, so we often camouflage our comments in an indirect put-down. Digging deeper may help your future relationship with that person.
Nonverbal Put-Downs: Dirty Looks and Obscene Gestures “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a taunt children long have used to rebuff name-callers. What’s the best way to respond to a put-down without words — an obscene gesture or a dirty look? How should pouting and silly grins or smirks be dealt with when the person uses no words to help you verify the meaning? Nonverbal put-downs are much harder to deal with; there are no words, and you can’t really be sure you accurately read the nonverbal message. If another person aims an obviously aggressive nonverbal put-down toward you, try to get the person to use words instead of gestures. You might say assertively, “I’m not sure what your look/gesture meant. Could you translate that into words for me? I don’t want to misunderstand what you’re trying to say.” Again, remember to avoid confrontational nonverbal behavior yourself. Be prepared for a verbal put-down at this point and respond according to the suggestions above. The nonassertive nonverbal put-down is the least direct of all. If someone begins to stare off into space or grin, the intent is not as obvious as it is with the person aggressively shaking a fist in your face. Imagine you are about to pay for a purchase when the cashier looks at you, rolls her eyes, and sighs in an exasperated way. You may wish to write it off as nothing personal or merely assume the cashier is having a bad day. If you’re bothered by the incident, however, why not deal with it directly? Ask him to explain: “I didn’t understand your expression,” or “I’m not sure what you mean by that,” or “Did I do something to provoke that look?” or perhaps, “Hard day?” This puts the nonverbal action out in the open, offering a chance to clear the air. If you’ve done something that bothers somebody else, you deserve to know. Your next response will depend on what happens then, but it’s a good idea to point out to others that it’s difficult to interpret their nonverbal messages.
Self Put-Downs: “I’m Such a Jerk.” Conflict with others, such as those described above, is only half of the picture. Inner conflict can also result in put-downs. The offender in this case is you. Put-downs are generated by conflicts, external or internal. The solution is the same: be assertive. You can behave nonassertively or aggressively within yourself as well as toward others. Be careful how you deal with yourself. Don’t ignore (nonassertively) your inner put-down behavior, but don’t condemn (aggressively) your inner thoughts and feelings either. Be assertive — honest, open, and straightforward — with yourself. Use the situation as a chance to get to know yourself better. You’re not stupid, but you likely do “stupid” things at times. You’re not a jerk, though once in a while you may do something to embarrass yourself. Don’t exaggerate your faults. It’s not awful or terrible if you screw up once in a while. It’s human. Get over it.
Get Past It and Move On No one likes to be criticized, but if the criticism is factual, corrective, positive, fair, and private, we can handle it, and we’re likely to be motivated to make changes for the better. No one likes the conflict generated by put-downs, but by risking an open and straightforward clarification, with the other person or yourself, the upset can be resolved. “Put your assertive foot forward.” Don’t ignore or run away from criticism or put-downs — your own or another’s. Turn the situation positive. Be persistent, clarify, and bring your feelings into the open. It takes some effort to get past feeling hurt and withdrawing, or lashing out, in response to a put-down, but the rewards are worth the effort. Do you have to put up with put-downs? No! You can learn ways to respond assertively, clear the air, express your feelings, resolve the conflict (real or imagined), and gain new information about yourself and your relationships.
Chapter 20
Assertiveness Works at Work Too Worthy are the labors which give us a sign other than age to show that we have lived. — Leon Batista Alberti (1424)
“Do the right thing,” says Gretchen Bataille, former president of the University of North Texas, “even if it causes you grief at the time.” Dr. Bataille served as chair of the Iowa Civil Rights Commission in the late 1970s and found herself at the center of controversy as an advocate for equal opportunity for girls in school basketball programs. Her efforts cost her the commission spot — the governor did not reappoint her — but were instrumental in long-term changes that opened doors for girls seeking to play in a full-scale basketball program and thus qualify for college scholarships. “Although unpopular at the time, our actions made [the] future possible,” she observes (quoted in Roark 2007). Most of us are not in a position of influence comparable to Dr. Bataille’s, but we can agree that being assertive on the job can be difficult at best. Fear of reprisals from supervisors or coworkers, even fear of losing the job itself, are formidable obstacles. In recent years, there has been a lot of press about difficult relationships between employees and employers. Stories of whistle-blowers, Supreme Court decisions limiting employee rights, employee petitions for flextime and part-time assignments to accommodate family needs, parental leave for both men and women, on-the-job safety and protection for hazardous occupations, shrinking health and retirement benefits, job stress, workfamily integration, racial and gender discrimination in hiring and wages… the list goes on. Does assertive behavior have a role in any of this? There are, in fact, countless ways to express yourself assertively at work. Realistically, we recognize that the obstacles can be major, but we
have seen many successes, so once again, we encourage you to assess the potential for making things better in your own work life. In this chapter, we’ll explore several dimensions of on-the-job assertiveness and offer some examples to help you see how assertiveness can “work” for you.
Assertiveness in the Workplace Let’s start with a few general ideas about how you can practice assertion on the job: Put off procrastination. Improve your decision-making skills. Negotiate more effectively. Deal with angry customers, bosses, coworkers, and other difficult people assertively. Learn to say no so you’ll not lose yourself. (Most organizations will take all you’ll give and expect more. If coworkers know you can say no, they won’t be reluctant to ask you because they know they won’t be “imposing.”) Be persistent: plant a seed and nurture it. Be patient. Assertiveness is not necessarily being in a hurry. Speak up about health and safety issues in the workplace. You may risk your job, but that beats risking a limb or a life. Improve your time management by taking more control of yourself and your schedule. Stay well informed. Read everything you can about your field — innovations in manufacturing, marketing, or service delivery. If someone in your department is caught by surprise with a new idea, make sure it isn’t you! Be assertive about goal setting on the job. Realistic goals, assertively pursued, are more likely achieved.
There are, of course, those who would make it difficult for you to express yourself openly on the job. (No news there!) Such obstacles may come in the form of manipulation (ignore these), unreasonable requests (simply point out the unreasonableness), and reasonable requests (that you may not be able to handle and you will thus need to say so). Sometimes performance anxiety becomes a problem in the workplace. Overcoming anxiety was the original reason for assertiveness training and is still an important application of the process. Making public presentations, for example, is reportedly the number one fear of Americans. That fear can be “desensitized” by taking gradual steps toward expressing yourself to others, beginning with one or two friendly folks and working up to a larger group of colleagues or strangers. Problem solving, negotiation, and conflict resolution on the job can be aided through creating an atmosphere that allows — even encourages — constructive disagreement. As different ideas are expressed, it becomes possible to work out compromises that build the strengths of everyone’s contributions. Solutions that are the result of a number of people brainstorming are often winners; letting all thoughts come out without censorship or critique stimulates creative juices. We’ve arranged the balance of this chapter in its natural sequence, from the process of job and career search, through landing a job, working well with others, to being a supervisor. The chapter concludes with some questions about your priorities and a potpourri of work situations for your own assertiveness practice. It may help to read all of the material, or you may prefer to turn directly to that aspect of job-related assertiveness that fits your current interests and needs.
Job Search When we graduated from college (back in “olden times”), jobs were plentiful for anyone with a degree. Things have changed a lot. Although government statistics suggest that unemployment is down at the time of this writing, jobs can still be tough to get in many fields, with or without a college education. Widespread layoffs have resulted as large corporations outsource jobs abroad, merge, or downsize. Smaller firms, the source of most jobs, are finding it difficult or impossible to stay afloat among the giants. Competition among job hunters can be fierce, particularly for those who are looking for work after a couple of decades of experience in a shrinking field. Looking for a job can be a full-time job in itself. Many people seem to expect to put out a few applications, make a few calls, have an interview or two, and land the job of their dreams. Unfortunately, that is a dream. Finding the work you want takes work — and assertiveness can be one of your most useful tools. In his best-selling book What Color Is Your Parachute? Richard N. Bolles presents a comprehensive plan for “job seekers and career changers.” His counsel is as good as you’ll find anywhere and applies the concepts of assertiveness with a broad brush. Bolles’s innovative and practical ideas will help you learn about your own career desires and needs, locate opportunities, make contact with employers, handle interviews, and land the job you want. Here are some of Bolles’s recommendations for an assertive approach to careers: Plan your career and your job search with a clear goal in mind: decide what you want to do, where you want to do it, and for whom. Seek out activities you enjoy: you’ll go after them with more enthusiasm, do them better, and be satisfied longer. Claim the highest level of skill you legitimately can: you are more likely to find a job, and the job can be more uniquely tailored to
you. Find and meet the employer you want to work for: show the person who has the power to hire you just how you can help fill the needs of that organization.
Interviewing Even if you have followed Bolles’s advice and created your own job, you’ll likely go through some traditional interviews along the way. Now at last an employer has offered you an opportunity to meet and discuss an opening! You’ve worked hard for this chance to tell what you can do, and you are really looking forward to it. You are pretty anxious too. After all, getting the job depends largely upon how well you present yourself in that short meeting. Assertiveness can help. We suggest you take it as it comes: Before the Interview Follow the principles we’ve described in this book to develop your own ability to present yourself well. Prepare yourself to deal with anxiety by practicing cognitive restructuring and relaxation (chapters 10 and 11). Everybody has some preinterview jitters; don’t let them be a major obstacle for you. Write down and memorize three or four key strengths you want the interviewer to remember about you; be sure to relate them specifically to the job in question. Practice interviewing with a friend or counselor. If you can, use a video camera and recorder to capture a sample of your own style. Watch the video and let that feedback help you become even more effective. Pay attention to the nonverbal components of behavior we described in chapter 8. Do your homework. Find out all you can about the company from its website, product catalogue, employee friends, and public relations and human resources offices.
At the Interview Approach the interviewer with a friendly but not-too-well-rehearsed style. Remember that most employers would rather hire someone with a strong desire to work and to contribute to the organization than a “star” who may try to outshine the current staff. Try to relax, enjoy yourself, and get acquainted. Let the interviewer know you’ve done your homework, have prepared for the interview, and have learned something about the company. Ask good questions about the working environment, staff morale, advancement, employer expectations, and future directions for the firm. Avoid asking obvious questions you should have answered for yourself in your advance preparation (company product line, details about retirement and health benefits, and so on). Leave the interviewer with a sample of your work or some other device that will cause him or her to remember you and your talents. (Don’t assume a standard résumé or application will do this job for you.) After the Interview Drop a note to the interviewer, expressing your appreciation for the meeting, calling attention to any important facts about you, and mentioning details that may have been missed in the interview. Spend some time assessing and critiquing your own performance, so you’ll be ready to do even better next time.
Continue to contact other employers and to arrange other interviews until you land the job you want! After you accept the job, dedicate yourself to doing it well, but don’t cut off the contacts you’ve established with other employers. You never know.
Can the “New Kid on the Block” Be Assertive? When you do get that new job, it is important to start out by listening a lot. You’ll need to find out as much as possible about the rules of the workplace, the attitudes and opinions of your supervisors and colleagues, the safety factors of the job, the expectations of your role and how it fits into the larger scheme of things, and much more. But listening alone probably will not be enough to give you all the information you’ll need. As you begin to learn your way around a new place of employment, it will be important to ask questions as well. And that’s where assertiveness comes in once again. Remember to maintain balance. You want to seem interested in the job, to show the boss and others that you are conscientious. At the same time, you don’t want to be a constant nag, demanding more and more information — much of which may not even be relevant to your own work. We suggest the following guidelines: Be prepared. Don’t expect your boss or coworkers to fill the gaps in your own preparation for the job (unless you are clearly in a training program). Ask your supervisor and coworkers the questions you must have answers to in order to do the job. Don’t be too quick to ask, since you may be told when the subject comes up in turn. Make notes of other items that occur to you, then ask them when the subject comes up. Ask your boss about asking questions. Does she or he prefer that you ask immediately, or in a regular conference, or when? When you do ask questions, be assertive. Don’t beat around the bush, don’t start out defensively (“This may be a dumb
question…”), try to focus your question on the specifics, and use good eye contact, voice, and timing. Avoid suggesting changes until you are well acquainted with the operation. Avoid the temptation to describe “how we did it at Acme Widget” (or wherever you worked before) unless you’re asked. Better to let it be your own idea — or let it go all together.
On-the-Job Relationships Getting along with others at work is essentially a process of making a place for yourself in the work group. At home, the family has little choice but to accept you. In school, although acceptance of your peers can be a tough burden, you’re the one without choice: you have to be there. The job, for most of us, does offer some choices. Unlike family or school ties, one can quit, although the price for doing so may be high. Getting along becomes a matter of deciding to make a place for yourself. And that means developing a relationship of mutual respect with your coworkers. Here are some ideas that may help: Stay honest; avoid game playing. Count to ten before you sound off in anger. Listen to what the other person has to say — even if you disagree. Ask yourself, “How would I feel in this person’s shoes?” Express your opinions, but remember they are opinions. Others will have different ideas. Consider: is it more important to be a “star” or to get the job done? One of the most famous motivational lines ever — often quoted but first credited to President Harry S. Truman — goes like this: “It’s amazing what can be accomplished if no one cares who gets the credit.” Be assertive when it matters. Accept responsibility for your mistakes — and credit for your successes. A couple of practice situations for you to think about:
A coworker has been taking company supplies home for personal use. She knows you are aware of this and expects you to say nothing. The woman at the next desk loves to chew gum — loudly. You find the noise annoying and distracting. A senior colleague has made repeated sexual comments and suggestions and frequently finds opportunities to touch you inappropriately. A couple of your coworkers spend lots of company time gossiping and chitchatting about their gardens and their children. You see their productivity suffering.
Dealing with Supervisors Some bosses act as though they would have been happier in an earlier era, when all employees were virtual slaves. For the most part, however, the workplace has become quite civilized — even humanized. Supervisors still oversee, but they generally follow modern law and custom — and their own good sense — in treating their workers with respect. Nevertheless, there are inevitable situations in which it is necessary, as an employee, to express an idea, opinion, or objection firmly in the face of opposition from the boss. Be prepared for criticism. Don’t get caught in the trap of coming down on yourself every time you are criticized on the job. You may be wrong, but the way to deal with the situation is to correct the problem, not to kick yourself. Help your boss to make criticism specific, so you can make the adjustments needed to improve. Assertive efforts to clarify the boss’s expectations and criticisms will help clear the air and will enable you to become more effective. If instead you act like a “victim” — mumbling to yourself or backbiting — you’ll make no progress and will likely make a powerful enemy along the way. Try to identify patterns in your boss’s critiques. If you think you discover one, ask assertively if that is what the boss wants (“You’d rather have all the supporting data presented with my recommendations, wouldn’t you?”). If you clear up any possible misunderstanding in this direct way, you’ll save time — and similar criticism — in the future. Timing may be the most important component of your on-the-job assertiveness, especially with the boss. If you confront a supervisor in front of others or when the boss is very preoccupied with another problem, you aren’t likely to gain a favorable audience. Instead, plan — and schedule, if necessary — your feedback to the boss so that you can be alone and relatively uninterrupted. It bears repeating: do your homework! These days, with the almostinfinite amount of information on virtually every possible subject that’s available online, there’s no excuse for “incomplete staff work.” When you approach the boss, don’t offer only complaints. Be ready to present — and
defend with facts — specific recommendations for any changes you think would improve things. Here are a few other examples of situations with supervisors for practice: You want to offer an innovative suggestion for simplifying a routine procedure. Your boss is making unreasonable demands on your time, without offering additional compensation. You believe you are being unfairly criticized for the quality of your work. You know more about the job than your boss does, yet she wants you to do it her way. Your boss is asking you to do jobs that you believe are his responsibility. Your boss expects you to prepare “phony” expense accounts. You’ve been asked — at 4:45 — to stay this evening and prepare a report for tomorrow’s board meeting. You have plans for the evening.
Supervising Assertively Now you’ve done it! You’ve been so effective with your on-the-job assertion (along with some pretty good work!) that you’ve been promoted. Now you’re the boss. New responsibilities, new opportunities…new headaches! How do the principles of assertiveness apply in the supervisory role? Can you get the job done, treat your staff with respect, and exercise appropriate authority — all at once? There are many theories of management and hundreds of good ideas about how to supervise others. While this is not the place for a comprehensive survey, the following guidelines blend our concept of assertiveness with some of the best: Build your assertive managerial style on the foundation of good onthe-job relationships described earlier in this chapter: honesty, responsibility, cooperation, teamwork, mutual respect. Listen — and pay attention — to what your people have to say. Roll up your own sleeves and work with your staff. Walk around — and find out firsthand what is needed. Remember that we’re all equal on the human-to-human level. Make your instructions clear and direct. Accept the responsibilities of leadership, including decision making. Criticize fairly, focusing on the performance, not the person. (Take another look at the discussion of criticism in chapter 19.) Praise often, focusing on the performance, not the person.
Consider that a manager must both lead the staff and provide necessary support. Include the following resources in your supervision “toolkit”: teambuilding skills, clear communication of your expectations, employee motivation strategies, encouragement of assertiveness in your staff, and clear performance standards. Here are a few supervisory situations for practice — and to help you keep things in perspective: One of your employees has made a thoughtful proposal for a new work procedure. You recognize the idea as one the general manager would probably veto because of its start-up costs. A supervisor of your rank from another department comes into your area and wants to borrow some equipment. Company policy prohibits such transfers. You are confronted by a young trainee who refuses to follow your directions. An employee under your supervision is not working up to your standards. You wish to improve his performance. Performance reviews are due next week. You must critique a longtime colleague whose work is weak in several areas. As a new crew chief at an assembly plant, you are responsible for the work of several men old enough to be your father. At least one of the men believes his ways are right and refuses to accept your authority. A longtime employee in your department has been coming to work late nearly every day this week, with no explanation. You recognize that one of your workers is an alcoholic, but she won’t admit it or seek treatment.
Keeping Your Priorities Straight Work can be really seductive. If you enjoy what you do and if you are good at it, you’ll probably be advancing in salary and responsibility frequently. As a result, you’ll feel motivated to take on even more, and the cycle will go on. That sort of involvement with your work can play havoc with your personal life — if you let it get out of hand. More and more, you’ll take work home, stay late at the office, go in on weekends, and take business trips. You could wind up with little time left for yourself or your family. Can you be assertive with yourself? Can you elect to pass up career advancement opportunities in favor of more time for home and family? What are your priorities? It’s easy to say, “My family comes first.” It’s harder to act accordingly. Others won’t settle for less than “having it all.” Career, family, community, self — all are juggled like oranges, at least for a while. The stresses of the real world seldom allow us to maintain that precarious balance for long. Being assertive with yourself means clarifying your personal priorities, recognizing you cannot do everything — at least not all the time — making appropriate choices, and saying no when you’ve reached your limits. Keep your own goals in mind. (Refer to your journal as you need to. Still keeping a journal, aren’t you?) Test yourself with a few related situations. What’s really important to you? You’ve been offered an important promotion with your present firm. Actually, you’d been thinking of leaving, but the outside job you want is not yet available. You spend more and more evenings and weekends working on job reports. Your family is beginning to complain that you have no time for them. You think you have an opportunity for a major promotion if you keep up the pace.
You want to continue your successful career, but you know that your only step up in the company will require going back to school for additional course work in business — maybe an MBA. Such a step will require postponing plans to have children, which you and your spouse want very much.
More On-the-Job Situations for Practice Use the step-by-step process in chapter 13 as a guide to build your skills and practice handling the following work-related situations: Your boss suddenly turns cool toward you but offers no explanation. You want to ask what’s going on. Although you have been in your job longer than anyone in your department, you are a part-time worker. Nevertheless, you are often called upon to train others or answer questions as if you were a supervisor. You are paid less and have no real authority. You’ve had several job interviews recently but keep finding yourself acting in a very passive way. The interviewers seem disappointed that you do not “sell” yourself. A manager in another department — very powerful in the company — has been making not-so-subtle sexual advances toward you. After you’ve spent many hours on a special report, your boss’s supervisor is highly critical of your results. You’ve been asked to handle a job that is clearly outside your responsibility and beyond your competence. You think it may be a “test” of how well you know your own limits. You’d like to start working from home — telecommuting — at least a couple of days a week. Your boss has been resistant to the idea, but you have kids and it’s hard to get good child care every day. You do much of your work on a computer anyway. Even if you are not working regularly now, chances are you will be sooner or later. Give some thought to the issues raised in this chapter. Use your journal to keep track of your own on-the-job assertiveness and how
you can improve it. You’ll be more effective in your work and more highly respected by your peers and supervisors, and you will enjoy yourself more!
Chapter 21
Dealing with Difficult People Don’t interrupt me when I am interrupting! — Winston Churchill
You know the type: He leans on your desk, glares, and says loudly, “Just how long is it going to take me to get some help around here?” She comes over from next door whining, “Are you folks ever going to clean up your yard? You know, your place is the only one on the block that…” He calls your business and demands immediate service, an extra discount, and extended terms. “And if you can’t help me, I want to speak to the owner.” She can’t wait to corner you at the open house: “Did you hear about Fred and Betty?” she hisses. “Wilma told me that they…” What is a “difficult person”? Anyone who doesn’t behave as expected. We do, after all, have some unwritten “rules” about appropriate behavior in our society: be fair; wait your turn; say “please” and “thank you”; talk in conversational tones and volume. Difficult people ignore those mores or act as if they are exempt, often while they expect you to live by the standards they’re flaunting. They’re usually loud, intrusive, impolite, thoughtless, selfish, and, well, difficult! What do difficult people get out of being that way? A workshop participant gave one of our all-time favorite answers to that question: “The biggest cookie.” They also usually gain control, get their way, and get attention.
Why do we give these troublesome folks what they want? Well, for one thing, it’s usually easier than hassling with them. Most of us don’t have the skills, the time, the energy, or the inclination to try to put such people “in their place.” Sometimes, they show up in a business context, where the policy may be that “the customer is always right.” (Incidentally, we don’t happen to think that’s an enlightened perspective. Nobody is always right. A more workable view is that “the customer is always the customer” and the business is advised to treat customers well, fairly, and promptly.) Other times, it seems more trouble than it’s worth to try to confront such people. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll change them, anyway, and you may even get into trouble for taking them on. So what to do? Actually, there are a few approaches that can pay off. In this chapter, we’ll consider some of the possibilities.
What Do You Think? What are your thoughts when a “difficult” customer, neighbor, or coworker confronts you? What goes through your mind? Here comes that S.O.B. again. Uh-oh, I’m in trouble now. What does he mean? We’ve got to fix that problem. Let me out of here! No problem — I can handle it. Take a deep breath. How embarrassing! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard today. Your thoughts set the scene for how you’ll respond to a difficult situation. Consider your own first reactions — and reread chapter 10 for ideas on developing more constructive thought patterns — as you take a look at the options for action outlined below.
How to Deal with Bozos The following discussion offers a “smorgasbord” of action steps you can take when confronted by someone who’s trying to push you around. Draw on those that seem to fit your style and life situation, and put together a response plan for your own “difficult people.” You may never need to fear them again! 1. Changing Your Cognitions, Attitudes, Thoughts: “It’s All in How You Look At It” Preconceptions, attitudes, beliefs, prejudices — all kinds of preconditioned thoughts are influential in determining our responses to daily situations. Those ideas may be about the way life is in general, the way your life is, or the way this particular person is. For example, if you believe that life is fair, that things work out for the best, and that people are basically good, you’ll probably respond very differently than you would if you believed that life is not fair, things usually go wrong, and people are no damn good. Stress inoculation (first discussed in chapter 10) is one procedure for dealing with cognitive responses. It involves systematic development of selfstatements that will help you change your thoughts related to specific situations and people. The following examples are grouped according to four stages of a difficult event.
2. Dealing with Your Anxiety: “Dentist’s Chair Syndrome” or “If You’re Going to Get Drilled Anyway, You Might as Well Lie Back and Enjoy It” A hostile confrontation usually causes the adrenaline to pump — at least at first — and raises the anxiety response. There are several actions on the “anxiety track,” including: Run away Tense up and freeze in place Relax and breathe deeply Systematic desensitization (preparation before an anxiety-producing event by deconditioning) Refer to chapter 11 for helpful ideas for dealing with your anxiety before and during a difficult situation. 3. Taking Direct Action: “Don’t Talk to Me Like That!”
Assertive and aggressive responses fall into this category of action options: standing up to the attacker, saying you will not put up with such abuse, asking why he is so upset, ordering him out of your office, asking who the hell he thinks he is, telling him to go to hell, and so forth. Handling the situation this way involves facing the person directly; speaking up in a firm voice; using posture, gestures, and facial expressions that appropriately convey your determination not to be pushed around; and taking the risk of possible escalation. “When you come at me that way, I’m not moved to do what you ask.” 4. Syntonics: “Tune In, Turn On, Talk Back” We discussed “verbal self-defense,” developed by Suzette Haden Elgin, in chapter 8. Syntonics procedures involve getting in tune with the attacker, acknowledging her point, and indicating your empathy with her emotion — but not giving in. Techniques include: Matching sensory modes (sight, smell, hearing): “Do you see what I mean?” “I hear you.” “That doesn’t suit my taste.” Ignoring the bait while responding to the attack: Attack: “If you really wanted to do a good job…” Response (ignoring bait): “When did you start thinking I don’t want to do a good job?” Psychotherapist Andrew Salter, our late friend, said it this way: “Never play another person’s game. Play your own.” This process is a sort of “applied go with the flow” — letting the other set the pace and style, but not going along with her or his intent. Your action is firm but not oppositional. Such behavior makes you definitely not “fun” to pick on. Your objective here is to take control — to play your own game. 5. Lifemanship: “What’s That on Your Cheek?”
Stephen Potter’s “lifemanship” systems, including “one-upmanship,” offer ways to throw your antagonist off-balance. In his books, Potter suggests, among other things, getting the advantage before you are attacked: “Is something wrong?” (looking at a spot on the other’s forehead) Staring at some spot on the other person without saying anything, then denying — when asked — that anything is “wrong.” “That ball was out!” (in tennis) “Of course I had a reservation, guaranteed on my Visa.” “When I had lunch with the lieutenant governor last week, he suggested…” 6. Solutions: “No-Fault Insurance” Here, your response is to ignore any emotional content of an attack, to simply deal with the substantive issues involved, and to seek solutions to the problem: “I can see we need to work out a solution to this situation.” “There really is a problem here. What do you suggest we do to avoid similar circ*mstances in the future?” “Let’s take a look at the data and see if we can come up with some answers.” 7. Withdrawal: “The Engagement Is Off!” This approach involves either saying something simple and direct, such as “I’ll be glad to discuss this with you another time, when you’re not so upset,” or saying nothing at all and simply leaving the scene. Some situations are not worth the energy it would take to resolve them at the time. This is especially appropriate when the attacker is rational but
totally unreasonable. Confronted with a violent person, of course, your best strategy is to escape without saying anything. 8. Humor: “And the World Laughs with You” Humor is almost always appropriate. It works best, of course, if you have a natural joking style and are good with one-liners, so you can disarm anger or attack with a funny line. It doesn’t mean telling jokes that might be funny under other circ*mstances. Ask yourself: How would Jon Stewart handle this? Ellen DeGeneres? Steve Harvey? 9. Knowing Your Audience: “Not in Front of the Children” “A time and a place for everything” applies here. You may wish to offer an opportunity to discuss the matter at length in private, but point out your unwillingness to pursue it in front of others, since both parties may find it awkward and a rational solution may be less likely. 10. Requesting Clarification: “Say What?” This approach amounts to a simple, direct request for clarification (especially if it is repeated a couple of times), which can de-escalate a situation and help put you in control. “I’m not sure I understand.” “What exactly is it that you want?” “Would you explain that to me again?” Again, your goal is to gain a measure of control, to prevent manipulation, to play your game. 11. Changing the Scene: “Build a Level Playing Field”
Particular individuals — maybe even some in positions of power — may regularly, predictably cause you grief. Or perhaps specific reoccurring situations — such as a routine on your job — are likely to produce certain kinds of problems. Then you may need to work with others to establish some institutional or departmental support systems that “cut ’em off at the pass.” Such systems might include: Behavioral ground rules for meetings Standard procedures for how you’ll serve people Policies you apply uniformly Collective/departmental action to effect institutional change
The Situation Is Serious, but Not Hopeless Here is a summary of guidelines and procedures that can help when you’re confronted with a particularly difficult person or situation: Direct your efforts at solving a substantive problem, not “taking care of” a difficult person. If you insist on one “winner,” there probably won’t be one. (And if there is, it may not be you!) De-escalation of loud voice and angry gestures is usually best accomplished by modeling; lower your own level of emotional behavior, and you’ll probably affect the other person’s actions. (Do you remember the mirror neurons we mentioned back in chapter 1?) Your approach to these situations should be your own as much as possible — a good fit with your natural style. All the ideas here are legitimate, but only some will work for you. Preparation in advance is a big help. Learn deep breathing and relaxation techniques, cognitive restructuring, and assertive skills. A confrontation is not the time to start practicing! If you’re going into a situation where it’s likely you’ll confront a difficult person, set up some ground rules in advance to cover typical problems (like time limits for “talkers” in a group meeting). If there are particular individuals in your life who are predictable problems, you can practice methods that are custom designed for responding to them. Get to know yourself and your own triggers for emotional response. As psychologists Albert Ellis and Arthur Lange suggest, find your own buttons, so you’ll know when they’re pushed! So-called I-messages really can help — take responsibility for your own feelings without blaming the other person. (For more on this, refer to chapter 8.)
Acknowledging the other person’s feelings while seeking a resolution is usually helpful. (“I can see you’re really upset about this.”) But be especially careful not to patronize or come off sounding like a tooempathetic counselor. It’s often not possible to solve a situation on the spot. Look for a temporary way out so you can seek a solution in a calmer moment. Remember, you do have some options for action. Any of them can cause you more trouble with a difficult person if you become a manipulator, so apply them sensitively — but firmly — and with the main goal of getting on with your life.
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Chapter 22
Deciding When to Be Assertive — or Not Two roads converged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference. — Robert Frost
Remember Thomas Friedman’s airport bookshop story in chapter 5? You’ll recall that Friedman asserted his place in line a few years ago, but he says he’d handle the situation differently today. Things have changed. Throughout this book, we’ve emphasized that assertiveness is, first and last, a matter of personal choice. Don’t “assert yourself” just because you can. Don’t “assert yourself” every time life rankles you a bit. Don’t go out of your way to look for opportunities to “assert yourself.” When — as will happen from time to time — the natural course of things produces a situation in your life that you could really improve by speaking out, that’s the time to put your assertive talents to work.
“So How Do I Know When Action Is Called For?” In this chapter, we outline a baker’s dozen questions to ask yourself when you’re considering, What do I do now? Honestly consider each of these questions, and use the answers to help you decide when to be assertive…and when to let it go. 1. What Really Happened? Are you sure you understand the situation clearly? Have you heard both sides? 2. How Much Does It Matter to You? How does this situation relate to your life goals? Will assertive action now achieve something important for you? Have your values been violated? Have you acted on similar situations in the past? Is someone’s safety or wellbeing involved? A job? A promotion? Is an important principle at stake? Have you thought about your motivations for action in the situation? Would you be acting just to “be assertive”? Is this something you feel “should” be done, or will you and others actually benefit? If your spouse leaves the top off the toothpaste, it may irritate you, but how important is it in the larger scheme of things? How about making a game of it rather than allowing it to become a big issue between you? Hide the cap occasionally. Put foil or plastic wrap on the tube. Buy your own tube. Write on the mirror with the toothpaste. Approach minor discomforts creatively, not angrily! On the other hand, if the well-being of others is involved, it’s time to act. Maybe your community has created a safety hazard by ignoring a dangerous intersection; don’t wait for someone else to take action. You could save a life by being the first to call the situation to attention. 3. What Is the Probability That You’ll Get What You Want?
Is the change you want even possible? Is the other person likely to pay attention to your assertive action? Are you trying to “teach a lesson” that won’t likely be learned anyway? Can you make it clear what you want? What’s in it for the other person to do what you want? If your boss doesn’t give clear instructions, you’ll want to let her know. When you do, however, you are going to have to be clear in your feedback. By telling her exactly what you need to know in order to fulfill her assignments to you, you’ll make it more likely that she’ll pay attention and give you what you need. And she’ll know that’s in her best interests as well. 4. Are You Looking for a Specific Outcome or Just to Express Yourself? Can you express what you want in the form of a tangible change in the other person’s behavior? Is there any actual measurable change you would like to happen? Do you even want something to change, or do you just want recognition of your position? When your local paper runs a story full of errors — and they all do from time to time — are you moved to let them know about it? If you write a letter to the editor, is it your goal to let your neighbors know how smart you are, or do you want the paper to run a correction so everyone has the facts? The tone of your letter will tell. 5. What Are Your Options? Let’s see. You can choose to go along and say nothing. You can speak up “softly.” You can voice a firm objection. You can shout your feelings. You can write a letter (to someone involved, to a responsible agency, to the editor, to the president of the company). You can do some research and present your view of the real facts to everyone involved. If it’s a public matter, you can organize a group of people to express a collective opinion in any of several ways. It’s likely that you really do have some choices in the matter. But not always. Sometimes there is simply nothing you can do. 6. Are You Looking for a Positive Outcome?
Is your goal in acting assertively likely to benefit everyone concerned? Are you trying for the greatest good for the greatest number, or just for yourself? Might your assertion make things worse? Let’s assume you live in a relatively small town in which one large company is the biggest employer. You work there yourself, and you know the firm mistreats its employees. Wages are low (you know, because you have friends who work in the same industry elsewhere), benefits are the minimum required by law, sexual harassment by management is widespread, and safety hazards are common. Can you allow this to go on? Can you improve it? Isn’t a whistle-blower likely to be fired? These are tough questions, and they are loaded with consequences whatever you do. (We would encourage you to act in most cases, but we don’t have to live with the possible results of that action, such as firings, layoffs, plant closure, or legal action). Here’s where your careful consideration of the issues raised in this chapter will really pay off. 7. Do You Have Assertive Attitudes, Skills, and Intent? Are you prepared to act in an appropriately assertive way? Have you practiced with less important assertions? Have you taken into account any special circ*mstances that will influence the situation (such as cultural differences, physical or emotional disabilities, and age differences)? 8. Have You Counted to Ten? Have you taken at least a few moments to reflect on the situation? Have you defused your angry feelings? Are you ready to express your concern rationally? Have you counted to ten — ten times? Have you worked on the anger material in chapter 18? Consider what happens when you’re behind the wheel of your car. Driving is a challenging test of skills these days, and not just skills in handling an automobile! The highways stretch one’s patience, foresight, and ability to keep things in perspective. You’ll inevitably come across others who appear less skilled than you consider yourself to be. The all-toocommon impulse is to raise a protest, maybe shout something that only you and your passengers can hear, or make a hand-and-arm movement you intend the other driver to see. Don’t! This is a classic opportunity to practice
the “count to ten” maxim. It’s virtually impossible to do anything that will change whatever happened. Anything you do after the fact will not “teach the other guy a lesson.” And your action may endanger yourself and others on the road. This is one to let go. (Who knows, these days, “the other guy” could be a self-driving car!) 9. Would It Be Better to Wait Until Tomorrow? Will you see the situation any more clearly if some time passes? Will the other person be more receptive later? Are you less likely to make a scene? Are there others around who should not see the confrontation? Let’s say your mother-in-law has been visiting for three days. This afternoon, she returned from a shopping excursion with four new (and very ugly, in your opinion) throw pillows. She promptly spreads them around your living room, saying, “There! This place really needed brightening up, don’t you think?” Ask yourself the questions above and consider if this is the time to react. 10. Will You Kick Yourself If You Don’t Take Action? Will it really matter to you tomorrow if you don’t do something today? What’s the worst thing that will happen if you do nothing? Will taking action help you feel better? Improve your self-concept? Change anything important? You’re enrolled in a college class that emphasizes student participation and class discussion. The teacher regularly mispronounces your name. You’re both amused and offended by the error but would like to have your classmates know the correct pronunciation (admittedly a difficult one). Here’s a good chance to practice your assertive skills! (Hint: Don’t make the point in front of the class — at least not the first time.) 11. Have You Done Everything You Can to Remove or Reduce the Obstacles to Your Desired Outcome? Is there anything you can do to make the change you want easier for the other person? Are you willing and able to give as much as you get? Did you
ask for clarification of her intent? Hieronymous, your neighbor’s wolfhound, poops on your lawn regularly. You’re tired of cleaning up after the fleabag, but you don’t want to create a neighborhood row either. What to do? How about starting by taking a few steps yourself to prevent the problem? A fence, perhaps? Or one of the many sprays that discourage unwanted pet visits? If and when you do decide to discuss the problem with your neighbor, go armed with suggestions and evidence that you’re meeting him halfway rather than simply demanding action on his part. 12. What Are the Probable Consequences and Realistic Risks of Your Possible Assertion? Might you or someone else be physically or emotionally hurt? Lose a job? Lose a relationship? What is the probability that the other person may become violent? Do you know the other person? Would your assertion provoke a confrontation? Will your assertion encroach on him in some way? Is she a reasonable person? Is pride a factor? Money? A romantic relationship? Public face-saving (as with peers)? If you’re like most parents, discovering that a neighborhood bully beats up your child on the way home from school is a recurring nightmare. When it happens, your fear turns to anger and you want to take retaliatory action. But what? Beat up the bully? Beat up the bully’s father? Tell the police? Call a neighborhood meeting? Arm your child with karate lessons? Visit with the bully’s parents? Escort your child to and from school? Move? Hire a bodyguard? Demand that the school protect the children? Times such as this are a challenging test of judgment as well as assertive skills. Consider well your options and proceed with caution. 13. Will Assertion Make Any Difference? Will It Change the Situation? After all is said and done, how likely is it that anything will have changed? Will the change really be an improvement? Perhaps you don’t have a lot of confidence that your congressperson does a very good job of representing your views and those of your neighbors in the local district. Maybe you’ve written letters or called the office to
express your opinions. Is it worth it to do more? Will it make a difference? Is your representative responsive to local needs, or is she or he governed by higher ambitions? On the other hand, what about the local school board? Might you be able to make a difference there by paying attention to issues in your community and offering select recommendations (especially if you’ve been involved in community or school activities)? Choose the targets of your assertions so you get the most “bang for the buck” from your investment of time and energy.
Chapter 23
When Assertiveness Doesn’t Work All the mistakes I ever made were when I wanted to say “no” and said “yes.” — Moss Hart
We have encouraged you throughout this book to work at expressing yourself more effectively in order to achieve your goals in relationships. But we know that it doesn’t always work. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why not: Nobody’s perfect. Nobody’s assertive all the time. Life doesn’t give us “ideal” circ*mstances (as in many of the examples we’ve described). We — and you — can’t predict the actual situations that you’ll encounter or the real responses of other people. In the real world, other people will often resist your assertive efforts. You’ll be wrong sometimes. There are some situations you just cannot change. We spoke about this in chapter 12: Expect some failures. These procedures will not make you 100 percent successful in all your relationships! There are no instant or magic answers to life’s problems. The fact is, assertiveness does not
always work — for anyone! Sometimes, your goals will be incompatible with the other person’s. Two people can’t be at the head of the same line. Two cars can’t occupy the same parking space. (Letting the other person go first can be an assertive act too!) At times, others may be unreasonable or unyielding, and the best of assertions will be to no avail. Also, because you’re human, you’ll blow it sometimes, as we all do. Allow yourself to make mistakes. And allow others their right to be themselves as well. You’ll be uncomfortable, disappointed, discouraged. Reassess, practice, then try again. There are many obstacles in life that must be overcome to bring about change. Some of them, as we have discussed, are within you (such as your anxiety or lack of skills). Others are “out there” and may be intractable. Governments, for example, will never have the resources to do all of the things citizens would like, however effective the citizens’ protests may be. Syndicated writer Ellen Goodman tells of an incident involving a “Working Mother” and a cleaning service. It seems that the family’s living room rug needed cleaning. After doing the work, “The Cleaner” (as Goodman identified the firm) refused to deliver it at a time that fit the Working Mother’s schedule. Among other efforts to arrange the delivery, she “tried assertiveness training…and delivered an ultimatum: ‘Well, you can bring it on Tuesday, but I am telling you that no one will be home after 10:00 a.m.!’” The Cleaner arrived at 11:37 and left a note. Eventually, the Working Mother tried “passiveness training” and stayed home for the redelivery. We’ve all been there, right?
It’s Only Failure If You Quit Years ago, we contributed to a book for therapists a chapter titled “Failure: Winning at the Losing Game in Assertiveness Training.” In that chapter, we discussed a number of reasons assertiveness training may not be successful for some clients in some circ*mstances. Among the reasons we noted were these: The difficulty defining exactly what “assertiveness” means in a given situation Inadequate assessment of what’s needed in a given situation Possible contraindications to assertive action “Canned” approaches (the one-size-fits-all mentality) Applying the wrong technique (“But it worked with my cousin!”) Severe skill deficits (maybe you’re tackling too much too soon) Anxiety An issue that may be a good deal broader than it appears, requiring intervention on a number of fronts Let’s take a closer look at each of these reasons that assertiveness might not work. Definition It’s difficult even for seasoned professionals to define exactly what “assertiveness” means in a given situation. Obviously, reaching out to another person in friendship or affection is far different from standing up to a bully. And the nuances of behavior, from the huge variety of facial expressions to the subtle changes of voice tone, make it hard to pin down
just what’s called “assertive” when push comes to shove. We examined in more depth in chapter 5 the complexity of defining what it means to be assertive. You might want to review our discussion of the context, the response, the intent, and the behavior as we further consider why assertiveness doesn’t always work. Inadequate Assessment You can’t go around applying some “test” to every life circ*mstance you encounter, but it’s always a good idea, when time allows, to take a step back and think through a situation. We described in chapter 22 and elsewhere some of the criteria we suggest you adopt in considering whether a situation calls for assertiveness. Contraindications Here are a few of the many reasons an assertive action may be the wrong thing to do: You may be so anxious about the situation that your racing heart, sweaty palms, and stammering voice virtually assure failure. You may be so inclined to aggressive action that you’re likely to get yourself (or others) into big trouble. You may be very unfamiliar with the cultural or social environment you’re in, making it impossible to determine what action would be appropriate. Your skills may not yet be developed enough to enable you to express yourself effectively, and the situation calls for more than “practice.” The object of your intended assertive action may be in a position to make you pay too high a price for speaking up (a boss, bully, or authority figure).
Canned Approaches Our psychologist colleagues Dr. Bernard Schwartz and the late Dr. John Flowers, in their excellent resource for therapy professionals, How to Fail as a Therapist, describe the one-size-fits-all mentality with an example: Dr. Assertion ran groups and came to the belief that assertion was the cure for most if not all interpersonal problems. In one group, a young teenage boy, whose father was an alcoholic, was coached to be assertive when his father mistreated his mother and him. As the result of “standing up for himself,” the boy ended up in the hospital — fortunately with no permanent damage — and the father in jail. (Schwartz and Flowers 2010, 36) As fond as we are of assertiveness and as important as we believe it to be in a life of mental health, we certainly don’t view it as any kind of “cureall.” As we’ve emphasized throughout this book, it’s vital to assess yourself and each situation carefully and to respond — or avoid responding — in a way you consider to be in everyone’s best interest. Wrong Technique We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: assertiveness is person- and situation-specific. The approach you use when expressing your love is different from that for disciplining your children, for asking your boss for a raise, and for telling a teacher you want more attention paid to your child’s unique needs. Consider just one component: tone of voice. You surely wouldn’t speak to the boss in the same tone you’d use when disciplining your children! Skill Deficits Maybe you’re tackling too much too soon? We’ve described the development of assertive skills as a step-by-step process. And we’ve emphasized the importance of starting small and building on success. If the first situation you encounter involves your life partner, your boss, or a police officer, you may want to stifle the urge to say the first thing that
comes to mind. Get the practice you need in less risky or loaded situations or with relationships that are less important to your long-term well-being. And do keep in mind the role of temperament, as we discussed in chapter 14. If you were born with a predisposition to shyness or inhibition or, contrarily, aggression, assertive self-expression will not come easy for you. It’s worth the effort to start with small steps and build on success. We encourage you to keep at it. Anxiety In chapter 11, we reviewed a number of considerations about the role anxiety plays in inhibiting assertive action. In this summary, suffice it to say you’ll need to work at overcoming your racing heart, sweaty palms, and stammering voice before you can expect much success with your efforts to come across assertively. An Issue That May Require Intervention on a Number of Fronts Assertiveness doesn’t work for everything. And that’s as true within each of us as it is for the life situations we encounter. We hope you’re taking care of yourself in every realm — diet, sleep, exercise, and social and economic circ*mstances — as you work at becoming more assertive. Likewise, the elements of a given life situation may require physical, social, economic, political, or other resources, as well as assertive action. Consider, for example, something as far-reaching as local citizen action to get a city ordinance passed or changed. An assertive act might be to appear before the city council during a public comment period and make your case. But that’s only a small piece of what’s necessary. You’ll also need to do lots of homework in advance: research the topic, gather community support perhaps in the form of a petition, offer documentation of similar successful ordinances in other cities, prepare and submit plans and photographs, meet with city staff, and so on.
When You Are Wrong Especially in your early assertions, you may assert yourself when you have incorrectly interpreted a situation. If this does occur, don’t hesitate to admit that you have been wrong. There is no need to get carried away in making amends, of course; but be open enough to show that you know when you have been mistaken. And don’t be reluctant to be assertive with that person in the future when the situation calls for it.
Avoiding Failures So, how can you be sure your assertive action won’t fail? You can’t, of course. There are too many variables in any life situation to be able to predict with assurance. Still, there are steps you can take to make it more likely you’ll succeed. First, we encourage you to review this chapter and chapter 22, “Deciding When to Be Assertive — or Not.” Second, we urge you to be really honest with yourself in assessing each situation and your ability to handle it assertively. And third, we offer this list of suggestions to minimize the chance that your efforts will go unrewarded: Adopt your own working definition of “assertive” behavior, using our ideas only as a starting point. Make sure you’re choosing for yourself how you will act, not following a formula prepared by someone else (including the authors of this book!). Work at reducing your anxiety in social situations, in addition to developing your assertive skills. (Review chapter 11.) Avoid the contraindications noted above. Don’t give up easily! Persistence. Take another look at the step-by-step process in chapter 13, and do some work on any steps you think may be weak spots for you. Choose your battles carefully. Proceed in any situation only when you’re sure “it’s worth it.” And finally, recognize that we all experience failure. That’s part of being human. When your best efforts at assertiveness don’t work, remember that you have lots of company! The good news is that, most of the time,
failure gives us an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and about life…and to figure out how to handle things better the next time.
Chapter 24
Helping Others Deal with the New Assertive You All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. — Pablo Neruda
As you have grown in your own assertiveness, you have noticed changes in those around you. Your family, friends, coworkers, and others may have found it strange that you have changed, and they may not be altogether happy about it. Most people like to be able to predict how others will act in a given situation: “Mom’s not going to like that!” “You’ll really get it when your father gets home!” “The boss is going to hit the ceiling!” “Jim will really be pleased.” And they’ll usually express surprise if their expectations are not met: “Why is Mary acting so differently these days?” “What’s gotten into George?” “It’s not like you to say something like that.” “You never used to mind if I borrowed your things!”
Your growing assertiveness will have some direct effects upon those closest to you. They may be glad to see you behaving more effectively; however, they may find it uncomfortable that you have begun to talk back or to deny them full control in certain situations. You can prepare them for the changes in you; it will make a difference in how well they support you in your growth.
How Does It Look from Outside? People will notice. They’ll wonder why you’re no longer a pushover or a grump. Some will applaud the changes, others will decry them — but they’ll notice. It’s common for students of assertiveness to overdo it at first. That makes the changes even more noticeable. Others may see you as suddenly aggressive, and you may be. If you are saying no for the first time in your life, you may get a kick out of really belting it out. “No — and don’t ask me again!” If you overreact like that and flaunt your newfound self-expression, others will resent it. Not only are you no longer predictable, you are a royal pain in the neck! From the point of view of your friends and family, you may appear to be a pushy so-and-so — one they’d just as soon would go away. If, instead, you’re too tentative about your assertions, others may notice that something is changed but not realize what you are trying to do. It may be a good idea to let those closest to you know what you are trying to do — at least those you can trust — and perhaps even to ask them for help. Becoming assertive will eventually involve your friends if you are successful; there is no reason to hide it from those who could help you along the way. More on this later in the chapter.
Be Aware of Your Impact on Others You will need to develop some sensitivity to the reactions of others to your assertion. You can teach yourself to observe the effects and to watch for the subtle clues to others’ reactions — many of the same nonverbal behaviors we have stressed in assertive expression. You’ve learned to pay attention to your own eye contact, posture, gestures, facial expression, voice, and distance. Tune in to the same characteristics in your listeners to help you assess how you are coming across and how they are responding.
Potential Adverse Reactions Although we’ve found few negative results in many years of helping people learn to be assertive, we know that some people do respond disagreeably when they face assertion. Even if the assertion is handled well, one may at times be faced with unpleasant reactions. Here are a few examples: Backbiting. After you have asserted yourself, the other person involved may be disgruntled, though perhaps not openly. For instance, if you see someone pushing her grocery cart into the line ahead of you and you respond assertively, she may go to the end of the line but grumble while passing you. You may hear such things as, “Who do you think you are, anyway?” or “Oh, nice!” or “Thanks a lot!” (sarcastically) or “Whatever…” We think the best solution is simply to ignore the childish behavior. If you do retort in some manner, you are likely only to complicate the situation by acknowledging that the words got to you. Aggression. At times, the other party may become outwardly hostile toward you. Yelling or screaming or physical reactions such as bumping, shoving, and hitting could be involved. Again, the best approach is to avoid escalating the situation. You may choose to express regret that your actions upset the other person, but remain steadfast in your assertion. This is especially true if you will have future contact. Backing down on your assertion will simply reward this negative reaction, and the next time you assert yourself with this person, the probability will be high that you will receive another aggressive reaction. Temper tantrums. In certain situations, you may assert yourself with someone who is used to being in charge. Such a person may react to your assertion by looking hurt, claiming precarious health, saying “You don’t like me!” crying, feeling sorry for himself, or otherwise attempting to control you or make you feel guilty. Again, you must choose, but it is nearly always best to ignore such behavior.
Psychosomatic reactions. Some individuals may actually become physically ill if you thwart a long-established habit. Abdominal pains, headaches, and feeling faint are just a few of the symptoms possible. Choose to be firm in the assertion, recognizing that the other person will adjust to the new situation in a short time. Be consistent in your assertion if the same situation recurs with this individual. If you are inconsistent, the other person may become confused and may eventually just ignore your assertions. Overapologizing. On rare occasions after you have asserted yourself, the other party involved will be overly apologetic or humble. Point out that such behavior is unnecessary. If, in later encounters, the person seems to be afraid of you or deferent toward you, don’t take advantage. In fact, you could help that person to develop assertive skills, using the methods you’ve learned. Revenge. If you assert yourself with someone with whom you have a continuing relationship, that person may, in rare cases, seek revenge. At first, it might be difficult to understand what is being attempted; but as time goes on, the taunts may become quite evident. Directly confronting the situation is often enough to get vengeful tactics to cease.
Include a Friend in Your Learning Process We suggested earlier in this chapter that you consider involving your most trusted friend(s) in your work on assertiveness. Try these steps: Tell your closest friend (be sure this is someone you can trust) that you are learning to be more assertive. Keep in mind that you will need to be careful when telling certain people about your attempts to change. Those who have your best interests at heart will be supportive. Others — even some close friends and intimates — may actually undermine your efforts. Choose carefully. Tell your friend something about what it means to you to be assertive and the differences between assertion and aggression. Ask your friend to help you. If your friend agrees to help, decide together on some specific behaviors to watch for and ask for periodic feedback on how you are doing in those specifics — particularly the nonverbal components of behavior (chapter 8). Recognize that sometimes your assertiveness will lead you to say no to your friend or otherwise say or do something against her or his preferences. Discuss that in advance and as it occurs. Avoid announcing, “I’m going to be assertive now!” — as if that excuses rudeness or other inappropriate behavior or allows you to avoid responsibility for your actions. If you are developing your assertiveness as a part of some form of therapy, you need not disclose that to anyone. Simply talk about your goals and point out that you are learning from this book.
If you are working with a therapist or other trainer, you may wish to bring your friend in for an orientation/training session. If you decide to go ahead and let a friend in on your plans, you may find “How a Friend Can Help” (page 266) useful in orienting that person to the assertiveness training process. Feel free to copy it (and thanks for including the credit line at the bottom).
Chapter 25
Beyond Assertiveness God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other. — Reinhold Niebuhr
On the morning of January 28, 1986, Allan McDonald said no. Tragically, as it turned out, they didn’t listen to him. McDonald was an engineer for the manufacturer of the booster rockets for the US space shuttle Challenger. He recognized that the O-ring seals of the rockets could fail in the unusually cold Florida morning weather, and so he urged NASA officials to scrub the launch scheduled for that day. Sadly, McDonald’s lone voice was not enough to prevent the disaster. “There were a dozen other engineers who supported my argument, but not one of them spoke up,” said McDonald. Like Allan McDonald’s, your opinion matters! As you’ve worked your way through this book, you’ve gained a greater feeling of empowerment, self-confidence, and skills. You know you can choose whether and when to express your views. Allan McDonald had the courage to do so; according to his report, his colleagues did not. The results were disastrous: the shuttle and its crew of seven were lost in a horrible explosion. We’re not saying you should always speak up, of course. Our theme throughout this book has been individual choice. While we’ve consistently pointed out the value of assertive behavior, perceptive readers will have noted some of the potential shortcomings and hazards of personal assertiveness. You’ll want to take into account the limitations and possible negative consequences of asserting yourself. Assertive behavior will most often be its own reward, but the consequences on occasion may deflate its value. The young boy who
assertively refuses the big bully’s request to ride his new bike may find himself nursing a black eye! His assertion was perfectly legitimate, but the other guy wouldn’t take no for an answer. We don’t mean to suggest that you should avoid assertiveness if it appears hazardous, but we do encourage you to consider the probable consequences of your assertive acts. In certain circ*mstances, the value of an assertion will be outweighed by the value of avoiding the probable response. If you know how to act assertively, you are free to choose whether or not you will. If you are unable to act assertively, you have no choices. Our most important goal for this book is to enable you to make the choice!
“It’s Too Late Now!” People who feel they can do nothing about a problem that happened some time ago often have asked us about past situations. Frustrated by the consequences of their earlier lack of assertion, they nevertheless feel helpless to change things now. Carlos offered us a good example of this problem. For months, his boss had been handing him projects late in the day, asking Carlos to stay late and prepare PowerPoint slides for meetings the next morning. The first time it happened, Carlos assumed that the circ*mstances were unique. He willingly agreed to help out, pleased that his skills were recognized. Over time, however, the “special request” had become an expectation and occurred often. Carlos liked his work, but it had begun to take a toll on his personal life, and he’d been thinking about looking for another job. When Carlos somewhat tentatively brought the situation up for discussion in an assertiveness training group, he found the trainer and group members very supportive. In the group, he rehearsed a scene in which he confronted his boss with his feelings. He did poorly at first, apologizing and allowing the “boss” to convince him that such “loyalty to the company” was necessary to the job. With feedback and support from the group, however, he improved his ability to express his feelings effectively and not be cowed by the executive’s response. The next day, Carlos spoke to his boss at the office, made his point, and arranged a more reasonable schedule for such projects. In the two months that followed, “special requests” were made only twice and only when the circ*mstances clearly were unusual. Both were pleased with the result. The point of this discussion is that it is seldom too late for an appropriate assertion, even if a situation has grown worse over some time. Approaching the person involved — yes, even a family member, spouse, lover, boss, or employee — with an honest “I’ve been concerned about something for some time” or “I’ve been wanting to talk with you about…” or “I could have mentioned this sooner, but…” can lead to a most productive effort to resolve an uncomfortable issue. And it can encourage open and honest communication in the future.
Remember to take responsibility for your feelings when you express them: “I’m concerned…” not “You’ve made me upset…”; “I’m mad…” not “You make me mad…” Another important reason to go back and take care of old issues with others is that unfinished business continues to gnaw away at you. Resentment from experiences that created anger or hurt won’t just go away. Such feelings result in a widening gap between people, and the resulting mistrust and potential grudge are hurtful to both. Even if old issues can’t be resolved, doing all you can to attempt reconciliation is worthwhile. Opening up old wounds can be painful. And there are certain risks — the outcomes could be worse than before. Despite these risks, we encourage you to do all you can to work out such problems. One more point: As we have cautioned before, do not attempt to begin your journey toward new assertiveness with highly risky relationships — those that are very important to you. This is a rather advanced step and should come after you have mastered the basics.
The Swing of the Pendulum “I have a friend who used to be peaceful and quiet. She took assertiveness training and now is unbearable, complaining about everything! She has really gone overboard!” People who considered themselves underdogs throughout life and then learned to be assertive may become verbally aggressive. The message may be: “Now it’s my turn, and I’ll set a few people straight!” Feelings covered up for many years may come out with a bang. Similarly, those who have typically been aggressive may, when they first learn a more appropriate approach, pull back and become hypersensitive or withdrawn. It can flabbergast you to have someone who was derisive and manipulative now treat you like royalty. If this rapid change of style describes you or someone you know, don’t despair. Both of these dramatic shifts in behavior are normal reactions and may be expected. It’s common for people to overcompensate as they work at change. Give it some time. It’s likely that the pendulum will balance after a short while, and a more appropriate assertive style will develop.
Assertiveness and Holistic Health Assertiveness is an even more valuable tool for gaining self-confidence and self-control in life when it’s one part of a broader plan for well-being. We encourage you to think in holistic terms, integrating psychological, physical, social, and environmental considerations — in short, to deal with all parts of yourself. Take a look at your current health condition, diet and sleep and exercise patterns, relationships, mental attitude, beliefs and values, living conditions, and medical history — all are important considerations in a thorough assessment of well-being. Don’t assume, for example, that improved behavior skills alone will adequately deal with a lack of assertiveness. Lack of sleep or a physical ailment will matter too. Examine all the possibilities, and consult professionals as well if you need help. Interest in a holistic view of health has never been greater, stimulated by such factors as greater access to health information (online, for example), expanded awareness of the role of fitness in overall health, increased consumer activism, and exorbitant health care and insurance costs. Despite the continuing trend toward specialization, an increasingly holistic outlook is emerging among health professionals in all fields.
Assert Your Way to Health Can lack of assertive behavior make you sick? Research in behavioral medicine and psychoneuroimmunology — which studies the interaction among the psychological processes, the nervous system, and the immune system of the human body — suggests that deficiencies in assertiveness can play an important role in developing and treating illnesses. Individuals with cancer, heart disease, respiratory problems, gastrointestinal tract disorders, and arthritis are being studied by medical researchers to determine if stress factors related to long-term nonassertive or aggressive behavior contribute to bringing on any of those illnesses. The relationship between mind and body is complex, of course, and interpretations about the causes of illness need to be tentative. Responsible researchers observe that the cause of illness is rarely a single factor (such as assertiveness problems or smoking) but rather a variety of factors working together. Psychiatrist Redford Williams (introduced in chapter 17) has studied the role of hostility as a causative factor in cardiovascular disease. Numerous studies by Dr. Williams and his colleagues at Duke University point to hostile attitudes and behaviors as an important risk factor in heart attacks, right along with the key physical risk factors of smoking, elevated blood cholesterol, and high blood pressure. Williams recommends assertiveness training as one part of his multifaceted treatment program to reduce hostility and other heart risk factors. He has found that the more you can deal with your feelings in an up-front, straightforward manner, the less you allow feelings to fester and come out as hostile or cynical thoughts and behaviors. Another way to use your assertive skills to improve your health is to take charge of your own health care. That even means learning to be assertive when you must go to the doctor. Researchers in the mind-body field are teaching patients how to do it. Internist Sheldon Greenfield and social psychologist Sherrie Kaplan devised a twenty-minute assertiveness coaching session for patients waiting to see a physician. They rehearsed
how to ask key questions in order to take an active role in the process of dealing with the doctor. Then they compared trained patients with a group of patients who had not been trained. The coached patients were much more in control in dealing with the doctor. They directed the conversation, interrupted when necessary, and got a lot more information about their illnesses. And here’s the great part: four months later, those trained in assertiveness had missed less work, had fewer medical symptoms, and indicated that their overall health was better than that of the uncoached patients. (See Norman Cousins’s classic book Anatomy of an Illness.) There are many ways to be an assertive advocate in your own health care program before you become ill — and after. Believing in and taking action about your ongoing health care is a vital application of your assertive behavior. Educate yourself about your total self: body, mind, and spirit. Do routine preventive maintenance that includes a low-fat, low-sugar, wellbalanced diet; an aerobic exercise program; and attention to psychological and social well-being. The bottom line is to be in charge of your own life and health. Get better at making important health care decisions: selecting and dealing with doctors; choosing health insurance coverage and handling claims; recognizing and dealing with your own health care needs; dealing with doctors’ offices and hospital personnel; and deciding about medications and alternative treatments. Assertiveness about your health and health care could save your life.
Assertiveness and Common Sense We’ve emphasized action in this book. When we first began to do assertiveness training back in the late 1960s, we found it an effective procedure for our clients who had difficulty expressing themselves. Most of them were shy, nonassertive, and reluctant to take any action on their own behalf. It seemed the most effective approach was to activate them, to get them going again, to teach them to “stand up, speak out, and talk back.” (Full disclosure: That was the title of one of our books on the subject.) Moreover, assertiveness was a very helpful intervention for those who were inhibited by social anxiety. Later we came to recognize that many people were using the idea of taking such action as a license to act aggressively, or at least foolishly. Some trainers were encouraging — as homework in assertiveness — that people go into restaurants and ask just for a glass of water, or go into service stations and ask just to have the windows washed. (In those days, service stations actually did that sort of thing!) Let us put in a plea, then, for common sense: Don’t manipulate. Assertiveness goes a long way when used appropriately. But it ought not to be used as a tool for manipulation, as a means to “get your way” at the expense of others (aggression), or as a constant style of behavior. Don’t get into a rut. You need not “assert yourself” all the time. How boring — and boorish — to go about always making yourself heard, always speaking out. Make assertiveness one tool in your repertoire of behaviors, one way to act that you can use when it is important and needed. Nothing is perfectly effective all the time; it is possible to have too much of a good thing! Be kind. “Kindness” is a word that doesn’t get a lot of press, but it has been our intent since the beginning of our work with assertiveness to help humans treat one another with respect, thoughtfulness, and, yes, kindness. The idea of assertiveness for
those who had been “pushed around” earlier was to help them gain the respect that others weren’t offering. Assertiveness is not incompatible with kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion, empathy, or politeness. Someone with a truly assertive lifestyle is very concerned for others and their rights. We like the terms “empathic assertion” and “compassionate assertiveness,” which have been used to describe self-expression directed at the needs of another person. And we’re in full support of the concept of “random kindness”: anonymous acts of kindness done without possibility of recognition or reward. Be yourself. Too many people have interpreted assertiveness as if there were one single definition that qualified a behavior as “assertive.” We discussed this at some length in chapter 5, but we’d like to underscore it here: recognize individual differences! Everybody has a unique view of the world; that’s part of the joy of the human experience. Don’t try to shape others into your image of them. Don’t assume there is only one way to be assertive in a given circ*mstance. Let people choose to be nonassertive if they wish. Be persistent — but not a pest. One of the most important but often overlooked aspects of assertive behavior is persistence. It may not be enough just to ask for what you want. You may need to ask again, to direct your request to someone in authority, to write a letter, to bring some pressure to bear from another source (such as a consumer advocacy group or a regulatory agency). Is your cause important? Go back again if you don’t get help the first time. See the manager. Call the president of the company. Tell your neighbor again about his noisy dog. Remind your boss about the raise. Remember to be assertive in your persistence; nagging can be aggressive! Practice — but don’t get “perfect.” Some types of so-called assertive responses can seem really mechanical and rehearsed.
Although we suggest that you rehearse while you are developing your style and skills in assertiveness, we consider it very important that you develop a personal style — integrating assertiveness with your own unique way of dealing with people. If you come off sounding like our book or like someone else’s “scripts” for assertive situations, you’ll lose credibility and people will not take you seriously. Forget about being an amateur shrink. Don’t try to psychoanalyze people. Some folks go around trying to “think psychologically,” always figuring out how others are likely to react. It is rare that anyone — even those of us who are trained psychologists — is able to do that successfully. Instead, try to be yourself, be assertive, and take others’ needs, rights, and respect into account.
Membership in the Human Community In Thornton Wilder’s classic play Our Town, a character discusses a letter that was addressed thus: “Jane Crofut, the Crofut Farm, Grover’s Corners, Sutton County, New Hampshire, United States of America, Continent of North America, Western Hemisphere, the Earth, the Solar System, the Universe, the Mind of God.” Wilder showed a remarkable sense of citizenship in the world. Few of us have so thoughtfully considered our relationships to the entire human community. Indeed, is it even possible to deal with that virtually unreachable concept? In what sense am I a world citizen? I can talk with and see my neighbors in the local community. I can visit, with minimal difficulty, people in nearby states; across the country; and, if I am fortunate, even around the world. I can vote in local, state, and national elections, and I share a historical and cultural heritage with other citizens of the United States. What have I in common with the people of Namibia, Lithuania, or Sri Lanka? Do I really think of them as my brothers and sisters in humankind? No individual can exist alone. None of us has the necessary knowledge, skills, or personal resources required to function with total independence in the world. We are interdependent, and our assertiveness must take into account and respect our neighbors’ needs as well as our own. Even without the evidence offered by photos from space, it’s easy to see the fragility of world order in any day’s headlines. We note the continuing efforts by governments of many nations to maintain world peace and some balance of order on the planet. And we see how easily aggression, terrorism, and the quest for power disturb that balance. So many international issues remain unresolved, awaiting assertive action by those courageous enough to transcend nationalistic limits and assume leadership in solving problems, rather than displaying power. Global climate change, hunger, human rights, extreme poverty, immigration, refugee relocation, sanitation, disposal of nuclear and other hazardous wastes, response to terrorism and religious fanaticism…the list goes on.
The principles of assertive action that we have discussed throughout this book apply to these concerns as well. Perhaps you have found assertiveness training helpful in your own life and relationships. We urge you to demonstrate your appreciation for that help by taking assertive action as a world citizen. Write letters supporting public officials who take courageous action. Vote. Contact your elected representatives to express your views on important issues. Work to replace aggression with assertion wherever you can. You may choose to support tighter controls on handguns, for instance, or reduced television violence. Perhaps you support free-enterprise replacements for government bureaucracies that fail to provide necessary services, or better accountability in public agencies. Some will demonstrate against environmental degradation, nuclear weapons proliferation, war, or unfair taxation. Equal justice for women, homelessness, or LGBTQ issues may be your major cause. Support is always needed for improved access to health care, rape crisis intervention, better schools, parenting education, and child protection programs, along with dozens of other worthy causes. The principle of assertive action is well established in Western culture and is a vital element in the US Constitution. The spirit of civil disobedience, when other attempts to change intolerable situations have failed, has a proud heritage. One need look no further than the US Declaration of Independence or such famous historic events as the Boston Tea Party for well-known and highly respected acts of assertiveness. A vital principle of any such action, of course, is the individual’s willingness to accept responsibility for the consequences of her or his behavior. Examples of such personally responsible public assertiveness from the last century are Mahatma Gandhi (India), Martin Luther King Jr. (USA), Desmond Tutu (South Africa), Nelson Mandela (South Africa), and Lech Walesa (Poland). Whatever our personal views of the substantive issues in their actions, we must stand in awe of those who have made their deepest beliefs public by living accordingly, caring more for the welfare of humankind than for their individual comfort and safety. Who will we admire a hundred years from now? Ultimately, those acts that are in the best interest of our fellow humans are in our own best interest as well. If I act assertively to right a social wrong, I act to the benefit of all who are members of the society, including
myself. Assertive action, in the best sense, is at once in my own self-interest and unselfish. There are a thousand causes worthy of your energies. If your assertiveness ends when your steak is served the way you like it or when you get correct change, your life may be more pleasant temporarily but will not count for much. Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. put this notion in perspective (do forgive his sexist language): “A man must share in the action and passion of his times, at the risk of being judged not to have lived.”
Now What? You’re ready to take it from here. What will you do with what you’ve learned about assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships? Keep in mind: You can change yourself if you wish to do so. Assertiveness is learned. Change is hard work. It usually comes slowly and in small steps. Don’t try to tackle too much at once. Succeed by taking achievable steps. There are no magic answers. While assertiveness doesn’t always work (for us either), it sure beats the alternative. Don’t let failures at first stop you from trying again. Give yourself credit when you make changes in your life. Even the smallest accomplishments deserve a pat on the back. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, including professional help when you need it. Everyone needs help at times. You are working with an infinitely valuable resource: yourself. Take good care. You are unique, an individual, with your own size, shape, color, age, ethnic and cultural background, gender, lifestyle, education, ideas, beliefs, values, occupation, relationships, thoughts, and behavior patterns. Since a book must speak to many, we’ve had to generalize a great deal. Being assertive will mean different things to different people. You must decide what is relevant for you and how to apply assertive behavior in your own unique relationships. Remember that assertiveness is not a tool for manipulation, intimidation, or getting your way. It is a means to stand up for your own rights and needs, build equal relationships, express your anger, reach out to others, show your affection, and be more direct. Most importantly, it is one
means to becoming the person you want to be, to feel good about yourself, and to demonstrate your caring and respect for the rights of others.
Appendix
Assertiveness Practice Situations The everyday life situations that follow call for assertive behavior and cause difficulty for many people. Each situation is presented with alternative responses from which you can choose, categorized by the framework we’ve employed throughout: (a) nonassertive, (b) aggressive, or (c) assertive. The situations are designed for your practice according to the step-bystep process described in chapter 13. Pick situations appropriate to your needs, and work slowly on one item at a time. As you read the situation description, fill in the details from your own imagination. Follow steps 4–7 of chapter 13, utilizing the alternative responses suggested here for each situation and any others you may think of. For each situation you choose, enact the role-playing and feedback exercises described in steps 8, 9, 11, and 12; then continue with remaining steps of the step-by-step process. Remember to focus upon both what you say and how you say it! The examples are grouped according to several characteristic types of situations: family, intimate, consumer, employment, school and community, and social. In each case, only a few situations are suggested, although the number of categories and examples is infinite. We urge you to come up with more examples of your own to extend your practice.
Family Situations Sleepover Your twelve-year-old daughter is having a sleepover with five other girls. You look at the clock: 2:17 a.m. The girls should have settled down to sleep by now, but you can still hear them chattering away.
Alternative Responses: You toss and turn in bed, wishing your spouse would get up and say something to the girls. You’re really angry but just lie there trying to block out the sounds. You jump out of bed and scold the girls angrily, especially your daughter, for their behavior. You get up, speak to the girls firmly (so they know you mean business), and tell them you need to get up early tomorrow and that everyone needs to get to sleep. You make clear that the noise is bothering you, and you won’t tolerate any more. Visiting Relative Aunt Margaret, with whom you’d really rather not spend much time, is on the telephone telling you of her plans to arrive next week for a threeweek visit with you.
Alternative Responses: You think, Oh, no! but say, “We’d love to have you come and stay as long as you’d like!” You tell her the children have just come down with bad colds, the roof is leaking, and you’ll be going to Cousin Bill’s the weekend after next — none of which is true. You say, “We’d love to see you for the weekend, but we have too much going on, with the kids’ school and sports events and our community activities, to invite you for longer. If we keep it short, it will be better for everyone, and we can do it again sooner.” Past Midnight Your teenage son has just returned from a party. It’s three a.m., and you’ve been frantic, worried mainly if he was okay. You had expected him home before midnight.
Alternative Responses: You turn over and go to sleep. You shout, “Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea what time it is? You’ve kept me up all night! You thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish, no-good bum — I ought to make you sleep in the street!” You say, “Are you okay, son? I’ve been very upset, worrying about you. You said you’d be home before midnight, and I’ve been frantic for hours. I wish you’d called me. That’s why you have a cell. Tomorrow we’ll discuss your arrangements for staying out late.” Holy Terror The preschool teacher tells you that your three-year-old is hitting the other children. At home, he pretty much does what he likes — staying up late, playing too rough with the pets, not eating properly. In the past, you’ve thought his behavior “cute.”
Alternative Responses: You talk gently to your son about not hitting the other children. He says the other kids are mean but that he is sorry. He jumps in your lap and you say, “You are such a sweet boy. I love you.” You grab your son roughly and say that if he hits anyone else, you’ll beat his bottom till it’s raw. You discuss the issue with the teacher and with your family physician. After ruling out any physical causes, you make an appointment with the nonprofit family services center for counseling help.
Intimate Situations Late for Dinner Your partner was supposed to be home for dinner right after work. Instead, she returns hours later, explaining she was out with the girls for a few drinks. She is obviously intoxicated.
Alternative Responses: You say nothing about how thoughtless she has been but simply start preparing something for her to eat. Screaming and yelling, you tell her that she is a drunken fool, doesn’t care about your feelings, and is a poor example for the children. You ask her what the neighbors will think. You demand that she get her own dinner. You calmly and firmly let her know that she should have informed you beforehand that she was going out and would likely be late. “At least you could have called me. Your cold dinner is in the kitchen. We’ll discuss this more tomorrow.” And you do. Balancing the Books Finances are tight. When you receive the credit card bill for the month, you are shocked. Your spouse has charges that seem excessive and unnecessary.
Alternative Responses: You realize that you also have overspent before. You still feel upset but decide to be understanding this time. You go to the ATM, withdraw an equal amount of money, and spend it on yourself in revenge. You don’t mention the credit card. You arrange an appropriate time to discuss the finances, and you tell your partner that when you opened the statement you were shocked at the charges. Asking for an explanation, you also insist that the two of you agree on some guidelines for use of the credit card. Sagging Sex During the past six months, your partner has not been sexually attentive. You’re having intercourse less often, and your partner is not as enthusiastic or caring. You have tried harder to generate interest but to no avail.
Alternative Responses: You decide that two can play this game. You withdraw, complain to your friends, and criticize your partner openly in front of the children about nonrelated matters. The feelings of upset have built to a boiling point. One evening, after another dull sexual encounter, you lash out irrationally. Your partner retaliates. The verbal explosion lasts for hours. Still seething, you spend that night on the couch and the next week sulking. In a noninflammatory but firm style, you speak to your partner honestly and openly about your feelings. You suggest that you take part in a couple’s workshop together or go see a counselor to work on the relationship. Beach Blanket Roulette You’re really excited. You’ve been pursuing Lan for weeks now, and you’ve finally set a date for a picnic at your favorite — virtually private — spot on the beach. It’s a beautifully warm afternoon, and Lan is looking particularly sexy. As the day wanes into evening and your mutual ardor warms, Lan asks, “How about making love here on the beach?” You’re not sure. You like Lan, but…
Alternative Responses: “Uh, sure, if you want to.” “If you think an afternoon at the beach is all it takes to get my clothes off, you’d better think again, hot pants!” “I really like you, Lan, but I’m not ready for sex yet. Let’s get to know each other better first.” Alcohol Amour Your partner routinely drinks too much before sex. You feel that the drinking interferes with the quality of sex and that it’s time to take action.
Alternative Responses: You hesitantly ask, “Do you think you might be drinking a little too much before we have sex?” Your partner is offended and responds defensively, “It’s just normal social drinking!” One evening, when you are being affectionate and your partner suggests sex, you yell out, “You’re a drunken slob!” Then you dramatically pull away and storm off to sleep on the couch. At a calm and private moment, you express your concern that the drinking is interfering with the quality of sex for you. Emphasizing clearly that your relationship is very important to you and that alcohol is getting in the way, you ask if your partner would consider getting some help with cutting back on drinking.
Consumer Situations Haircut Hassle At the barbershop, the barber has just finished cutting your hair. When he turns the chair toward the mirror so you can inspect his work, you notice that you’d like the sides trimmed more.
Alternative Responses: You nod your head and say, “That’s fine.” You shake your head and say, sarcastically, “No, man. That doesn’t do it. You sure didn’t take much off the sides, did you?” You loudly demand that he “finish the job.” You tell the barber matter-of-factly that you’d like to have the sides trimmed more. Shortchanged As you are leaving a store after a small purchase, you discover that you’ve been shortchanged by three dollars.
Alternative Responses: Pausing for a moment, you try to decide if three dollars is worth the effort. After a few moments, you decide it’s not and go on your way. You hurry back into the store and loudly demand your money, making a derogatory comment about stores that “try to get you for every penny.” Reentering the store, you catch the attention of the clerk, point out that you were shortchanged by three dollars, and display the change you received along with your receipt. Lines, Lines, Lines You’re standing in line at a cash register waiting to pay for your purchase and have it gift wrapped. Others who have come after you have been waited on first. You are getting tired of waiting.
Alternative Responses: You give up and decide not to buy the article. Shouting, “Service in this store is lousy!” you slam the intended purchase down on the counter and walk out. In a conversational tone and volume, you tell the clerk “I’m next, please. Actually, I was ahead of a couple of people who’ve already been served. Would you wait on me now, please? Thanks.” Do Not Call You’re at home, hoping for a restful day. About eleven a.m., the phone rings, and the voice asks, “Are you [your name]?” The call sounds important. Then you hear, “This is Rocky Road Magazine. We’re conducting a readership survey. Have you read Rocky Road?” You’re perturbed at the intrusion.
Alternative Responses: You’re polite, don’t interrupt, and answer all of the caller’s questions. Soon you hear a “sales pitch” instead of a “readership survey.” The call lasts ten minutes. You yell, “You people are a bunch of vultures! Don’t you know anything about telephone privacy? Stick it in your ear!” You slam down the phone. You state firmly, “I’m not interested.” The caller replies, “I only want to ask you a few questions.” You repeat firmly, “I’m not interested. Put me on your do not call list, and please don’t call again.” You hang up the phone.
Employment Situations Overtime You and your partner are going to a party this evening; you’ve been looking forward to it for several weeks. You plan to leave immediately after work. Midafternoon, however, your supervisor asks you to stay late to work on a special assignment.
Alternative Responses: You say nothing about your important plans and simply agree to stay until the work is finished. In a nervous, abrupt voice, you say, “No, I won’t work late tonight. You’re going to have to plan ahead!” You then turn back to your work. In a firm, pleasant voice, you explain your important plans and say you won’t be able to stay this evening to work on the special assignment. You offer to help find an alternative solution. (Since this is the first time you’ve been asked, you may volunteer to come in early in the morning to work on the project.) Deniable Passion One of your coworkers has been making sexual overtures toward you. You are not the least bit interested and have begun to feel harassed.
Alternative Responses: You begin wearing plainer clothing, change your hairstyle, avoid contact, and look away each time the coworker approaches. The next time the person makes an overture, you exclaim loudly and angrily, “Stay away from me, you scum, or I’ll report you to the police!” When the person next approaches you, you respond quietly but very firmly, “I have no interest in a relationship. You’ve been annoying me with inappropriate comments and unacceptable behavior for weeks. I’ve kept a written record. If you don’t stop immediately, I’ll file a harassment complaint with the company.” Below Par An employee you supervise has been doing substandard work recently. You decide it is best to deal with the situation before it gets out of control.
Alternative Responses: You say very quietly, “I’m sorry to bring this up, but I know you must have a good reason why your work has seemed to slide a little lately.” You shout, “What is it with you? You’ve really been falling down on the job lately. If you don’t shape up, you’ll be out of here!” You take the employee aside and say, “I’m very concerned about your work performance recently. You won’t be getting a pay increase this period. Let’s analyze what’s been going on and see what improvements you can make for the future.” Cutting Critique You’ve made a mistake on the job. Your supervisor discovers it and is coming down on you with extra-harsh criticism and a reprimand.
Alternative Responses: Groveling, you say, “I’m so sorry! It was stupid of me to be so careless. I’ll never let it happen again! Please give me another chance!” You bristle and glare, saying, “Where do you get off criticizing my work like that? Since when are you perfect? Leave me alone, and don’t bother me in the future. I can handle my job!” You acknowledge the mistake, saying, “I hear you, and I admit my mistake. I’ll be more careful. I don’t think there will be problems in the future, but if there are, I hope we can discuss them calmly and privately. I learn better from constructive criticism.” Late Again One of your subordinates has been coming in late consistently for the last three or four days.
Alternative Responses: You grumble to yourself or to others about the situation but say nothing to the person, hoping he will start coming in on time. You tell the worker off loudly in front of the rest of the crew. You declare that he has no right to take advantage of you and that he’d better get to work on time or you’ll see that he is fired. You speak to the worker alone, noting that you’ve observed him coming in late recently. You ask, “Is there an explanation I should know about? If so, you should tell me. What needs to change so you can start getting to work on time?”
School and Community Situations Hearing Aid In a lecture to three hundred students, the professor speaks very softly. You’re having trouble hearing her, and you can tell that many others are as well.
Alternative Responses: You continue to strain to hear, eventually moving closer to the front of the room, but say nothing about her too-soft voice. You yell out, “Speak up!” You speak to the professor after class, point out the problem, and ask if she would please speak louder. Clarification At a Lions Club meeting, the president is discussing the procedures for the annual high school speech contest. Several of his statements puzzle you, and you believe he has incorrectly described the rules.
Alternative Responses: You say nothing but continue to mull over the question, looking up your notes from last year’s contest later in the day. You interrupt the meeting, tell the president he’s wrong, point out the mistake, and correct him. Your tone is derisive, and your choice of words obviously makes him ill at ease. You tactfully ask the president to further explain the procedures in question, expressing your confusion and noting the source of your conflicting information. Morals You are one of eleven people in a discussion group on human sexuality. The concepts three or four of the more outspoken students support are contrary to your personal moral code.
Alternative Responses: You listen quietly, not disagreeing openly with the other members or describing your own views. You loudly denounce the views that have been expressed. Your defense of your own beliefs is strong, and you urge others to accept your point of view as the only correct one. You speak up in support of your own beliefs, taking an apparently unpopular position, while acknowledging the beliefs of others in the group. Know-It-All As a member of the community beautification committee, Ms. Brown’s continued dominance of the group discussion dismays you. She’s an opinionated member who has “the answer” to every question and has begun another tirade, already lasting several minutes. As usual, no one has said anything about it.
Alternative Responses: Your irritation increases, but you remain silent. You explode verbally, curse Ms. Brown for “not giving anyone else a chance,” and declare her ideas “out-of-date and worthless.” You interrupt, saying, “Excuse me, Ms. Brown; you’re making some really good points, but we’re running out of time. Let’s see if we can reach a consensus.” After the meeting, you make a point of speaking to Ms. Brown privately, saying, “I get concerned when you monopolize the group’s time. I want you to know that at the next meeting, I’m going to suggest a discussion procedure that will permit all members an opportunity to take part.”
Social Situations Breaking the Ice At a party where you don’t know anyone except the host, you want to circulate and get to know others. You walk up to three people who are talking.
Alternative Responses: You stand close to them and smile but say nothing, waiting for them to notice you. You listen to the subject they are talking about, then break in and disagree with someone’s viewpoint. You wait for a pause in the conversation, then introduce yourself and ask if you may join in. Making a Date You’d like to ask out a person you’ve met and talked with three or four times recently.
Alternative Responses: You sit around the telephone going over in your mind what you’ll say and how your friend might respond. Several times you start to dial, then hang up. You phone, and as soon as your friend answers, you respond by saying, “Yo, baby. We’re going out together this weekend!” Taken aback, your friend asks, “Who’s calling?” You call, and when your friend answers, you identify yourself and say, “I saw you on campus this afternoon, but you were headed into class so there wasn’t a chance to talk, so I thought I’d give you a call. How’s school going?” The reply is, “Fine, except I’m worried about an econ test on Friday.” Following the lead, you talk for a few minutes about the test. Then you say, “Since the big test will be over, would you like to grab a beer or soda Friday afternoon after class?”
Summary We’ve covered a wide range of assertiveness situations in this appendix. We trust you’ll find them valuable: To demonstrate that assertive behavior can be utilized in many areas of our lives To show that the nonassertive-aggressive-assertive format is more or less universal regardless of the specific situation involved To prime your thinking about other situations in your life that need your assertive attention To offer a starting point for ideas about how to handle instances in which assertive behavior is indicated You probably had no trouble seeing yourself in many of the examples. Chances are you recognized something of yourself in each of the responses, and you probably came up with some better answers than the ones we’ve offered here. Remember that no one is assertive all the time. As you progress, you’ll be nonassertive or aggressive less often, and you’ll develop a more consistent and natural assertive style. We wish you well.
Online Resources Online Psychology and Self-Help Resources There are thousands of self-help resources online, and it can be tough to sort the wheat from the chaff. The short list offered here includes sites we consider of value because they meet the following criteria: (1) they are addressed to a general audience; (2) they are produced by qualified professionals; (3) they offer helpful information directly; (4) they offer links to other potentially useful sites; (5) they are not primarily designed to sell products. Websites change very quickly, of course, and this list may no longer be up-to-date by the time you are reading it. When you’re seeking information or help on the web, we urge you to use caution and to apply these same criteria. Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT): http://www.abct.org. Authoritative information for general readers on more than seventy common mental health issues, including assertiveness (click “Get Information” then “Fact Sheets”). ABCT is a professional society committed to evidence-based approaches to human problems. MentalHelp: https://www.mentalhelp.net. An easy-to-use presentation of mental health topics on the internet by a wide range of contributors, mostly professionals. Organized into sections, including “Mental Disorders,” “Wellness and Personal Development,” “Life Issues,” “Treatments and Interventions,” and more. PsychCentral: http://www.psychcentral.com. Psychologist John Grohol is a pioneer in online psychology and has put together a comprehensive collection of online resources — both direct information and links.
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com. Probably the most diverse site on the web for self-help and popular psychology. Hundreds of topics — including assertiveness — discussed by scores of professional and lay contributors. Not every piece is useful, but careful reading will yield a tremendous amount of information from a variety of viewpoints.
Online Resources Mentioned in the Text American Academy of Pediatrics: http://safetynet.aap.org Mental Health America: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net National Education http://www.nea.org/home/neabullyfree.html
Association:
National Institute of Mental http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications
Health:
Toastmasters International: http://www.toastmasters.org Universal Declaration of Human http://www.un.org/en/universal-declaration-human-rights
Rights:
US Federal Trade Commission: https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/features/feature-0002-parents
References and Further Reading Alberti, R. E., and M. L. Emmons. 1983. “Failure: Winning at the Losing Game in Assertiveness Training.” In Failures in Behavior Therapy, edited by E. B. Foa and P. M. G. Emmelkamp. New York: Wiley. Alberti, R. E., and M. L. Emmons. 2008. Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living. 9th ed. Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers. (Earlier editions appeared in 1970, 1974, 1978, 1982, 1986, 1990, 1995, and 2001.) Alberti, R. E., and M. L. Emmons. 2013. Your Perfect Right. Audio CD ed. Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers. Beck, A. 2000. Prisoners of Hate: The Cognitive Basis of Anger, Hostility, and Violence. New York: Harper Paperbacks. Beckfield, D. F. 2004. Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life: Twelve Treatment Sessions to Conquer Panic, Anxiety, and Agoraphobia. 3rd ed. Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers. Benson, H., and M. Z. Klipper. 2000. The Relaxation Response. Expanded updated ed. New York: Harper. Berkowitz, B. 1998. Local Heroes: The Rebirth of Heroism in America. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books. Bishop, S. 2013. Develop Your Assertiveness. 3rd ed. Philadelphia: Kogan Page. Bolles, R. N. 2016. What Color Is Your Parachute? Berkeley, CA: Ten Speed Press. Bourne, E. 2015. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. 6th ed. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Bower, S. A., and G. H. Bower. 2004. Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. Revised ed. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press. Breitman, P., and C. Hatch. 2001. How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You. New York: Bantam Dell Publishing Group. Bright, D. 1988. Criticism in Your Life: How to Give It — How to Take It — How to Make It Work for You. New York: Master Media. Burley-Allen, M. 1995. Listening: The Forgotten Skill. 2nd ed. New York: Wiley. Burley-Allen, M. 1995. Managing Assertively. 2nd ed. New York: Wiley. Burns, D. 1999. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. 2nd ed. New York: William Morrow. Carducci, B. J. 2005. The Shyness Workbook: 30 Days to Dealing Effectively with Shyness. Champaign, IL: Research Press. Cautela, J., and J. Groden. 1994. Relaxation: A Comprehensive Manual for Adults, Children, and Children with Special Needs. Champaign, IL: Research Press. Cheek, D. K. 1976. Assertive Black…Puzzled White. Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers. Cooley, M. L., and J. G. Hollandsworth. 1977. “A Strategy for Teaching Verbal Content of Assertive Responses.” In Assertiveness: Innovations, Applications, Issues, edited by R. E. Alberti. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact Publishers. Corsini, R. J. 1985. “An Unusual Case of Family Counseling.” Individual Psychology, 41(2), 204–206. Cousins, N. 2005. Anatomy of an Illness. New York: Norton.
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His “formal” publications career began in 1970 with the first edition of Your Perfect Right, coauthored with Michael Emmons. Now in its tenth revised edition, Your Perfect Right has over 1.3 million copies in print in the United States, and has been published in translation in more than twenty languages around the world. Alberti also collaborated with the late divorce therapist Bruce Fisher on Rebuilding, a best-selling guide to surviving divorce, which has over 1 million copies in print and editions in ten languages. Michael Emmons, PhD, (1938-2016), was a celebrated psychologist; consultant to educational, government, and business organizations; trainer of marriage and family counseling interns at California Polytechnic State University; and author or coauthor of seven books. Emmons and assertiveness training became synonymous when he coauthored Your Perfect Right with Robert Alberti. Since 1970, he devoted much of his life’s work to furthering and understanding assertiveness. Although his focus on assertive living took center stage, he was an innovator in terms of dealing with the whole person—mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Index about this book, 1–5 acceptance: of anger, 202–203, 210; as heart of intimacy, 176 acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), 203 Accepting Each Other (Emmons and Alberti), 176 adverse reactions, 263–264 aggressive behavior: assertive behavior vs., 17, 54–55; characteristics of, 48–50, 54; consequences of, 49, 50; examples of, 61–67; human nature and, 53–54; indirect, 49–50, 216; measuring, 24; nonverbal communication and, 82, 217; as reaction to assertiveness, 263; recognizing your own, 67– 68; sexual communication and, 180–181 agoraphobia, 129 Alberti, Leon Batista, 220 Alberti, Robert E., 32, 74, 85 alcohol use/abuse, 199, 206 Alda, Alan, 10, 91 Among Friends (Pogrebin), 164 amygdala, 111 Anatomy of an Illness (Cousins), 273 anger, 188–212; acceptance of, 202–203, 210; assertiveness and, 208– 209; complexity of, 188–189, 201; conflict resolution for, 204, 210–211; coping strategies related to, 206–207, 212; dealing with another person’s, 210; expressing, 93, 192–193, 203–204, 208–209; facts about, 189, 194, 195; as health risk, 194, 196; mindfulness of, 202; myths about, 189–194, 195; reasons for, 198–200; recommendations for minimizing, 205–206; statements for communicating, 209; theories about, 195; thermometer for measuring, 197 Anger Kills (Williams and Williams), 196, 201, 205 Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion (Tavris), 192
anxiety, 123–138; assertiveness and, 134, 138; diet, exercise, and sleep for, 130–131; difficult situations causing, 238; EMDR therapy for, 135; exposure desensitization for, 129–130; failure related to, 259; irrational beliefs and, 134; listing/labeling situations of, 126–127; medications for treating, 136–137; meditation, breathing, and relaxation for, 132–133; methods for overcoming, 127, 129–137; sample journal entry about, 128; social phobia and, 124; SUD scale for assessing, 125–126; systematic desensitization for, 127, 129; treatment for panic attacks and, 133; workplace performance, 222 Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, The (Bourne), 137 apologies, 162, 264 appreciation, 56 Art of Loving, The (Fromm), 157 Asian cultures, 52 Assertive Woman, The (Phelps and Austin), 36, 216 assertiveness: aggressiveness vs., 17, 54–55; anger and, 208–209; anxiety and, 134, 138; barriers to, 17–18, 42–44; benefits of, 18; brain patterns and, 12–13; categories for, 93–94; characteristics of, 49, 50, 59–60; components of, 82–99; consequences of, 49, 50, 55–56; cultural differences in, 52, 94–95; definitions of, 17, 46–47, 256; equality and, 14, 33, 39; examples of, 61–67; failure of, 254–260; family relationships and, 168– 174; future trends in, 6–7; gender and, 35–39; goal setting for, 73–80; health related to, 271–273; intimate relationships and, 175–185; journal writing about, 26–30; learning the skill of, 139–144; listening based on, 88– 90; measuring, 21–25; need for, 13–15; nonverbal behavior and, 81–87; practice situations for, 281–294; questions about practicing, 247–253; reactions of others to, 261–264; recent research about, 5–6; sexuality and, 36, 178, 180–181, 182–184; situations calling for, 16; step-by-step process of, 145–151; thoughts about, 90, 115–116; in the twenty-first century, 57– 59; warmth or caring as, 154, 157–160; workplace, 42, 221–222, 226–227, 230–232 Assertiveness Inventory, 22–23; analyzing your results from, 24–25; explanation and guidelines, 21 Association for Advancement of Behavior Therapy (AABT), 4
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT), 295 athletes, 48 attitudes: about assertiveness, 90, 113; anger related to, 199; changing behavior and, 139–142; journal entries about, 28; toward yourself, 113–115 Austin, Nancy, 36, 216 autogenic training, 132 automatic thoughts, 121 autonomy, 72 backbiting, 263 balance, 57 barriers to assertiveness, 17–18, 42–44 Bataille, Gretchen, 220 battle of the sexes, 165–166 Beck, Aaron, 90, 116 Beckfield, Denise, 133 behavior: changing attitudes and, 139–142; classification of, 54–55; cognitive dimensions of, 90; examples of styles of, 61–67; journal entries about, 28 Behavior Therapy journal, 4, 154 Behavioral Model for Personal Growth, 73, 74–75 behavioral skills, 13 beliefs, irrational, 134 Ben & Jerry’s: The Inside Scoop (Lager), 11 Ben & Jerry’s ice cream story, 10–11 benefits of assertiveness, 18 Benson, Hebert, 132–133 Berkowitz, Bill, 45 biofeedback training, 125, 132 body language. See nonverbal behavior Boenisch, Ed, 137
Bolles, Richard N., 223 bottom-drawer goals, 79 boundaries, personal, 51–52 Bourne, Edmund, 137 brain: anger and, 198; assertiveness and, 12–13; emotions and, 111–112; social, 155–157 breathing, 132, 202 Buffett, Warren, 123 bullies, online, 108 buried anger, 190 Burns, David, 90 canned approaches, 257–258 Carducci, Bernardo, 56 caring, expressions of, 154, 157–160 catastrophizing, 120 Challenger disaster, 268 change: extremes of, 271; journal writing for, 29–30; reactions to, 261– 264; step-by-step process of, 145–151 Cheek, Donald, 94 children: assertiveness of, 42, 169–171; online protection of, 108–109 choice, assertive, 29, 30, 143, 246; personal boundaries and, 51, 52; questions for considering, 247–253; sexual communication and, 178 Churchill, Winston, 235 citizenship, world, 276–278 civil disobedience, 56, 277 civility, 57 clarification requests, 241 classifying behavior, 54–55 cognitive behavioral therapy, 90 Cohen, Ben, 10–11
Cole, Charles, 196 common sense, 273–276 communication: children and, 108–109; content of, 92–95; fluency of, 87–88, 103; fostering open and honest, 39; listening skills for, 88–90; nonverbal behavior in, 81–87; online, 100–101, 103–109; phone, 103; sexual, 178–179, 180–181; timing of, 88; vocal quality in, 86–87; written, 103–107 community practice situations, 291–293 compassionate assertiveness, 274–275 compliments, 160–162 components of assertive behavior, 82–99; chart illustrating, 97; selfrating scale on, 98–99 conditioned reflex therapy, 4 conflict resolution, 204, 210–211 consequences: of assertive behavior, 49, 50, 55–56; of nonassertive or aggressive behavior, 49, 50 consumers: assertive behavior of, 36; practice situations for, 286–288 content of messages, 92–95 context of behavior, 55 contraindications, 257 Cooley, Myles, 93 Corsini, Raymond, 169 courtesy, 56 Cousins, Norman, 273 criticism: dealing with, 214–215, 219; on-the-job, 229, 231. See also put-downs cultural diversity: assertive behavior and, 37, 52, 94–95; assumptions about, 40–41; contemporary growth of, 39–40; individuality and, 41; nonverbal behavior and, 83, 84–85, 95; self-assertion and, 52–53 cyberbullying, 108 Damasio, Antonio, 112
de-escalation, 242 desensitization: exposure, 129–130; systematic, 127, 129 Developing Mind, The (Siegel), 112 dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), 203 diet, importance of, 130–131 difficult people, 235–243; characteristics of, 235–236; common thoughts related to, 236–237; guidelines for handling, 242–243; steps for dealing with, 237–242 direct action, 238–239 direct verbal put-downs, 215–216 diversity: accounting for types of, 53. See also cultural diversity double entendres, 50 drug use/abuse, 199, 206 Du Bois, W. E. B., 145 Eating Well for Optimum Health (Weil), 131 Eats, Shoots & Leaves (Truss), 106 Ekman, Paul, 83, 86, 95 Elgin, Suzette Haden, 94, 239 Ellis, Albert, 90, 120, 134, 243 e-mail messages, 107 Emery, Gary, 120 Emmons, Michael, 3, 135, 170 emojis, 106 emoticons, 105–106 emotions: brain centers related to, 111–112; emoticons for expressing, 105–106; facial expressions revealing, 86; getting in touch with, 71; thoughts related to, 120. See also feelings Emotions Revealed (Ekman), 86 empathic assertion, 274 employment: interviewing for, 224–226; practice situations related to, 288–291; searching for, 223–224. See also workplace
equality: assertiveness and, 14, 33, 39, 46, 59; gender differences and, 165–166; human rights and, 33, 34, 122; intimate relationships and, 165; societal myths about, 35 exercise, importance of, 131 existential living, 75 experience, openness to, 74 exposure desensitization, 129–130 eye contact, 83–84 eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), 135 Facial Action Coding System, 86 facial expressions, 85–86, 95 Fahlman, Scott, 105 Fahrner, Homer, 45, 46, 91 failure, 254–260 families, 168–174; assertiveness in, 42, 169–174; balance in system of, 168–169, 174; child-rearing process in, 169–171; mother-daughter relationship in, 171–172; practice situations in, 282–283; seniors/grandparents in, 172–173 fears: listing and labeling, 126–127; SUD scale for assessing, 125–126. See also anxiety feasibility of goals, 77 Feeding America, 45 Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better (Ellis), 120 feelings: acknowledging in others, 243; expressions of warm, 154, 157– 160; getting in touch with, 71; venting angry, 191–192. See also emotions flexibility of goals, 77–78 Flowers, John, 257 fluency, 87–88, 103 Fodor, Iris, 171 Franklin, Benjamin, 139 Franks, Cyril, 4
Friedman, Meyer, 194 Friedman, Thomas L., 57–58, 246 friends: enlisting the help of, 264–267; relationships with, 162–165 Fromm, Erich, 157 Frost, Robert, 246 Fuller, R. Buckminster, 154 Gandhi, Mahatma, 278 Gates, Melinda, 123 gender differences, 35–39, 165–166. See also men; women genetics: anger related to, 198; shyness related to, 18, 124 Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, The (Elgin), 94 gestures, 85 goals, 73–80; feasibility of, 77; flexibility of, 77–78; ideals related to, 76; personal factors and, 73, 76; priorities determined for, 79–80; setting realistic, 146; time required to accomplish, 78–79 Goleman, Daniel, 111, 112, 160 Goodman, Ellen, 255 Gordon, Thomas, 93, 168 grandparents, 172–173 Gray, John, 165 Greenfield, Jerry, 10–11 Greenfield, Sheldon, 273 Grohol, John, 295 ground rules: for meetings, 242 Haney, C. Michele, 137 Hart, Moss, 254 Harvard Business School, 102 Hayes, Steven, 203 health: anger and, 194, 196, 199; anxiety and, 130–131; assertiveness and, 271–273; holistic, 271–272
hierarchy of needs, 72 Hispanic/Latino cultures, 52 holistic health, 271–272 Hollandsworth, James, 93 Holmes, Oliver Wendell, Jr., 52, 278 honesty, 57, 177 hostility, 196, 272 “How a Friend Can Help” handout, 266–267 How to Fail as a Therapist (Schwartz and Flowers), 257 human community, 276–278 human potential movement, 73 human rights, 33, 34, 122 humor, 241 Hunt, Morton, 77 ideals, 76 I-messages, 93, 243 Impact Publishers, 4 independence, 171–172 indirect aggression, 49–50, 216 indirect verbal put-downs, 216–217 individual differences, 50, 95, 275 inflection, vocal, 87 instant messaging, 107 integrity, 72 interdependence, 72, 176 interviews, job, 224–226 intimate relationships, 175–185; assertive sexuality in, 36, 180–181, 182–184; expressing feelings in, 177, 182; importance of equality in, 185; intimacy vs. sex in, 175–177; practice situations in, 284–286; sexual communication in, 178–179, 180–181; social issues related to, 179–181
Ireland, Kathy, 161 irrational beliefs, 134 Jacobson, Edmund, 132 Jenkins, Jennifer, 112 jobs: interviewing for, 224–226; practice situations related to, 288–291; searching for, 223–224. See also workplace journal of personal growth, 26–30; anxiety exercise, 128; assertiveness tracking, 145–146; goal setting, 73, 76; guidelines for using, 26, 28–30; sample page, 27 Juárez, Benito, 32 Kabat-Zinn, Jon, 132, 133, 202 Kaplan, Sherrie, 273 Kassinove, Howard, 196 Kehoe, Dalton, 91 Keltner, Dacher, 112 kindness, 274–275 King, Martin Luther, Jr., 278 Lager, Fred “Chico,” 11 LaLanne, Jack, 175 Lange, Arthur, 243 Latino/Hispanic cultures, 52 Lazarus, Arnold, 3, 125, 127, 134, 177 level playing field, 241–242 life experiences, 155 lifemanship, 239–240 Lincoln, Abraham, 52 Linehan, Marsha, 203 listening, 88–90; in intimate relationships, 182–183; in the workplace, 226, 230 Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth, 213
Looking for Spinoza (Damasio), 112 Lopez, Steven, 40 love, types of, 157 Mandela, Nelson, 278 manipulation, 274 Marital Myths Revisited (Lazarus), 177 masculinity, 38 Maslow, Abraham, 72 massive multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPGs), 137 Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life (Beckfield), 133 McDonald, Allan, 268 Meares, Ainslie, 132 measuring assertiveness, 21–25 medications, antianxiety, 136–137 meditation: anger and, 202, 203; anxiety and, 132–133 Meichenbaum, Donald, 90, 116 men: assertiveness of, 37–39; gender gap and, 165–166; sexual attitudes of, 184 MentalHelp website, 295 messages, 100–109; content of, 92–95; methods for delivering, 101– 102; online, 100–101, 103–109; phone, 103; written, 103–107. See also communication Middle Eastern cultures, 52 middle-drawer goals, 79 mindfulness practice: anger and, 202, 203; anxiety and, 132–133 mirror neurons, 18, 94 models of assertiveness, 76, 146–147 mother-daughter relationship, 171–172 multiculturalism. See cultural diversity mutual respect, 170, 174
myths: about anger, 189–194; about equality, 35; about intimate relationships, 177 Nass, Clifford, 106 nature and nurture, 155–156 needs: clarifying wants and, 70–72; journal entries about, 28 Neruda, Pablo, 261 neuroplasticity, 111 Nhat Hanh, Thich, 201, 202 niceness, 56–57 Niebuhr, Reinhold, 268 Nin, Anaïs, 110 no-fault solutions, 240 nonassertive behavior: characteristics of, 48, 49; consequences of, 49, 50; examples of, 61–67; measuring, 24; nonverbal communication and, 82, 217; recognizing your own, 67–68; sexual communication and, 180–181 nonverbal behavior, 81–87; body posture, 84; cultural diversity and, 83, 84–85, 94–95; eye contact, 83–84; facial expressions, 85–86; gestures, 85; physical distance, 94–95; put-downs and, 217–218; role-play example of, 82; vocal qualities, 86–87 Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg), 72 Oatley, Keith, 112 Obama, Barack, 184 obstacles to assertiveness, 28–29, 254–260 O’Keeffe, Georgia, 26 On Becoming a Person (Rogers), 74 one-upmanship, 239–240 online messages, 100–101, 103–109; children and, 108–109; tools for writing, 105–107 online resources, 295–296 orbitofrontal cortex (OFC), 111 Our Town (Wilder), 276
overapologizing, 264 panic attacks, 133 paraphrasing, 89 Parent Effectiveness Training (Gordon), 93 Paterson, Randy J., 20 performance anxiety, 222 persistence, 46, 91–92, 275 person-and-situation specific, 50, 58, 258 personal boundaries, 51–52 personal factors: in goal setting, 73, 76 personal growth: behavioral model for, 73, 74–75; journal writing for, 26–30 personal style, 275 personality, 13, 155 Phelps, Stanlee, 36, 216 phobias. See anxiety; fears phone messages, 103 physical nurturance, 72 play, 72, 137, 182 Pogrebin, Letty Cottin, 164 political institutions, 43 positive self-statements, 118–120, 140, 147 posture, 84, 102 Potter, Stephen, 239 practice situations, 281–294; consumer situations, 286–288; employment situations, 288–291; family situations, 282–283; intimate situations, 284–286; school and community situations, 291–293; social situations, 293–294 priorities: determining for goals, 79–80; work vs. personal, 232–233 progressive muscle relaxation, 132
Project Write (Tanabe-Endsley), 127 PsychCentral website, 295–296 psychology resources, 295–296 Psychology Today website, 296 psychoneuroimmunology, 272 psychosomatic reactions, 264 public assertiveness, 277–278 public speaking, 123–124, 222 punctuation, 106–107 put-downs, 48, 213–219; dealing with, 214–215, 219; direct verbal, 215–216; indirect verbal, 216–217; nonverbal, 217–218; self, 218 random kindness, 275 reaching out, 57 real-world tests, 149 relationships: bridging the gender gap in, 165–166; expressing warmth in, 154, 157–160; family, 168–174; friendship, 162–165; intimate and sexual, 175–185; on-the-job, 227–228 relaxation training, 132–133 religious ideals, 43 research on assertiveness, 5–6 resources, online, 295–296 respect, 170, 174 revenge reactions, 264 risky situations, 58–59 Rogers, Carl, 73, 74 Roker, Al, 162 role-playing, 82, 148 romantic relationships, 51. See also intimate relationships Rosenberg, Marshall, 72 Rosenman, Ray, 194
Rosenthal, Howard, 32 ruts, avoiding, 274 Salter, Andrew, 4, 70, 239 schools: assertiveness discouraged in, 42; practice situations in, 291, 292 Schultz, Johannes, 132 Schwalbe, Will, 105 Schwartz, Bernard, 257 self-awareness, 120 self-concept, 51 self-correction, 147 self-disclosure, 177 self-expression: brain and, 111–112; tools for, 105–107; as universal need, 81 self-help resources, 295–296 self-statements, 118–120, 140, 147 self-talk, 134 Send (Shipley and Schwalbe), 105 Senior Gleaners, 45, 91 seniors, assertive, 172–173 sensitivity training, 13 sensory preference, 94 Serber, Michael, 4, 82, 87, 154 serenity prayer, 203 Seville Statement, 53–54 sex education, 179 sexuality: assertive, 36, 180–181, 182–184; communication styles, 178– 179, 180–181; intimacy vs., 175–177; personal boundaries and, 51; practice situations for, 285; social issues related to, 179–181; unwanted sexual advances and, 183–184; women and, 36, 183–184. See also intimate relationships
shaping your behavior, 148–149 Shapiro, Francine, 135 Shipley, David, 105 shorthand, message, 107 shyness, 18, 56, 124 Siegel, Daniel J., 112 situations: assertiveness as specific to, 50, 58, 258; calling for assertiveness, 16; examples of responding in, 61–67; exercising caution in risky, 58–59; writing journal entries about, 28. See also practice situations skill deficits, 258 Skinner, B. F., 61 sleep, importance of, 131 social anxiety/phobia, 124 social brain, 155–157 social inhibition, 18 social institutions, 44 social intelligence, 13, 156 Social Intelligence (Goleman), 112 social learning, 156–157 social practice situations, 293–294 social reinforcement, 149–150 sociocultural context, 55 speech: fluency of, 87–88, 103; vocal qualities and, 86–87 spiritual communion, 72 spontaneous assertion, 88 stand-up-for-yourself behavior, 154 steam-kettle myth about anger, 191 step-by-step assertiveness process, 145–151 stereotypes, 37–38, 40–41 stress inoculation, 116–117, 237–238
Stress Owner’s Manual, The (Haney and Boenisch), 137 substance use/abuse, 199, 206 SUD scale, 125–126 syntonics, 94, 239 systematic desensitization, 127, 129 Tafrate, Chip, 196 Tanabe-Endsley, Patsy, 127 Tannen, Deborah, 165 target audience, 94–95 Tavris, Carol, 192 temper tantrums, 264 temperament, 13, 155, 156 text messaging, 107 Therapy’s Best (Rosenthal), 32 Thoreau, Henry David, 81 thoughtfulness, 56–57 thoughts: about assertiveness, 90, 115–116; emotions related to, 120; methods for handling, 116–120; procedures for working with, 120–121; related to difficult people, 236–237; technique for stopping, 118 Time magazine, 123 Time of Your Life, The (Wheeler), 172 timing of assertiveness, 88, 229 Toastmasters International, 88 tone of voice, 87 top-drawer goals, 79 Truman, Harry S., 228 Truss, Lynne, 100, 106–107 trust in yourself, 75 Tutu, Desmond, 278 Twain, Mark, 123, 188, 202
type A behavior, 194, 196 Understanding Emotions (Oatley, Keltner, and Jenkins), 112 unfinished business, 269–270 Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 33, 34 unwanted sexual advances, 183–184 venting angry feelings, 191–192 verbal self-defense, 94, 239 verbal skills, 92 violence: human nature and, 53–54. See also aggressive behavior Viorst, Judith, 175 vocal qualities, 86–87, 103 volume of voice, 87 Wainwright, Gail, 118 Walesa, Lech, 278 warmth, expressions of, 154, 157–160 web resources, 295–296 Weil, Andrew, 131 What Color Is Your Parachute? (Bolles), 223 Wheeler, Eugenie, 172 whistle-blowers, 43 Wilder, Thornton, 276 Williams, Redford, 196, 272 withdrawal strategy, 240 Wolfe, Janet, 171 Wolpe, Joseph, 3, 45, 118, 125, 127, 134 women: assertiveness of, 35–37, 183–184; gender gap and, 165–166; sexuality of, 36, 183–184 workplace, 220–234; anger related to, 199; assertiveness in, 42, 221– 222, 226–227, 230–232; dealing with supervisors in, 228–230; job search/interviews and, 223–226; on-the-job relationships in, 227–228;
personal priorities and, 232–233; situations for practice in, 228, 229–230, 231–232, 233–234, 288–291; supervising assertively in, 230–232 world citizenship, 276–278 written messages, 103–107 you-messages, 93
